She's back! Today she's been singing a lot and thinking in pictures. Looking back over the last several posts, she's kind of sad -- there's no poetry there, just ramblings. But that's okay...just read the 2005/2006 stuff!! :) She was really singing then.

So in the middle of a study break with spiders on my brain...here goes:

She's not quite up to singing in the microphone like she used to...but hey, she always sounds better singing in the shower anyways...so that's what she does today.

It is Easter and her heart is just about to burst because hope has come. As the water washes over her, she remembers as waves of mercy, of grace, of peace have washed over her and it was all because of this one day -- Easter.

She clears her throat, closes her eyes as pictures of Him come to her and she sings:

I'm captured by this beauty I see
Though tears fall and it's bittersweet
I cannot look to my own ugly form for fear of shame
As I find myself crying out Your Name
I am kneeling, broken, confused
Jesus, I don't know what to do

Here I am at Calvary
Again asking the question, "why me?"
You looked right at me as Your blood poured down
I could still see Your eyes through Your thorny crown
They were lovely, pure and true
Your lips parted and all I heard was, "Because I love you"

I hesitated to touch Your feet where they hung
As my heart in torment wrung
For You were beaten savagely and Your flesh was flailed
Your shoulders dislocated as Your wrists were nailed
That should have been me for all my wretched filth and stain
But You said, "I'll take your sorrows; I'll bear the pain"

What beauty that by Your stripes we're healed
That our deserved death penalty you repealed
Father, how could You send Your only boy?
Why does my heart tremble with such Joy?
Is it because I am here before You now
Where everything's as it should have been how

For by Your sacrifice of immeasurable worth
I live with eternal hope on earth
For You set me free, over the chasm I soared
I walk each step with You, our hearts in accord
No longer separated by my disgrace and shame
But forgiven and restored by the power of Your Name

Lord, my heart could burst with such love
I lift my eyes to the heavens above
No longer the Messiah's Cross before me
But You, Yourself -- Risen Redeemer, Majesty
My heart is home, I breathe in -- alive
It's time to sing hope, to revive, to thrive

Your Love surpassed all expectation
Your Strength beyond any temptation
You bought us back to the place
Where we walk with You forever in grace
Let Your Hope ring out as I praise You, Lord
Thank You for Easter, Your mercy action word

I don't know if any of my friends from England read this anymore, because it's been so long since I last wrote -- but here's a quick update on my life! :) (Sit down, grab a coffee, get comfy -- remember I tend to write books rather than notes!!) :)

So, I am now 27 years old and feeling pretty far away from my time in Oxford. Even though I hear from everyone now and again, I feel very nostalgic for that time. You see, I was really me. I didn't feel pressure to be anything but me. I'm slowly coming back to that state -- I think sometimes in the U.S. there's a lot more social pressure to conform, perform, meet expected standards that it leaves little room for you to just simply be. Needless to say, I really miss you guys!

Hm...to answer all of the usual questions: I am still in grad school, trusting that God has a plan for this crazy degree in entomology. I am 2 1/2 years into my PhD and it's gotten fairly rocky. I didn't do so great on my written qualifying exams, and ended up postponing the big viva to April of this year. My research has hit a few road blocks -- and I am struggling with staying motivated and focused. I do love and enjoy what I do - studying spiders and working to preserve hemlock trees. As long as I am outside and in nature, I am really happy. (I think I'll blog later about that....)

I will soon be living by myself again, but I think it's really okay. I've got an incredible dog, named Hope, who makes me laugh til my sides hurt - she's more melodramatic than I am! :) She loves to play and has been such a sweet gift in this last year. She's a Basenji-mix and about 45lbs. She's very "vocal", shall we say :) I named her Hope for a number of reasons. At that time, my heart was really hurting and I was asking God to help me have hope. The next day, while out collecting spiders in the rain for my project, I found her. She was in a trash can in the middle of the woods, and it was pouring rain. I remember holding her in the car ride back to Lexington and she kept very stiff and would not settle down. Suddenly, about a half hour into the ride, she let out such a mournful sigh and then tucked her head into my neck. I don't know who could do that to a puppy...she was 5 weeks old and very tiny. I struggled through whether I should keep her or not, and really felt like she was a gift to me. I named her Hope because I got to rescue her, but more importantly because she was God's gift of hope to me.

