Last night, I heard the veena played live for the first time by my friend Manjari. Wow. It was so beautiful and she played so gracefully. The sound is so hard to put into words except to say it is haunting in a way, rich in tone, and I think when played by someone who obviously loves the instrument and music, really speaks to you if you're willing to sit back, listen, and just let the music take you places. We have nothing quite so pretty as that in the States.

I remember when I was little my Dad had this old records (yes, we're talking like, the big black records) of classical Indian and Greek music (my dad being Greek). So he used to play them for us when we were little. We used to get so excited playing with my Mom's sari and kaftans from India and this peacock feather fan she had. You know, I almost had a bhaiyah? But because my parents were only engaged, they wouldn't allow the adoption. My Mom still thinks of that little boy. But back to the records....so my Dad would play them a lot, and I remember him putting on the Greek ones and making us dance around the table in the living room. From an early age...always dancing dancing dancing round that table to lively Greek music. I forget the steps now, but it was so much fun. Am sure anyone peaking into the windows would've been scandalized. Look at that Pastor and his kids...dancing like banchees around that table, jumping everywhere, spinning, laughing....tsk tsk so not proper.

I think we were lucky in our upbringing. I mean, my Dad tried to be strict and sometimes I think he was, but he never suffocated us. I know my parents sacrificed a lot to let us do and have the things which really define us today. They paid for my sister's dance lessons, and she danced for 14 years. (May sound biased here) I used to love going to her recitals, because she was the best one as far as I was concerned. Her feet were always properly placed (she did ballet), and she stepped so gracefully up onto her toes. I remember when she was learning seeing her wrapping her feet up and bandaids everywhere, but when she danced you never knew it. She did modern, lyrical and jazz dancing too, which I loved to watch. We both played flute, my sis even 'upgrading' to the piccolo! I wish I had mine here, because I used to play all the time. I sang in choirs. At one point my parents paid for me to have a few voice lessons when I was 13, and in high school my band director gave my sister and I lessons. That's when we started singing together for school talent shows. I mean, no voice ever fits with yours or harmonizes with yours like your sisters : ) I loved those times. Hahaha, sorry...funny memory here. We did a Jeckyl & Hyde themed show one year, where I sang a song, "No One Knows Who I Am" where I was s'posed to sing the word "Damn!!" but, was so nervous with my parents there, I sang the first verse again...haha...chickened out...but then my Sis and I did a duet called, "In His Eyes." That was so great. But I remember singing it at home at Christmastime, and my Mom taping us. This was late at night, and we were trying to 'stage' it. I just kept singing the wrong words, and Cait would sit there, and go "UUHHHHH..." (rolling of eyes, shaking of head). Cut, retake. ; ) And then in the most romantic moment of the song, it's quiet and I start off with, "Will his eyes reveal to me, promises or lies?" and Cait goes, "but he can't conceal from me..." (supposed to be "the love in his eyes"). Except, needless to say, turkey does this to you, and beans...i mean c'mon....needless to say, I let loose a really big one....caught on tape of all things." Hehehe...oh boy, was she mad. Anyways, yeah....fun days.

My parents got me into horseback riding when I was younger. From second grade through 6th grade I was riding. I used to go and muck stalls just to be near the horses. I love horses. I loved the feeling of riding them, being free to go whereever and however fast you pleased. Making friends. It's hard to explain but the horses I rode became friends. I remember my first big fall from a horse, Anna. This beautiful small Arabian mare. She was one of the sweetest dispositioned horses I knew. We were cantering for one of the first times, and my foot came out of the stirrup and I got off balance....so I slid off the side of her, and was dragged for about 20 feet by my real foot which was stuck in the other stirrup. Thankfully the saddle I was using had these safety features where if enough pressure is applied the stirrup snaps off from the saddle. So that happened. I had my helmet on yeah, so didn't hit my head, just a thud, and whoosh thru the sawdust and dirt in the arena. Anna stopped immediately and came over. I felt her felt soft nose nudging my cheek. She had come back and was checking on me. I was afraid to get back on, but I did, and do you know she gave me the smoothest ride ever. I think she was careful.

