Before I start here! STU!!!!! I've been trying to email you and I don't think I've got your address right! If you read this, can you send me an email or else just post a reply....is it a "_" or a "." between your first and last names for gmail??? I've sent out emails to both ways, but i'm not sure if it's working! I hope you get this!!!

I'm putting my poem first this time....it's more important than my ramblings!

Julia, I know what you mean about saying good-bye

And how all those tears seem to have gone dry

You think you've let go to the things from before

Only to find them knocking at your heart's door

I think we're meant to really hold on

Yet in the process let go of things that are gone

I know it's sounds off and not quite right

But I think it's a battle we all have to fight

We hold on to memories and our friends we held dear

But we let go of those daily bonds which kept us near

We can't see each other and talk and laugh like we did

But we aren't completely lost, heaven forbid

We have just found a different place

Since we don't meet face to face

It's one that lies deep in our hearts and our mind

It's a special spot, one of it's kind

It's reserved for those we want to see, but cannot

It's for those after which we always sought

You know those dinners and late night chats

The teas, baby talk, an Indo-Pak match

It's for the ones who made us smile

It's for each one's unique style

Punting for the first time, London town

Champagne and a heavy graduation gown

You, me and Imelda at the John Radcliffe

Little Oxa, who gave our hearts a lift

For me, cooking rajmah for everyone

With special classmates, lots of fun

Under the influence of Brits and Indonesians

But ultimately won over by all those Indians

We both found a home together

And a close cirlce of friends that distance cannot sever

I miss you a lot and I think of you often

It's our shared smiles that helps my pain to soften

Though we might not always keep in touch

I hope you all know that I love you so much

Today is the last day of October! I can't believe it. I'm back in Virginia, as confused as ever as to what to do with myself and this knee of mine. I need immediate health care, but the problem is I can't afford it and don't have health insurance. I saw my doc in Boston and saw a therapist once....and have my home exercises, but I should be seeing someone again. It's frustrating and it seems like Boston is out. Boston though, is where I qualify for free doctor visits and therapy at the hospital in the city....it's just that I have no means of transport into the city....all my relatives work during the day or else have kids and can't make the trip into the city on a regular basis. My Nana has also expressed some doubt as to my staying with her....and I know it would be too difficult as her house isn't exactly crutches-user friendly and she's dealing with her Alzheimer's. So for now I'm back at my parent's place in Virginia. Oh! My Mom and I tried to see if I could qualify for disability, but because of my education, my physical disability is cancelled in a way. Because I'm educated, I can use my mind at tasks, rather than my mobility. UG! But it's true....here, you have to show that for 12 months you will be absolutely debilitated to even qualify to apply.....it's crazy...they don't really have any options for people like me, stuck in limbo, mid-injury. Oh well....Let's see.

Can I be honest here? I've turned into an absolute poop....i'm a cranky bitch these days and I don't like it. It's not fun, I'm miserable and my parents are miserable. I hate this feeling of disability. I finally told my Mom off and took a shower alone....took me forever to do it....but finally did. I hated having to wait until she had time off from work for me to do it. I felt bad for telling her off and we' ve made up...it's frustrating for both of us. I'm lonely here...there's no one my age to hang out with, socialize with or even talk to. I've got my parents....and then 11 boys on the hall between ages 13-18. What fun!? ; ) Wow...sarcasm too. Sigh....I don't like being like this. Today I resolved to have a good day and just get on with life as best I can for now...and what do ya know? but the pain in my knee comes back....but hey...it's okay....I'm dealing....I've got 2 dogs as daily companions....one, poor girl, is getting old....that's my Gussie. She's so sweet....but a stinker none-the-less....and then there's Toula....who is the epitomy of all evil....and I mean that 100%....this dog, jumps and climbs and sits on top of you when you are seated in a chair or on the couch...she doesn't seem to understand that you are not her pillow....she wakes you up in the middle of the night (either by said act; as the couch is my bed for further notice), or else with a very cold, very wet nose, planted into your cheek, face, or neck.....and then she runs away, lays down the floor and looks and acts like she didn't do anything wrong....so when i protest in the middle of the night, or else cry out in pain (as my leg/brace seems to be a favorite target of hers)...my Dad comes out and tells me to be quiet and get to bed....but it's her!!! She also chews anything imaginable....it's hard to keep up with her....she's spoiled!! Gussie's even lost any sort of training I had given her while growing up! Eiyeiyeiyeiyei!

It was nice this weekend, my best friend called me and we talked for 2 hours....it was great. She's 2 1/2 hours away from me back at W&L where we both went for Undergrad, she's there at Law School. It would be nice to visit there again. I know my friend Jasmine is nearby, and I'm hoping to call her....I need to find all my US friends' phone numbers! I miss Abbie too, but she's very far away in Arkansas....and then all of my friends back in Oxford, in India, in Indonesia, in the Solomon Islands....everywhere....I feel kind of cut off from everyone these days. The computer is in my parents' room and I need my Dad to turn it on and sign in....so if I forget to ask when he and my Mom go on the hall to work with the boys...well, it's too late. See since this is a school for troubled teens, and we're on their network....I can't even do normal things like listen to Raaga.com (I'm dying!!!!)....visit some Oxford websites....look up some things....it's so annoying!! Plus my Dad has the password to sign-in...and won't give it to me...dunno why...but he won't. I can't even download yahoo instant messenger or msn and that's killing me, cause I know I'd be able to catch almost all of my friends on that....anyways, life has to go on somehow.

