These Scriptures have really spoken to me recently and provided a lot of comfort. I used to walk in God's peace and then I turned away from it. It is so freeing to turn back towards God's loving arms and walk in His peace. I love the second passage, where it says that no matter what goes wrong, no matter how bad it might be, God is compassionate and His love never fails and His peace never leaves you. The last verse reminds me not to spend too much time worrying, but to bring my requests before God and leave my anxiety with Him. I love the beauty of the first passage, it's a few verses from Psalm 119 that I pulled out that really hit home with me when I was reading it recently. I was tired and I needed to be reminded of God's unfailing love, and find my comfort again. I needed to accept God's compassion and seek it, rather than striking out on my own. Because on my own I was failing miserably. To live is Christ, and in Him I can do all things because He strengthens me. I had lost sight of that, but not any longer.

28 My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
41 May your unfailing love come to me, O LORD,
your salvation according to your promise;
50 My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life.
77 Let your compassion come to me that I may live,
for your law is my delight......Psalm 119.

10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for
you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you......Isaiah 54.

5 Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God.
7 And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.....Philippians 4

So here I am in Lexington, Virginia at Washington & Lee University where I used to attend for undergrad. I drove my best friend Miri to Law School here for her final (3rd) year. It's such a blessing to be here and have fellowship with her, be with people my age, and meet her friends here and see that she's got a nice group. I've also managed to meet up with the Baldwins, a wonderful couple who really looked after us (spiritually, and homesick-wise) during out time at W&L. I've seen a few people and faculty that I knew, and while last week most of my former professors were away on holiday, I am hoping that on Monday they'll be back in town so I can see them. I didn't realize just how much I missed this place until I drove in last Tuesday and it felt like I was coming home. I lived here most of my summers doing research, so in a way it was home.

Being able to spend time with Miri has been so good for me, and being able to share my faith and personal struggles and pray over them with her has been such a blessing. For me I'd grown really lonely....and it's so nice to be with a friend who knows me at my weakest and still loves me! (Even though I can be a melodramatic baby sometimes -- right? hhmmmm -- for Miri's benefit) ; ) But I've enjoyed this little break of mine and I'm sad to be leaving in 2 days. I'm worried about the future and getting into a PhD program....I'm worried about being single at my age....I'm worried about finding a temporary job and a place to live....so that I can be independent as I was before Oxford and breaking my leg, and so my family doesn't have to make anymore financial sacrifices for me. I think I feel that burden the most. So it's been good to share this with Miri and pray over it and just trust that God is in control and that He does have plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I've been able to let go of a lot of the anger and frustration about my leg and redealing with my self esteem about it. So I'm getting back to my old self, or rather, returning to being Rachael, instead of "here I am, leg girl" : ) I need to learn how to rely on others rather than holding things inside me and trying to deal with them on my own. I think we can experience God's comfort and healing through others. So I'm glad it is with my best friend.

I miss my other friends too, and am trying to remember that the world is a lot smaller than me think, and I know that a day will come when I'll see them again. So, if you guys are reading this, I miss you all a lot, and think of you often.

You speak in whispers that I strain to hear
O, if only I could drown out the static
Just to hear You clearly, plainly

You speak in simple tones and words
But I somehow always manage to mangle them
I seem to lose their meanings

I long for Your embrace
I long to lose this fear; to be filled with Your peace
Why do I hasten and bustle, when I could rest in You

You tell me to stop and see You
I used to look for You in grandiose things
But I was mistaken

You, I found in life's simple beauty
A hawk flying free, a praying mantis on a flower,
A gentle ocean breeze, children's laughter

I look at Man and see Your sadness
We are tainted and bent, but O, save by Your grace
We can be made whole again

You give me eyes of compassion and love
You fill me with the Joy that is found in Your Spirit
Your sacrifice girds me with the strength and courage I need

O, to clear this noisy clutter from my head
I long to just hear Your still small voice
To be held in Your arms

I long for Your presence
To walk long hours with You
To sing my life song for You

Heal me by Your touch
Assuage the open wounds on my soul
Pick me up and send me on my way, O Lord

Here are some recent pictures of the girls in my life...my 'kids' ; )

Also the last two are from yesterday, when Cait had a party for me and Maggie.