And then there was Jared, my little brother, the sports star. Mr. Football. I can remember as a kid, him doing gymnastics, this wicked skinny, big headed, flexible boy jumping around, doing somersaults at the age of like 5. And then soccer, we have on video this game from a mixed boys and girls team, and Jared, at age 5, pushing a girl down from his own team, so he could get the ball. What a little man! : ) Next was Little League baseball. I remember going to all his games and cheering for him. He played 2nd base or right field. In school he played all sports, football, basketball and baseball. In high school though, he became a football star (Mr. Homecoming King himself). Was not there to witness it, but when I was home, I used to go to all his games. He hated when we cheered for him, but c'mon...that's my job to torture and embarass him infront of his friends, hehe. But it was so cool. I wish I hadn't been so far away for college, because I always missed his football seasons. But we used to sit and watch sports together all the time (sometimes not by my choice...). So every Superbowl, World Series, even the Stanley Cup for hockey...we watched. I knew more than I ever wanted about sports, especially football.

The cool thing is, I can go home now and teach him a sport or two. Rugby, yeah...and cricket. I fell in love with cricket here. Wow. I never expected it. My friend Sahir had tried desperately hard to teach the game to me before I came here, and I was hopeless. Even he gave up, and yes, he even tried to teach me Hindi, and gave up. Haha. But I come here, and my friends rope me into cricket before I know what's going on. It was great. I loved going to the India matches, and even though I was scared to death, had fun playing in that one match. Haha...So let's see if I can start a cricket revolution in the States when I go home! : )

But, sorry, back to my parents. So many memories flying through my mind, what to share? :) I think I was lucky, because my parents instilled in me a love for other people. They exposed me to my first new culture: Indian, from an early age. They opened their home up in college to my closest friends, Miri and Abbie. They asked questions and wanted to learn. That's what was so cool, I felt as though I could bring these cultures I had come to be a part of home with me. Mirioni...my best friend....chingu...saranghe, an yoooonnnnggg!! :) Abbie, nina ku penda rafiki yangu....Bwana asifiwe! I got my parents hooked on Kenyan chai tea!! My Dad, who swears he will never touch a drop of tea ever....now asks me to make it when I come home. He's looking forward to eating 'real' Indian food too. Haha, so the pressure's on. I mean, basically my parents encouraged me to think outside my own world and see the world through other eyes, walk in others shoes....embrace other's uniqueness, just as I wanted my own to be. My Dad's said from early on that he thinks I'll live and marry internationally. Haha...Can I share something funny? I think my Dad's a bit disappointed I didn't meet anyone here in Oxford. He was convinced I would...well, so I was I probably too. But, yeah....he's like, "how will you meet someone international if you come home?" hahaha. But I know my Dad wants me home. ; )

I'm looking forward to seeing friends I've been away from. Kim is having her first born son any day now (I was a bridesmaid in her wedding before coming here), Miri's in law school at W&L, Abbie's in Arkansas, Jasmine is in Baltimore (Ball-more), Kim is in CT finishing up her MSc in Psych....Charity is also in CT. And then me....hahaha, oh boy, who would've thought, homeless, jobless, penniless. But with too many places to go, and not enough time to see everyone left behind back home.

Miri, can I share this? :) I remember Miri's and my first year together in undergrad. We were discussing guys we could marry. This girl was very firm: 100% Korean, not Korean American, but Korean!! hahaha, so as we've progressed over the years together, she's come slightly over to my side of things, and has informed me that a Korean American would do for her too! : ) But this is her dream match for us: me marry a Korean, her marry a Korean American. Hahaha. Guys, the three of us are gonna be back together soon. The Three Amigas....or three troublemakers, however you might view it. Abbie....Rach.....Miri....ARM ; )

But you guys have to accept me now....according to Miri, Jared, my Dad, my sis, my accent has changed so much they don't recognize me anymore. Miri and Dad said I sounded almost Indian and British. Cait said British, and Jared just had to hang up on me because he couldn't take it. He's like, "your not my sister" and Miri was like, "you are not my best friend." Guys, I swear it's me. : ) Sometimes new friends leave lasting impressions....so don't be surprised if you hear a few Hindi words coming from this mouth yaar ; ) Sometimes new friends feel just like 'old' friends....and I know I have many lifelong friends here in Oxford.

Gosh, I am a hodge podge of things now!! : ) Feeling a bit less senti about going home....looking forward to it. But still apprehensive and sad nonetheless.