So today, I'm going to try to email as many people as I can.....spoke to my sis yesterday, which was cool...she's been cooking my recipes!! ; ) These are ones I did once in Oxford: my Greek chicken and the Salsa dip thingi I had made. I owe Imelda my corn pudding recipe!!! I will email that out to you right away!!!

One funny thing I have to share: My arms have turned into man's arms!!!!! I feel like they've doubled in size, along with my shoulders....sigh...but I've got more definition and toning in my arms than I ever wished for, and than most guys i know!!....wish that would extend to my stomach!! ; ) It's from the crutches and me pushing myself to move around more....I even put music on the other day (my Dad's old records, including that Greek one!) and danced around with my crutches....but the only sort of dance-like thing I can do is....THE TWIST!!! ; ) hahahaha...got an abdominal workout there....and also was spent for the rest of the day! It was fun, except when Toula went nuts cause she got nervous with my 'dancing skills' and ran around the room mulitple times, bouncing like a ping-pong ball (or wait...table tennis ball, for Saranya) off the couch. She nearly knocked me over and started barking and growling at me. The funny thing with her is, she's big dog...she's like I don't know 50-60 pounds....but her bark is like a yap and her growl is hysterical....she's no more ferocious than a goldfish! ; ) So i started laughing, which set her off even more....had to stop when Gussie got in on the act, her bark is much louder than her bite, but she's an old gal, and she's the boss.

I hope all my friends are doing well! I'm sorry if I haven't been in good touch....but please know that I am thinking of you all the time and miss you a ton....I have two friends in Connecticut...Charity and Kim....hope they are doing well! Kim you'll graduate soon with a Masters in Psych! And then there's Mrs. Kim ; ) She's nearby too and has become Mommy Kim I think by now. I haven't found people's phone numbers and their new email addresses were saved in my Herald webmail...which i was stupid enough to forget to copy down. So for now, am going through my things and hopefully you guys will get a call from me soon! My cell phone isn't mine anymore, the lovely brother of mine, Jared, has taken it over in my Oxford absence....so feel free to call him and bug him -- he needs it!

hi everyone! i am now in Boston where I'm being treated for my dislocated knee. it's looking good, thus far....well...yeah. so, the low-down is this: Wed saw the surgeon who had done my amputation, he said cast off, knee healing niclely and fitted me with a knee brace. Thurs: cranky, cranky day...started my physio (physical therapy)....ouch, aahhhh, booo..... :*( Didn't realize how weak my leg had become just being immobilized for 16 days, but jelly is the only word i can think of to describe it. the therapist asked me to contract my quad muscle....and i was like, "grrr..." and got this wimpy little blip of a contraction....so....am grit determined to work as hard as i can to get better. my therapist says i'll be dancing again by New Year's....let's hope so. I didn't realize how much of a long haul it would be.

Anyways, today is Friday, I'm writing from my Aunt and Uncle's computer while my cousin Ryan practices guitar. He's good guys!! : ) They live across the street from my Nana. Let me say, staying with your grandmother can be very dangerous for the mid-section....wow....and even though i tell her, "Nana, whew...i can't eat another bite"....she pulls out a cookie...or a pudding...or something and insists i eat it....yikes. I took a shower here, as they have a first floor bathroom....oh it was glorious....finally after 21 days with no shower....I am a new woman! ; ) YES!!! My Mom nearly had a heart attack helping me out these days with that and my home exercises from therapy. I have to do them 4 - 6 times a day....4 for now since i've just begun. they are the most simple things....laying with my leg elevated and lower leg supported, contracting my quad for 5 secs at a time....36 of those (but should be doing it thru out the day constantly)....then terminal extensions, where my leg hangs down at a bend, and i just lift my lower leg up and down....3 reps of 12...and who knew i'd be pooped after this! but last one is hamstring exercises, where i need help turning over onto my stomach and then a pillow goes under my quad, and then i bend my leg upwards.

Full knee rotation is 130 degrees....and i have right now...or thursday at evaluation....drum roll please, am impressive....huge number of ...... 40!!!!! :*( hehe....i was like, oh boy, by next week, let's double it....the therapist was like, "hold on there young lady...you work to the pain, not thru it!" let's see....am determined to get better....and now my stubborn streak is kicking in! See...i never felt disabled before....ever...with my prosthesis....and now I truly am....my 'foot's been taken away from me....i'm stuck.

I'll keep my progress posted....have two more sessions of home exercise to go! today is much better...for the last two days i was in a huge amount of pain, but today not so bad....i just over did it a bit doing the last set of exercises.

The last few weeks have been both incredible, sad, and scary, and now I have reached my last night in Oxford, sitting alone with my thoughts....she smiles as a tear slides down her cheek.