I am still single -- I haven't even dated anyone (I guess maybe that's not too surprising), and I am also trusting that God's got the right guy at the right time. I'm still really involved in my church -- I work in the kids ministry with K-2nd graders and I love it! I am also really involved in the global outreach team at my church and in fact in January was asked onto the lead team, as the prayer coordinator of sorts. I still feel called to live overseas and maybe at this point, am a little impatient for when I get to do that! And yes guys: I am still cooking rajmah, gobi aloo, jeera rice (maybe not as good as before)! :)

I'm still singing, mostly just when I'm alone, but occassionally I do get asked to sing for people :) (Vedanta and Mitashi will appreciate this -- I still get asked to sing Bheegey hont!!!!! hahaha!) I haven't written in while, poems or journalling, and I plan to start again and keep going (so keep reading!).

Let's see...my sister is doing great -- she's a real Doctor now! My brother is in the Navy and is engaged! Oh...maybe part of my nostalgia for Oxford, was that I was at my thinnest and my fittest! Guys -- I've gotten a bit pudgey...but I was asked to be in my brother's wedding, so there's some big motivation to lose weight for the summer! My folks are in North Carolina now.

My leg: I was blessed almost two years ago when I was the recipient of an incredible gift -- a new prosthesis! The one I got after when I broke my leg (wow -- remember that!?) was nearly an inch too short and I was beginning to have a lot of pain in my hip and stump. To make a long story short - someone from my church found out about my need and he was a prosthetic technician. He arranged for me to get a new leg for free! (The medical insurance through UK refused to cover a prosthesis, saying my amputation was a pre-existing condition!!). So, it took several months for me to get the new leg -- but it was worth it! It's the right height -- no more pain and it's so much easier hiking through the woods now!

I'm excited for whatever new things God has in store for me this year! So let's see what happens! :)

More to come!

Here's Hope!!! :)

I remember standing on a beach once, around 6 years ago. It was close to sun rise and I had been sitting in the sand watching the waves crash as the tide went out. I hadn't bothered this time to look for shells or colored glass...I just was....breathing deeply...letting the wind sweep through my hair. I had been burdened by a hurt heart...a crushed dream....fears for the future....

But as that wind blew, gently yet strong....I knew what I could do....

So I picked up a handful of sand and as I turned to the low lying red sun as orange flames crept over the water...I let the sand trickle out and blow into the ocean....get washed away....

If only I had let Him release my self placed inadequate bandaids before...I lifted my hand up towards heaven...and with hope, faith, resolve, said...."Have at it, Lord!"...let your cleansing water, soothing wind, tender voice...clean and heal the oozing wounds in my heart. And you know something...as the sun changed from red to fiery orange, to a bright and happy yellow...I felt so light.

Free...

His plans are not to harm you, but to give you hope and a future....His best for me is just beginning....He reminded me of that memory today and how light, free and hopeful I had felt.

Um...yeah, it's been FOREVER since I last wrote -- Holy Crap!!!

Wow, it would take too long right now (at the cusp of my lunch break) to write everything, so I'll write this:

COMING SOON -- UPDATE!!! : ) and yeah, God's done amazing things in my life this last year and I'm forever changed and blessed by them!

Does anyone even read this anymore?

Some food for thought, until I write on my life:

You chose the cross with every breath
The perfect life, the perfect death,
You chose the cross

A crown of thorns You wore for us
And crowned us with eternal life,
You chose the cross

And though Your soul was overwhelmed with pain
Obedient to death You overcame

I'm lost in wonder, I'm lost in love
I'm lost in praise for evermore
Because of Jesus' unfailing love
I am forgiven, I am restored

You loosed the chords of sinfulness
And broke the chains of my disgrace,
You chose the cross

Up from the grace victorious
You rose again so glorious,
You chose the cross

The sorrow that surrounded You was mine
"Yet not my will but Yours be done" You cried.