She's been thinking about what will happen when she goes home. Will she find everyone changed? Will the people she knew remember her? Will she find it's she herself who has changed so much? Those butterflies are swarming inside that belly of hers...and no amount of laughter can change that now. The unknown...it never leaves an easy feeling, does it? You see, she had built a sort of home here. She thought she'd be staying longer. God has other plans though, but what they are remain to be seen. Maybe my home needs me more...there are things for me to do. I could help with hurricane recovery, animal resue, environment clean-up. She's just afraid of what she'll find back home.

Fear of leaving what she's come to love so much here.

For Julia, Saranya and Mother:
(The Abraham gang)

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some are gone and some remain

All these places have their moments
With people and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
But in my life, I loved them all

But of all these friends and loved ones
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new

Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and friends that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
But in my life I loved you more

Today is a much better day. Last night was so hilarious. Fatima is back in Oxford, hoo-ray!! :) Am so happy to see her again and catch up. Stuti crashed at my place last night. Dear, sweet Stu....and she pulled the handicap alarm in my room. Hehehe. And I, clueless as to what to do, tried calling the housekeeper, who is away on holiday...there is no night porter here at Linacre college...so I was stuck. Who'm I gonna call? But Saranya...haha...what an awesome guy, he comes out at half past midnight to get the porters keys from a locked safe and come and shut off the alarm. This is only done by a magnetic key thing. That was so nice of him to come out...and pretty funny too. Poor Stu, I didn't tell her not to pull it...I forgot to warn her ;) Anyways, was thinking on that....the multiple ways we'd get out of it. Hahaha...the best idea was I'd lie on the floor looking as if i'd fallen (with my leg off ofcourse), straining for my crutches....but alas....from the time we got Saranya, the alarm had been sounding a good half hour atleast...so if I really was in need of serious help, I'd be dead! Because there is no one to respond!!! Thankfully, Bhaiyah to the rescue!!

I went to see the new Pride and Prejudice movie tonight with Shreya, Chandru and Brisena (a new friend). We laughed a lot...it was slightly funny, but they made the most romantic parts of the book, soooo lame....i mean the two marriage proposals were a far cry from the heart pulling moments they were in the book. Shreya was in stitches the whole time :) hehehe...needless to say, Colin Firth is the man, I recommend seeing the BBC version, rather than this one.

I am realizing how much packing I have to do, and that I need a place to stay as soon as I leave college accommodation. I'll try not to wear out my welcome....anybody with spare floor space??

Here's my 'Room Requested' Add:

Nice girl seeks small floor space to sleep for next few days. Comes with excellent cooking skills, can sing you a song, do your mending, washing, ironing (scary, eh? hahaha)...just needs space for two suitcases and a backpack... ;)

Let's try again:

Help!! In desperate need of a patch of floor to sleep on. 4+ years experience as a roomate, considerate to other's needs, only needs a small space of 5 feet by 2 feet (well, probably bigger than that, but i like to think i'm that small)...will teach you self survival cooking essentials (if you so need to be taught)...will teach you all about zoology (am looking for a job as well too....)...could be enjoyable company. :)

Will keep you all posted! Don't worry, Mom and Dad...I'll be fine! :)

"You are tying the tip of your heart to a pillar that cannot be moved." Oh, Stu, you are right...thanks for listening and the advice. You so eloquently put into words how I was feeling :) "thhhaennkkssss" (said thru a 'closed' mouth in a wide smile) ;) Sometimes we need someone else to tell us what it is we are doing and why we are feeling in such a way. You know I've been incredibly blessed by friends with excellent foresight....Abbie, Miri, Imelda, Julia, Stuti....ladies....if only I could listen to you and really listen! I, on-the-other-hand, am very blessed with hindsight. Oh yes, hindsight, only afterwards do I realize what I should have done, how I've misinterpreted this or that....or just simply had false hopes about something...I'm always learning these things the hard way, which isn't always the best way, yeah? Anyways, Stuti...I will try hard to unfetter the tip of my heart from that pillar!! Because it's been pulled in all directions only by myself, attempting to move that pillar with me, when it is immovable and I lack the strength of Sampson (though I think my long hair rivals his) to move it. (If you aren't sure, ask me the story of Sampson).

You are tying the tip of your heart to a pillar that cannot be moved...

Inadequacy.....inadequate....my word for the day.