Where to begin?? Let's just list the important events....am all senti already ;)

Lots of sad farewells since Mitashi's: Stuti's in particular, Chandru too....Chandru how did your huge suprise go? I am sure your family was so happy to see you, the best surprise for a mother is to see her children! Stuti, I am praying for you and yours...what a privilege to see your parents again and meet your brother. I am thinking of you often...and hey, I love the rings you left...I can wear them on both feet! and the bags are beautiful...thank you. I will come to see you in Ahmdebad ofcourse!

I graduated!!! Yeah!!! I'll get pics from Saranya later, but I had part of my Oxford 'family' there: bhaiyahji Saranya, anuj Aman, and ofcourse, Aarti, meri pyaari dost! Who happened to have so much guts, she doused me with champagne and half the population of oxford too ;) hehe...thanks guys, it meant so much to look up and see you all waving at me! : ) So, I am now: Rachael Elaina Mallis, MSc...hm...nawww...just call me Rach still please....i haven't changed that much.

There were many nice get togethers and parties, with some crazy head banging by Sri and Saranya...oh guys...please send me a copy of that video or else put in on the OIS website!!!!!! :D

But there was also the fateful night, which brings me to my quiet reflection. I'm stuck now with nothing to do and no one around....and can't move out on my own. Haha, those who know me best know I am the most independent person ever, in terms of physical movements...and here I am stuck, unable to move, and it's not because of my prosthesis, it's because of another injury. I am in a full blue cast (which I will try to get ppl to sign!) on my whole little leg!!

What happened? Well, the singer broke her leg (literally) on stage ;) Yes...I slipped on some water in the kitchen while going for water at my graduation party, and dislocated my knee. I can laugh and joke now...but I have to be honest, it was the most horrible pain I have ever felt in my entire life....I kept screaming out for Saranya. I saw my knee too....and that was the scariest part...and I think I really was one of those 'trouble' patients...I fought the pain medicine...I just had trouble thinking beyond the pain and when I tried to think of something else, tried to breathe deeply, all I could think of was, "oh great, you've done a number on yourself" or "oh God!! please don't let them take off my prosthesis" or "Saranya, make the pain stop"....I guess it was pretty dramatic...but you know what, I wouldn't have done it anywhere else. All of my friends were there with me....Manjari was amazing, she held me the whole time and kept talking to me in my ear, Saranya ofcourse was there, and held my knee and explained everything that was going on...he took incredible care of me....Aman was there, he called the ambulance, and has arranged for taxis to get me from here to there, Aarti tried to lift me when I initially fell and could you believe the girl, she did. Sridhar was there, Halim was there, Niranjan was there, Sarah was there, Divya was there....All these guys...they packed a bag for me, Manjari and Saranya came to the hospital in the ambulance with me, and all of these guys have visited me at Manjari's and sat with me for hours. I am so blessed to have such friends.....

And I had plans too...I was hoping to cook a final dinner goodbye for all of them, I was hoping to go buy gifts to leave behind....deliver letters telling each one how much they mean...but maybe I don't have to...Maybe everyone knows how much I care and appreciate them. I hope so....(pause, crying now....have been trying to be funny or atleast have good humor, but it's not working)....

There's a song that I keep singing in the back of my head...you know I've sung in Indonesian, Hindi mostly, and even Spanish for everyone, but haven't sung an English song. The one I would've sung to say goodbye is this one....it applies to all of my friends here, both near and dear....and those who have left...those who remain....first let me say, the hardest part of holding on is letting go.... ;) it's time for me to let go...and I so desperately don't want to.

When I'm down, when my soul's in need of rest
Come your words of comfort and of hope
I see your face, always smiling back at me
A stream of light shining straight to the heart

Child of God, Child of Light
There'll be no more lonely nights
Cause you have brightened up my life
There's a road that leads me to this place
A path of love, running straight to the heart

Over the years, I've learned one important thing
It's that real friends
Shall never truly be apart
You were there in my darkest time of need
With a hand, reaching straight to the heart

Child of God, Child of LIght
There'll be no more lonely nights
Cause you have brightened up my life
Take this gift, it is all I have to give
A prayer of love, forever straight to the heart

So, now tonight I will stay my last night at Saranya's place, and I think have Shreya crashed....aaahh, more crying...Mom, Cait, you'd be so happy (Shreya, Cait loves you, haha...you took her place, seriously!)...Shreya plucked my eyebrows for the first time for my graduation! Woo-hoo...miracles can happen, eh? So tonight, she's gonna trim my hair, make me slightly presentable, so when I reach the US of A again...I'll look American....but...I'll talk, dress, and eat like an Indian tho!

I hate goodbyes, but I always want to make sure I tell each person how I feel....I want them to know incase we don't meet again. I want them to know just how much this year has meant to me, how much each one has given me, how much I cannot ever repay, how much I love them, how much I've learned from them, how much I'll miss them, and how much.....how much....how much i love them again....

Oxford is just a place, but the people that I have met...my friends, my 'family,' they made it home. I feel almost like I am leaving home again. And I wish it didn't hurt so much....it hurts more deeply than any dislocated knee ever could.