I'm lost in wonder, I'm lost in love
I'm lost in praise for evermore
Because of Jesus' unfailing love
I am forgiven, I am restored

And though Your soul was overwhelmed with pain
Obedient to death You overcame
The sorrow that surrounded You was mine
"Yet not my will but Yours be done" You cried.

I haven't blogged in a little while, but last week was busy and I was knackered! First: Monday was my birthday! I turned 25 -- a quarter of a century...I am now officially old. I understand how my friends feel -- 25 is a milestone in itself and when a good chunk of your friends are engaged/married/parents...yikes...you begin to feel like the old spinster from the small town you grew up in. : ) But, I still have some hope! ; )

Anyways, Tuesday was spent reading papers, and trying to get all of my field/lab equipment rounded up. Wednesday we went out to Natural Bridge again and hiked out to some hemlock plots in the National Park and it was a decent hike (lots of stone steps...but not too far a distance). So, that was alright. Thursday was again spent reading lots of papers, running miscellaneous errands on campus to the main agricultural building and breathing a huge sigh of relief because my beat-sheets finally came in! Friday we were back out at Natural Bridge and the first hemlock stand we went to was very damp, humid and with tons and I mean TONS of poision ivy. Thankfully, no one got any! (very surprising, considering it was unavoidable)...I'm just waiting for the day (preferably after I get my student health insurance card!!). The second stand we went to, was at least a 20-30 minute hike up a very, and i mean VERY STEEP incline....oh my gosh. I was huffing and puffing away and was at least 200 meters behind everyone else. Okay, i'll admit, it might have been more like 300 meters....But hey, I finally arrived and got to work. Needless to say, remained yucky and sticky all day long.

DISCLAIMER: Weak or faint of heart skip to the next paragraph. Those who are ready to be grossed out or just weirded out, read on!

I am worried that I have a tick imbedded in my head. See, on Thursday I felt this itchy little bump on my scalp and it was hard. So I thought it was a tick, but when I looked in the mirror, the only thing I see is an angry red bump and it is oozing a little (I know this is gross, but sorry, have to write about it...have no other outlet!). So, after having a large tick in me my first time out in the wood, I was nervous assuming this must be one that imbedded itself under my skin. So I took out tweezers and tried to 'pull' something out. Ended up taking out a bunch of hair and bleeding a bit. So, I just let it go. It sometimes itches, but I wondered if maybe I had scratched myself on a stick, because part of my job on Wednesday out at the woods was to do a small woody plant census and I had to crawl through a thick and tangled rhododendron patch. We'll see: I'll keep you posted. For now, the bump is little and hard and not getting any bigger and there's a scab. So let's wait and see. Maybe it is a cut and I'm just paranoid about ticks.....

