She's back! Today she's been singing a lot and thinking in pictures. Looking back over the last several posts, she's kind of sad -- there's no poetry there, just ramblings. But that's okay...just read the 2005/2006 stuff!! :) She was really singing then.

So in the middle of a study break with spiders on my brain...here goes:

She's not quite up to singing in the microphone like she used to...but hey, she always sounds better singing in the shower anyways...so that's what she does today.

It is Easter and her heart is just about to burst because hope has come. As the water washes over her, she remembers as waves of mercy, of grace, of peace have washed over her and it was all because of this one day -- Easter.

She clears her throat, closes her eyes as pictures of Him come to her and she sings:

I'm captured by this beauty I see
Though tears fall and it's bittersweet
I cannot look to my own ugly form for fear of shame
As I find myself crying out Your Name
I am kneeling, broken, confused
Jesus, I don't know what to do

Here I am at Calvary
Again asking the question, "why me?"
You looked right at me as Your blood poured down
I could still see Your eyes through Your thorny crown
They were lovely, pure and true
Your lips parted and all I heard was, "Because I love you"

I hesitated to touch Your feet where they hung
As my heart in torment wrung
For You were beaten savagely and Your flesh was flailed
Your shoulders dislocated as Your wrists were nailed
That should have been me for all my wretched filth and stain
But You said, "I'll take your sorrows; I'll bear the pain"

What beauty that by Your stripes we're healed
That our deserved death penalty you repealed
Father, how could You send Your only boy?
Why does my heart tremble with such Joy?
Is it because I am here before You now
Where everything's as it should have been how

For by Your sacrifice of immeasurable worth
I live with eternal hope on earth
For You set me free, over the chasm I soared
I walk each step with You, our hearts in accord
No longer separated by my disgrace and shame
But forgiven and restored by the power of Your Name

Lord, my heart could burst with such love
I lift my eyes to the heavens above
No longer the Messiah's Cross before me
But You, Yourself -- Risen Redeemer, Majesty
My heart is home, I breathe in -- alive
It's time to sing hope, to revive, to thrive

Your Love surpassed all expectation
Your Strength beyond any temptation
You bought us back to the place
Where we walk with You forever in grace
Let Your Hope ring out as I praise You, Lord
Thank You for Easter, Your mercy action word

I don't know if any of my friends from England read this anymore, because it's been so long since I last wrote -- but here's a quick update on my life! :) (Sit down, grab a coffee, get comfy -- remember I tend to write books rather than notes!!) :)

So, I am now 27 years old and feeling pretty far away from my time in Oxford. Even though I hear from everyone now and again, I feel very nostalgic for that time. You see, I was really me. I didn't feel pressure to be anything but me. I'm slowly coming back to that state -- I think sometimes in the U.S. there's a lot more social pressure to conform, perform, meet expected standards that it leaves little room for you to just simply be. Needless to say, I really miss you guys!

Hm...to answer all of the usual questions: I am still in grad school, trusting that God has a plan for this crazy degree in entomology. I am 2 1/2 years into my PhD and it's gotten fairly rocky. I didn't do so great on my written qualifying exams, and ended up postponing the big viva to April of this year. My research has hit a few road blocks -- and I am struggling with staying motivated and focused. I do love and enjoy what I do - studying spiders and working to preserve hemlock trees. As long as I am outside and in nature, I am really happy. (I think I'll blog later about that....)

I will soon be living by myself again, but I think it's really okay. I've got an incredible dog, named Hope, who makes me laugh til my sides hurt - she's more melodramatic than I am! :) She loves to play and has been such a sweet gift in this last year. She's a Basenji-mix and about 45lbs. She's very "vocal", shall we say :) I named her Hope for a number of reasons. At that time, my heart was really hurting and I was asking God to help me have hope. The next day, while out collecting spiders in the rain for my project, I found her. She was in a trash can in the middle of the woods, and it was pouring rain. I remember holding her in the car ride back to Lexington and she kept very stiff and would not settle down. Suddenly, about a half hour into the ride, she let out such a mournful sigh and then tucked her head into my neck. I don't know who could do that to a puppy...she was 5 weeks old and very tiny. I struggled through whether I should keep her or not, and really felt like she was a gift to me. I named her Hope because I got to rescue her, but more importantly because she was God's gift of hope to me.

I am still single -- I haven't even dated anyone (I guess maybe that's not too surprising), and I am also trusting that God's got the right guy at the right time. I'm still really involved in my church -- I work in the kids ministry with K-2nd graders and I love it! I am also really involved in the global outreach team at my church and in fact in January was asked onto the lead team, as the prayer coordinator of sorts. I still feel called to live overseas and maybe at this point, am a little impatient for when I get to do that! And yes guys: I am still cooking rajmah, gobi aloo, jeera rice (maybe not as good as before)! :)

I'm still singing, mostly just when I'm alone, but occassionally I do get asked to sing for people :) (Vedanta and Mitashi will appreciate this -- I still get asked to sing Bheegey hont!!!!! hahaha!) I haven't written in while, poems or journalling, and I plan to start again and keep going (so keep reading!).

Let's see...my sister is doing great -- she's a real Doctor now! My brother is in the Navy and is engaged! Oh...maybe part of my nostalgia for Oxford, was that I was at my thinnest and my fittest! Guys -- I've gotten a bit pudgey...but I was asked to be in my brother's wedding, so there's some big motivation to lose weight for the summer! My folks are in North Carolina now.

My leg: I was blessed almost two years ago when I was the recipient of an incredible gift -- a new prosthesis! The one I got after when I broke my leg (wow -- remember that!?) was nearly an inch too short and I was beginning to have a lot of pain in my hip and stump. To make a long story short - someone from my church found out about my need and he was a prosthetic technician. He arranged for me to get a new leg for free! (The medical insurance through UK refused to cover a prosthesis, saying my amputation was a pre-existing condition!!). So, it took several months for me to get the new leg -- but it was worth it! It's the right height -- no more pain and it's so much easier hiking through the woods now!

I'm excited for whatever new things God has in store for me this year! So let's see what happens! :)

More to come!

Here's Hope!!! :)

I remember standing on a beach once, around 6 years ago. It was close to sun rise and I had been sitting in the sand watching the waves crash as the tide went out. I hadn't bothered this time to look for shells or colored glass...I just was....breathing deeply...letting the wind sweep through my hair. I had been burdened by a hurt heart...a crushed dream....fears for the future....

But as that wind blew, gently yet strong....I knew what I could do....

So I picked up a handful of sand and as I turned to the low lying red sun as orange flames crept over the water...I let the sand trickle out and blow into the ocean....get washed away....

If only I had let Him release my self placed inadequate bandaids before...I lifted my hand up towards heaven...and with hope, faith, resolve, said...."Have at it, Lord!"...let your cleansing water, soothing wind, tender voice...clean and heal the oozing wounds in my heart. And you know something...as the sun changed from red to fiery orange, to a bright and happy yellow...I felt so light.

Free...

His plans are not to harm you, but to give you hope and a future....His best for me is just beginning....He reminded me of that memory today and how light, free and hopeful I had felt.