So she's on stage
But there's no audience
She's alone in her thoughts
Reliving the words, the music
She smiles at each drum beat
At each piano melody
At each guitar solo
She remembers the face of every harmony
The song is never over

Her audience is only One
She sings to bring others together
She writes to bless
She has butterflies for friends
She sings songs of greater wisdom
Experience is her composer
Life is her venue
She's found new joys
They give her voice a richer tone

If only her hymns would erase pain
They can't, but they could ease it
She sings songs of comfort
Songs of release
Like she has found
Nothing compares to the freedom
Found in vulnerable expression
She knows no greater joy
Than ministering through her song

So sing with me now, close your eyes, open your soul, feel with your heart and release yourself to the beauty of life's song. Find the joy that is found in sharing your melody, in contributing to the world's harmony -- don't close yourself off and mute your horn, but play the song found on your lips.

If only we could all sing together -- we'd find our harmony's complement each other more than we could ever imagine.

I just copied a few of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes here, some with my thoughts on why I agree with or like them.

"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point. "

I like this quote, because I think how true it could be. It takes courage to show mercy in the face of vengeance; courage to turn the other cheek; courage to show kindness in the face of evil; courage to smile in the face of hardship. Lewis is right in saying it's not just a virtue, but the expression of every virtue in the face of utmost brutality.


"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

I'm writing in pink for Miri, hahaha! (Miri's favorite color, to my utmost chagrin is pink) This sounds just like us when we first met at school: "Hi, do you teach here? (my hair was short and very curly, something older women in Korea do, so Miri assumed I was older!)." me: "No, I'm new here, I'm a freshman." Miri: "Oh, me too. I'm an MK and my Dad is a minister" me: "Me too!" Us: "Will you be my best friend?" (smile, laugh!). (Not the full extent of the story, but our own take on it).

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. "

"Affection is responsible for nine-tenths of whatever solid and durable happiness there is in our lives."

I like how Lewis says here that friendship is a substance of survival. While friendship may not be required to get through life, it sure makes a heck of a difference to survive life. For me, a life of solitude and loneliness would be insurmountable. I wouldn't survive. But, by the blessing of my friends over the years, I find life has a lot of beauty and joy to offer, and those little hardships we may meet along the way are survivable because of the love and affection of others.


"This is one of the miracles of love: It gives a power of seeing through its own enchantments and yet not being disenchanted."

"Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket--safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."

Vulnerability means a freedom in a way (to me at least), to express yourself in the fullest extent, while opening yourself to receive others in their fullest extent. It doesn't always work out, and you do become possibly broken. But you are better off for taking the chance, and you learn more about yourself every time you do. Gosh, I could never lock my heart away in a casket......but I guess I could do more to wear it less on my sleeve than I do now. I never want my heart or love to be irredeemable....how awful would that be!?

"Do not let us mistake necessary evils for good."

Hello world? Hello U.S.A? Hello everyone? Evils are never necessary! They are a means to an end, and somehow never quite come out right....aka...never good!

"No one ever told me grief felt so much like fear."

Yes.

"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn, my God do you learn."

My God how I've learned, more times that I care to remember!

"Let's pray that the human race never escapes from Earth to spread its iniquity elsewhere."

"Long before history began we men have got together apart from the women and done things. We had time."

I love this quote....it just makes sense.

"The real Oxford is a close corporation of jolly, untidy, lazy, good-for-nothing humorous old men, who have been electing their own successors ever since the world began and who intend to go on with it. They'll squeeze under the Revolution or leap over it when the time comes, don't you worry."

I needed to have an Oxford quote in for good measure....and I found it quite funny and interestingly accurate.

"Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive. It would be better to live under robber barons than under omnipotent moral busybodies. The robber baron's cruelty may sometimes sleep, his cupidity may at some point be satiated; but those who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--But,
self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

(As the Ruin Falls, by C.S. Lewis)
-- One of my favourite authors


Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that, the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

(The Road Not Taken, by Robert Frost)
-- one of my favourite poets

I got a new haircut today!!! Went a lot shorter than I've gone in a looonnngg time!!! Yikes! But I really like it. It looks better than the pictures, but trying to take a self portrait is harder than it first seemed! So, enjoy! Oh yeah, and the new specs, from Walmart....cheapest ones I could find....since the Evil One, aka my 'niece' Maggie ate my old pair of glasses! They're okay, but now I realize that I am even further developing into an old school marm look!