Okay...So, what's up with loud and inconsiderate neighbours!? Last weekend, a large hispanic family moved into the apartment next to mine and for Sunday and Monday nights had loud get togethers outside on their patio (which means I heard every word, etc. and it was so distracting because I could understand a big portion of the conversation) until 2 - 2:30am both nights. I was kind of mad, but since I'm new, I didn't want to complain or anything. So I let it go. Well, for the rest of the week, the apartment was empty and no sounds were heard. (Back track: my first week in my apartment, the one next door was empty and then on the weekend I heard a woman's voice and someone doing dishes). So, I haven't noticed anyone going in or out of the apartment and assumed the family broke their lease. Okay, jump to last night: I was at this singles group at the new church I'm going to and we ended up going to IHOP (the International House of Pancakes -- awesome, incredible breakfast foods, one of my favorite places when i was little living in New England). So I didn't get home until 1am. I did a few dishes and went to bed. At 1:30 AM I hear someone trying to open the latch on the gate to my patio and I freaked out a little. So I put my leg on, ran downstairs with one of my crutches in hand to make sure that my patio door was locked tight. Then I noticed that a large group of kids (i guess kids is relative, definitely younger than me) entering the apartment next door through the patio door and all the lights suddenly coming on downstairs and outside to the patio. The next thing I know I hear low music and I think, alright, well, I can deal with that. So I go to bed again. 1:45AM comes around and suddenly the music is way loud and the bass is wicked high and my floors/walls are vibrating. Seriously, vibrating. I don't have a bed, so my air mattress is vibrating with the floor. I can't sleep. I go downstairs again and hear loud voices, sounds of drunk singing to the music and loud music. So I go upstairs and put my headphones on and try to sleep again. No such luck, the music overpowers my head phones and the bass just makes my headphones vibrate. I was pissed. So I look up the office number, because I remembered while signing my lease that they had made clear certain time limits for loud parties. (I think 1am on weekends). I also remembered they said the police do not handle noise disturbances, so I call the office phone and ofcourse get the machine. I press the number for reporting noise disturbances, and it is now 2:45am. I leave a slightly loopy message (being wicked tired and mad). The machine says that someone will handle it ASAP. (Whatever that means, it's so relative a term!). So nothing happens, the music gets even louder and I get even madder. At this point it's too late to fall asleep and I can't over the music and so I sit in the floor and play Sudoku for a while. At 3:30am I call the courtesy officer again and leave a message explaining exactly how the noise is bothering me and that the people had mistakenly tried to enter my residence through the back and that I wasn't sure if they were even supposed to be there. (Again it's all a message on a machine.) Finally 4 am rolls around and the music gets turned down a bit and I hear the older person (I say older, meaning like my age to early 30's supervising the kiddies) goes to bed, slamming the doors, etc. By 4:30 am I hear a car pull up and then I hear kids going out the back and car doors slamming and driving off. So, I assume the courtesy officer showed up. I mean this is just common courtesy people: If it had been like a party from 10-12 or even 1am that would have been fine, understandable as it was a Saturday night. But to start the party at 1:30am and have it go on til 4am and beyond is just irresponsible and annoying. So at 3:30am I had also called and left a voice mail to the manager's office with a complaint. I don't mean to be a complainer, but it was ridiculous and because I live alone and do not see or know my neighbours I was very uncomfortable going over there and knocking on the door at 3 am to ask them to turn it down. Anyways, we'll see how the next few nights go, but I will make a point of touching base with the manager. It seems like someone is living there now, as there's a dog out on the patio and a babygate, but I just don't know what's up. I'm just tired and mad.

Anyways, tomorrow I go through some spiders/bugs I caught and will classify them to species if possible. I'm off to the grocery store, as I have no food! I got my first paycheck deposited into my account and for two weeks of work it was $311.70 -- almost twice that was myt gross income, but that was the net after taxes and social security were deducted. So, my budget just downsized dramatically!! I'm paid every two weeks. And those two paychecks combined aren't enough to cover my rent/utilities for a month! yikes!

Well, enough of my complaining...usually not like this: lack of sleep! I'm excitied about the new people I'm meeting and looking forward to making new friends. We'll see what happens! : ) Missing all my old friends too!

Ms. Brightside: girl, thanks so much for your posts. I am missing you a lot. I just read your email today and I think you're right: we're getting older (and that explains a lot). The PhD will take 4 years. I'll be thinking of you and what you do post Sol's, but remember: as long as your intentions are right and your actions are for the good of the people you are trying to help, then you are making a difference. Even when the field you are in is rife with corruption and cynacism. Man, Jul, I miss being able to stick my head outside my window and look up and carry on a conversation with you! Lots of memories and you're also right, I miss the place, Oxford, too -- mostly because of the people there! Kentucky is close to the middle-east of the country and sort of in between the south and the mid-West. It's below Chicago. If you do come Stateside, I'd love to host you!!! Then, I think we should go out to California and visit Saranya there and drive through Napa Valley and do some wine tasting! I had some Stella the other day and thought of you!! : ) Julia, please do take care and keep me posted on your plans. If you need anything or need me to read over any applications or essays, let me know. I'm here for whatever I can do or give you! : ) I remember us cooking dinner together so often while you were writing up! : ) Well, here's a hug for you: >--0--< (Okay, that might not have worked!) But am giving you a hug right now : ) Caitlin asks after you all the time and says hello! She's so busy in med school now, but I'm really proud of her.