Inadequate words to say good-bye to my friend, only able to do so with a quick hug and tears. My friend...Mitashi. This a girl so full of life, who always made me smile, who used to crash in my place every time we had a thesis or an assessed essay due....the girl who taught me to talk in gibberish ;) Yes...our Mitts. Lovely, late, brutally honest Mitts ;) I don't know why, but I felt so protective and motherly towards her...maybe because I saw some bit of idealism I thought I had lost...(but Mitts, wasn't too overbearing, was I? -- if I was, it just means I cared that much more about you) :) She remembered something I had told her, how I felt like Radha sometimes and gave me that in her g'bye gift....Well, girl...don't worry I will see you soon in Pune, and meet your Krishna...and maybe have met my own by then...who knows? As you reminded me so many times, be stubborn and don't give up...and stop wallowing in past brokenness. YES! Mitts, we never said it to each other, but i mean it: Thanks...you taught me there was a lot more to life. Safe journey home, and only the best in matters of the heart :)

Inadequacy....Radha kaise na jale....even though i said "YES!" up there...can I wallow one more time? Not wallow...but explore is a better word....why after all this time, after I've proven to myself that I am not physically inadequate, do I still feel so much so? I push myself beyond my limits so many times, even to the point of extreme pain and fatigue, but why? Why do i still feel like I have so much to prove in that department? Why does having just one foot make me feel so inadequate? I think these things come back to haunt me now, when I'm leaving Oxford, saying good-bye to friends....leaving security...starting over again. Inadequacy...it's an ugly word...

I hate when people pity me...I think that also contributes to my little 'inadequacy' problem, that if you know me, happens every now and again...normally I'm not like this at all, I'm full of jokes. Pity makes you feel even more inadequate. As if there really is something wrong...I mean it reminds me of the guy in my high school who asked me if I'd be able to 'have sex and get pregnant' with just one foot...my gosh!? where do feet come into that process!? ;)

I mean c'mon...you people out there with two legs...what are you thinking? Most other animals have 4, 6, 8, legs! Even 10!! but yeah, you all have that common demonator (wow, you know it's bad when I try to incorporate maths into this!!) of two. Well...see it from my side...plants have 1 stalk...yeah...and they stand alone, like me. (The biologist in me coming out....man, I knew I should've gone into botany instead of zoology!!)

Oh, Rach...stop this stupid rant, it's really all directed at yourself, you're mad at yourself and no one else. I hate when I let myself slide into that inadequate feeling.

I might not realize it all the time
But really deep down I am all fine
I mean who can come and save the day?
Unfettered by nerves stamp out the fire that got away?
Who can rescue their little cousin from that pesky bee?
Even if it tried, it couldn't really sting me
Who loved kickball, so obvious to tell...
Me, who with my 'mighty leg' could kick so well
Who can fall out of a canoe
Get caught in rapids and a waterfall
Come out with her leg all askew
Twist it back into place, and say, 'whew, was that all?'
Who can actually say, if I break this one, s'okay
I got an extra one in my closet for such a day

Who can know the full beauty of her sister's dancing feet
As she watches mesmerized in her seat
Who knows empathy beyond her years?
Who knows the pain behind the tears?
Who feels free when she rides the horse's back?
When she realizes it's nothing that she really lacks...
It's only what others see missing outside
When it's they who miss the me inside
I can walk, run, swim, climb, canoe....
Ride horses, train dogs....even sing too

When i was young I even thought...
'Those poor kids, they don't know what they got...
They must be special cases you see...
Because they have two feet, unlike me...
So that makes them different and i should be kind
One leg is normal, i thought in my mind'
I wish I could go back to that innocent age
Before anger, hurt, and rejection wrote on my life's page
But I can give hope to young ones like me
Say look around at all you see
Nothing is ever impossible to do
The limits are what lie deep inside of you

If you believe and have faith you will overcome
And that 'little leg' will have turned into a normal one
For my special blessing to have in life
Is the power to help others overcome their own strife
That blessing might come with a personal cost
But what i've gained is more than the foot i lost
I can appreciate the differences in eachother
I can show love to a broken other

You see my life without a foot is not the end
For me my prosthesis is my friend
Without, yeah, i'm a fish out of water
I hop, and I crawl, I tumble and totter
I think i should stop before my leg rails,
It's been so good, I owe it painted nails
It has been my ticket to freedom every day
And a point of connection to those i meet along the way
When i wear pants I look just like you
It gives me my denominator of two

YES! I am not inadequate, and I do seriously owe my fake leg a washing up and i think painted nails for graduation. Even though, it's in full sub-fusc and will be wearing tights and a closed to shoe. Just remember, oh, dependable leg of mine: It's not what's on the outside really, but what's on the inside that counts. :) Extra plug for my leg: this one allows me to wear heels, so this past year has been my first in heels....but man, women with two legs are insane....why did i think heels were so speical? Not just because i'm shorter than everyone else... :) And yeah, I am the cool cousin who saved the day...