Okay, my update:

I just got home about 2 hours ago from taking the GRE. I have to tell you, after much trepidation through the math part, I was feeling pretty low. Then I was asked to do this random research part, so after completing that, and wanting to leave with my head hung low....my preliminary scores popped up.....and omigosh....holy "mother of pearl" (as my cousin would say)....I passed!!! (Not only passed, but did so with flying colours, and surprisingly enough scored even better on the maths section than verbal!!) So I'm not a dumbo after all!!! Am running on empty as I did power crunch study time, all nighters the last several days after convincing myself I don't know any English and my Math skills were never tested in the last 5 years.....So, whew...what a relief!

Miri, Abbie: you guys were right though, I managed to have time to edit my essays, and my grammar has gone down the tubes!!! Miri says that after spending so much time with international friends, I've lost my American grammar/accent and sound more like them : ) That's okay by me though! And American's grammar, as I found out when my first essay at Oxford was editted and graded, is not very good to begin with! : ) Unfortunately though, I've picked up quite the Boston accent....and I 'pahked my cah in the pahking lah-ot.' : ) I don't know. We all laughed last weekend because I remembered how to sing Mary Had a Little Lamb in Korean and Japanese (from an event we did in undergrad for international students) -- we all switched places (Abbie wore a Korean dress, I wore a yukata from Japan, Satomi, our Japanese friend wore an wrap from Uganda -- where Abbie grew up -- and I dressed Miri up in an overly typical American style). We walked on stage one by one and said a greeting (me: Konichiwa) sang our songs and then said thank you (Arigato). "Meri-san no hitsuji, hitsuji, hitsuji, Meri-san no hitsuji, kawa i-i-na!" The Korean song was to the Mary/Lamb melody, but actually translates into "my airplane" "Tuhtah tuhtah beehengi narara narara, nopi nopi narara, Uri Beehengi (my airplane)." Yes, after 4 years I still remember it!! : ) I don't what it is with me and singing in other languages -- I find myself singing "Bheegey hont" in the shower all the time now! haha. : ) (Sorry for that diversion...been reminiscing a lot lately).

And yesterday I finally picked up my new car!!! Will try to blog some pictures soon of it! It's a standard (manual shift), 2005 Toyota Corolla, and will hopefully last me for many, and I mean MANY years to come! I'm excited, and after a shaky drive home (hey, I didn't stall out, except when my Mom stopped short ahead of me in her van, thinking I wasn't behind her), I was happy. Today I drove my Mom in it, (she's never driven a standard and thinks I'm crazy for doing it), and to the bank we were a little shaky: (Mom): "Why is it making that noise? Why is it revving like that? What's a clutch? (holding on to the sidebar on the car door) Are you sure you know what you're doing?" Then, a very smooth drive home from the bank: (Mom) "Okay, so you like driving standard? So, you just need to get used to the clutch? So, maybe you could teach me or your sister how to drive a standard?" YES!!! Sure, I will!!!! Hahaha....so Mom's finally settled down. So, please, anyone want to go for a ride?

I'm also going to be applying for Spring admission into PhD programs at Penn State, Tufts University and University of Virginia ecology/entomology programs. I'll keep you posted on that! And, what I would love to see happen, is my application to an ecology program in Belfast to work out. I really and truly do miss England.

Cait is doing her first rotation in OB-GYN and as far as I've heard hasn't gotten to deliver a baby yet, hopefully, fingers crossed, she will. I think she might like the OB part....not sure on the GYN! She's got 4 weeks in OB and 2 weeks in GYN. I'm excited for her, and really proud too. Jared is settling into the Navy really well and as far as I know getting along nicely with his CO and XO. So, let's hope that stays, especially when they really get into the swing of things. He's studying to pass a test because he's been assigned to operations intelligence for the ship, am not sure what that entails (he was 'not at liberty to disclose that information'). But am proud of him too. The loser though, bought himself a queen size bed!!! WHAT!? Sigh, he's got it made!

Oops, not all of them got on the post, let me try again!

Chinatown!! See the pretty gate there, we all ate dim sum! (l-r) Abbie, Miri, Jasmine, Kim and me

Shooting the breeze in the metro, aka, goofing off...we were a silly bunch!

My, Miri, what nice eggs you have there! : ) hahaha

Telling stories to each other, he's such a smiler!!!