I'm going to leave Panera's...I haven't been all week long and I think they might have thought something was wrong, because they were like, "You're back!!" etc. See, before this week I was in here almost every night. With work and church activities, my week is really full (which is a good thing) and I'm just too tired to come to Panera's to use the internet. They can pretty much guess what I'll get when I come in....so I realize that I might be developing an addiction to Panera's Mocha Almond drink and the cookies...my goodness those wonderful, glorious, moist, lovely, flavourful cookies!!!! Okay, Rach, enough, girl you are going to gain back your chocolate paunch and then some if you don't start rationing sweeties! : ) (I tend to talk to myself now too in my apartment, since I don't have a roomate and there are no dogs around to hang out with!!). (Caitlin says that's a sign of insanity....that remains to be seen: stay tuned!) : )

Missing everyone a lot and extending a future invitation to come and stay with me in Lexington -- i promise that eventually I will get furniture, including a real table, real chairs and a real bed maybe. : )

I'm back at Panera's! : ) It's like my new home...they know me now. It's kind of scary....they know exactly what I"ll want, although today I threw them for a loop and got this iced mocha almond drink...pretty good! : )

Anyways, today went well. Both meetings were good and I got to sound off some ideas. I think for now, a good compromise has been reached on all fronts....diplomatic me! But I will be doing even more sampling: beat sheets and shaking the tree, pitfall traps in the ground. I'll be collecting all predators, but starting to key out (taxonomy) the spiders first. I'll plan to publish (I have to have something in press by the end of the summer) the spider stuff and work on other predators. Since I'm catching insects from on/in the tree and those dwelling on the ground, I've got some long days, more like long long nights in front of the microscope and using microdissection tools to identify all these insects to species. The crazy thing is, I kind of like doing that stuff -- it's neat, and the bugs become much less scarier when you can see them up close and notice cool things about them or realize just how detailed in structure and function they are and appreciate the complexity that went into their creation. Plus, they are dead when I handle them ; )

So, tomorrow I'm going to a church service and their 20/30's single group afterwards. It should be fun, I went to a thing there on Wed and loved it. Everyone was friendly, the music was very contemporary and it kind of felt very similar to the church in Oxford I went to, which was great. I figure I need to meet people and put myself out there and get active. That's just what I've learned from striking out on my own so often the last several years of my life. Cait's hoping I'll meet my future hubby and hers while I'm in Lexington (hahaha!). Anyways, this is where Melanie goes and another girl from the department, Anna. On Monday I'm going to a 1 year birthday party for my lab mate's son. So that should be fun and there'll be lots of little babies around : )

On a note of babies, I'm loving this time of year! There're tons of fledging birds everywhere and they all seem to like coming on my patio. I've seen robins, blackbird, and there's a trio of pigeon chicks who use my patio to get fed by their parents. It's kind of cool. I really am a nature freak!

The apartment is still so very empty....so tomorrow I'm going to Goodwill and the Salvation Army to try to russle up some furniture. I'm going to be buying a futon from Melanie, so hopefully by the end of the summer, I'll be amenable to guests! It's such a part of my nature to have people over and cook for them or host events....and it's killing me that I can't. Seriously, "welcome to my apartment, don't mind the echo and watch your step I don't have lamps in that part of the apartment; oh and please find a comfortable corner on the floor and make yourselves at home....there's only one cushion, so fight amongst yourselves for it....oh, sorry there's no tv, no stereo...there's well, there's some science textbooks and my childhood random knickknacks you can go through....yep, that's pretty much it." Very warm and friendly ; ) So, that's my next game plan, while in the throughs of major fieldwork that will require me overnighting at several of the sites. I don't think I'll be camping out completely; I'm pretty sure there's a cabin at most of the sites that I can use, and my supervisor has said I won't go out to the field alone. (Which is good, some of those sites are literally along a steep hill on the side of a mountain...)

But I'm looking forward to this new chapter in my life....it should be a good one. Still feeling a bit lonely, but I think I'll be plugged into a good group of friends, and I've met more people from the department who are all friendly, so that's good. In fact, this weekend, I'm taking care of Anna's cat. Her name is Izzy and she's very cute and talkative! Anna lives in the next complex over, so I'll just walk over and feed Izzy/probably make use of Anna's tv and internet! : )

I sure do miss having a dog around though.....went on a pet adoption website today. But I can't get a pet and not have any furniture, so first thing's first.