Inadequacy.....inadequate....my word for the day.

Inadequate words to say good-bye to my friend, only able to do so with a quick hug and tears. My friend...Mitashi. This a girl so full of life, who always made me smile, who used to crash in my place every time we had a thesis or an assessed essay due....the girl who taught me to talk in gibberish ;) Yes...our Mitts. Lovely, late, brutally honest Mitts ;) I don't know why, but I felt so protective and motherly towards her...maybe because I saw some bit of idealism I thought I had lost...(but Mitts, wasn't too overbearing, was I? -- if I was, it just means I cared that much more about you) :) She remembered something I had told her, how I felt like Radha sometimes and gave me that in her g'bye gift....Well, girl...don't worry I will see you soon in Pune, and meet your Krishna...and maybe have met my own by then...who knows? As you reminded me so many times, be stubborn and don't give up...and stop wallowing in past brokenness. YES! Mitts, we never said it to each other, but i mean it: Thanks...you taught me there was a lot more to life. Safe journey home, and only the best in matters of the heart :)

Inadequacy....Radha kaise na jale....even though i said "YES!" up there...can I wallow one more time? Not wallow...but explore is a better word....why after all this time, after I've proven to myself that I am not physically inadequate, do I still feel so much so? I push myself beyond my limits so many times, even to the point of extreme pain and fatigue, but why? Why do i still feel like I have so much to prove in that department? Why does having just one foot make me feel so inadequate? I think these things come back to haunt me now, when I'm leaving Oxford, saying good-bye to friends....leaving security...starting over again. Inadequacy...it's an ugly word...

I hate when people pity me...I think that also contributes to my little 'inadequacy' problem, that if you know me, happens every now and again...normally I'm not like this at all, I'm full of jokes. Pity makes you feel even more inadequate. As if there really is something wrong...I mean it reminds me of the guy in my high school who asked me if I'd be able to 'have sex and get pregnant' with just one foot...my gosh!? where do feet come into that process!? ;)

I mean c'mon...you people out there with two legs...what are you thinking? Most other animals have 4, 6, 8, legs! Even 10!! but yeah, you all have that common demonator (wow, you know it's bad when I try to incorporate maths into this!!) of two. Well...see it from my side...plants have 1 stalk...yeah...and they stand alone, like me. (The biologist in me coming out....man, I knew I should've gone into botany instead of zoology!!)

Oh, Rach...stop this stupid rant, it's really all directed at yourself, you're mad at yourself and no one else. I hate when I let myself slide into that inadequate feeling.

I might not realize it all the time
But really deep down I am all fine
I mean who can come and save the day?
Unfettered by nerves stamp out the fire that got away?
Who can rescue their little cousin from that pesky bee?
Even if it tried, it couldn't really sting me
Who loved kickball, so obvious to tell...
Me, who with my 'mighty leg' could kick so well
Who can fall out of a canoe
Get caught in rapids and a waterfall
Come out with her leg all askew
Twist it back into place, and say, 'whew, was that all?'
Who can actually say, if I break this one, s'okay
I got an extra one in my closet for such a day

Who can know the full beauty of her sister's dancing feet
As she watches mesmerized in her seat
Who knows empathy beyond her years?
Who knows the pain behind the tears?
Who feels free when she rides the horse's back?
When she realizes it's nothing that she really lacks...
It's only what others see missing outside
When it's they who miss the me inside
I can walk, run, swim, climb, canoe....
Ride horses, train dogs....even sing too

When i was young I even thought...
'Those poor kids, they don't know what they got...
They must be special cases you see...
Because they have two feet, unlike me...
So that makes them different and i should be kind
One leg is normal, i thought in my mind'
I wish I could go back to that innocent age
Before anger, hurt, and rejection wrote on my life's page
But I can give hope to young ones like me
Say look around at all you see
Nothing is ever impossible to do
The limits are what lie deep inside of you

If you believe and have faith you will overcome
And that 'little leg' will have turned into a normal one
For my special blessing to have in life
Is the power to help others overcome their own strife
That blessing might come with a personal cost
But what i've gained is more than the foot i lost
I can appreciate the differences in eachother
I can show love to a broken other

You see my life without a foot is not the end
For me my prosthesis is my friend
Without, yeah, i'm a fish out of water
I hop, and I crawl, I tumble and totter
I think i should stop before my leg rails,
It's been so good, I owe it painted nails
It has been my ticket to freedom every day
And a point of connection to those i meet along the way
When i wear pants I look just like you
It gives me my denominator of two

YES! I am not inadequate, and I do seriously owe my fake leg a washing up and i think painted nails for graduation. Even though, it's in full sub-fusc and will be wearing tights and a closed to shoe. Just remember, oh, dependable leg of mine: It's not what's on the outside really, but what's on the inside that counts. :) Extra plug for my leg: this one allows me to wear heels, so this past year has been my first in heels....but man, women with two legs are insane....why did i think heels were so speical? Not just because i'm shorter than everyone else... :) And yeah, I am the cool cousin who saved the day...

But the best part of all has been being able to write to kids who have undergone amputations and tell them it's all going to be okay, tell them they can play basketball, dance at their senior prom....and telling thier parents, don't worry...inspite of the pain the rewards are far greater, because without having lost something, you can never fully appreciate it. Your kids will be ones who will make the kind of friends who 'stick closer than a brother,' who will be the kind ambassadors tolerant of others differences, and running to embrace each person's uniqueness. They'll see life from a deeper perspective, and they will be strong. Maybe not phsyscially strong, but character-wise, emotionally and spiritually...they'll be filled with compassion for the weaknesses of others.

But even us strong kids have our moments of weakness...but mine has passed already, erased by the memory from last summer, of seeing a little 5 year old girl, so much like myself, with a birth defect and amputation, running around on her prosthesis, chasing bubbles in the air to her heart's content....seeing the awkawardness with which she moved, but only momentarily, because I was captured by the smile and squeals of delight, but mostly by the sparkle of joy in her eyes. And you know what? She caught every bubble!