But the best part of all has been being able to write to kids who have undergone amputations and tell them it's all going to be okay, tell them they can play basketball, dance at their senior prom....and telling thier parents, don't worry...inspite of the pain the rewards are far greater, because without having lost something, you can never fully appreciate it. Your kids will be ones who will make the kind of friends who 'stick closer than a brother,' who will be the kind ambassadors tolerant of others differences, and running to embrace each person's uniqueness. They'll see life from a deeper perspective, and they will be strong. Maybe not phsyscially strong, but character-wise, emotionally and spiritually...they'll be filled with compassion for the weaknesses of others.

But even us strong kids have our moments of weakness...but mine has passed already, erased by the memory from last summer, of seeing a little 5 year old girl, so much like myself, with a birth defect and amputation, running around on her prosthesis, chasing bubbles in the air to her heart's content....seeing the awkawardness with which she moved, but only momentarily, because I was captured by the smile and squeals of delight, but mostly by the sparkle of joy in her eyes. And you know what? She caught every bubble!

This is my song from the past year.....these are the friends whose smiles and laughter were my melody.....these are the friends who shaped me.....these are the moments that made Oxford what it was to be. I want you to see them, and i'll save my words (their stories) for another day. (Friends from US -- don't worry!! I'll put you in too when I get home!!).

Imelda, me and Julia for the Tsunami Relief Night (Indonesian traditional dress)

Me and Aarti after throwing colours for Holi (March)

Imelda, Hiromi and Fatima (the more 'mature' ladies) :)

Mitts, Jaci, Hedi and Stuti (Bollywood Bop May)

Neha, Julia and Shreya, our 'economists for development" ;)


Formal hall dinner with Julia, me, Halim and Saranya


The gang, typical dinner guests in Abraham builidng! ;)


At the St. Gile's Fair...Stu's head is missing!


The India Cricket team in the Mini-World Cup

Me and Shreya

Mother and her family: Furqon and baby Oxa

And lastly, me: the singer

She steps up to the microphone and nervously taps it....."ahem...i-is this th-thing on?".....everyone laughs....and she smiles....she likes when people laugh, it makes her stomach's butterflies dance in rythem....she closes her eyes and goes deep inside...it's time to let people in, to let people see what she sees, hear what she hears, feel what she feels....the music begins, first in her heart, then in her head....then out loud.

She's singing you see...

That singer is me...

Eyes closed, head tilted high...

Soul soaring in the sky...

What is my song?

I know it's so long...

For I want everyone to know it...

This singer's a poet...

Her pages are worn...

Some even torn...

But all bear the marks of her friends...

The words come from life's little bends...

The amazing miracles that have taken place...

She remembers the smile on each one's face...

The tears and joy in just one year...

Do you have a listening ear?

I want to share my life's song...

And you know me, it'll always be long...

I want to let you enter in...

As i attempt to begin...

I sing a melody...

It's not just my own you see...

You all gave it to me...

You all are my harmony...

My rythem is our daily laughter...

My words are my reflections after...

So relax, close your eyes, and follow me...

I want to show you what I see...

Experience life the way I do...

My music plays because of you...

She stops....thinking her number was way too long, and opens her eyes and wonders who had caught a glimpse of who she really was. Some faces stare, others smile....she thinks they must've followed a while....she smiles slightly to herself, knowing that each song she sings is meant to share that hidden part....and she walks away from that stage glad to remove the spotlight, once again the nervous butterflies return....this time in pandemoneom....she laughs and stepping outside throughs her hands in the wind....humming a familar melody....finding a friend to sing harmony....and another to give a beat....and still another to form a chorus....she steps back, happy to share in the song and find herself party to life's secret concerts.