~I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride
Flew too high
And like Icharus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love
To give and die.....
Take my world apart......
Can I be the one to sacrifice?
Or rend the spear and watch the blood and water flow?
Did you really have to die for me?
For all I am and who You are
For what I see and what I believe
Oh, worlds apart....~

I am determined to put one foot infront of the other
Keeping my eyes forward, instead of looking down
Instead of looking back

Why lose hope, who lose faith?
That pain is more unbearable than any physical affliction
That pain is more searing

No, I open my life's book to a new chapter
A new plot to live out, new friends to make, choices to take
Hopefully not another heart ache!

I have a goal, and I need to reach it
I need to stop defining myself by certain things
My leg is not me, I am not it

I was proud of all I could do
I took those blessings for granted, I never thought...
That's right, I never thought.

But who is me? I am Rachael.
I attributed all my good qualities towards overcoming with my leg
But they were inside me to begin with

Just because I climbed that mountain
Wasn't the reason for my empathy, for my sensitivity
No, it was just me. Not it, not the leg.

Those seeds of character were inside me
All along, not manifested because of my leg
Me, I was, long before I was born here.

In the life conceived for me
My leg is secondary, my heart is primary
I choose what to believe, what to feel deeply

I am me
I need to know that to be free
I can't judge me by the leg I see
All I need to know is I am me

Then I won't fly too high
Then I won't collide with the world that sees the leg
Then I can rid myself of all but love; to give and die

Worlds apart
No pride in the price of sacrifice
Just simple, honest pleasure in loving the world in its weaknesses
And loving me, as He does.

Here are some pictures from my fun weekend (last week). I finally got to see some close friends after 2 years apart for most of them! It was great! The cool thing about good friends is that they're like a cup of tea: warm, refreshing, even after 10 sips!.....so it is with friends, you can pick up your tea cup, as if those 10 sips never happened, things are still warm, refreshing and uplifting. Two of them I won't see for some time again, so it was important for us all to get together, for one last time. : ) (Ofcourse, I had to make the promise that I would not get married in the next few years....HAHAHA!!!! -- I said, "Don't worry, there's nobody on my horizon right now...and I wouldn't dream of having a wedding without you in it!") Miri and I also sang our rendition of "Someday My Prince Will Come" ; ) It felt like old times....especially with Miri and I taking the night shift until 5:30am! : ) Anyways, when I rode the metro back into the city with Miri and Abbie, I went home with Miri for a few hours in Maryland. We watched the World Cup....Zidane...sigh...what were you thinking? It's like those "yah Mama" jokes in the States -- in one ear, out the other -- but headbutting? In my book, no matter what someone else says to you, physical violence is never acceptable. But enough of my thoughts on that....I also got to see Miri's new nephew!!!!!!! I'm Emo chingu now!!!!! : ) (Aunt's friend)...and he was so cute. It was great holding him and made me remember times past of holding little Oxa. Anyways, enjoy the pictures! These are girls who really mean the world to me.

Emo chingu Rachael with Emo Miri and little Joseph

*sigh*......"whew, made it!"

I survived walking both dogs at the same time. I mean, the last time Maggie, Caitlin's puppy, was here, she was only 30ish pounds or so, and easily handled at the same time as my lab, Toula. Unfortunately, puppies grow up, eh? and therefore I now have a holy terror of 50+ pounds. Let me just say, that I am the fortunate survivor of an absolutely big mistake! Never, and I repeat, never walk two big dogs at the same time, who can't keep their bloody paws off each other, and who think it's a huge game: 'Who Can Wrap Rach with the Leash the Fastest?' : ) I feel like I've torn both shoulders, and jammed all fingers, and cut off all circulation to my wrists.....It wasn't until the last third of the mile walked that they finally began to walk at my pace and together. In all fairness, individually, both dogs are pretty good on the leash.....well, Maggie is still kind of learning. But together.....they are holy terrors.

I got my workout and then some......

Anyways, I locked myself up in my parents room so I can be on the computer, but Maggie keeps ramming the door trying to get in and coming around to the bathroom door (it's all connected in their apartment) and barking loudly, non-stop. *sigh*.....I know if I let her in, the terror will begin all over again....and I will suffer the horror of being drenched in puppy slime and having my ear drums burst by puppy barks. And yet, when nighttime roles around (I sleep on a mattress on the floor), I seem to have a pillow buddy.....um....wait, let me rephrase that.....a pillow/bed HOG! And suddenly she turns very sweet and needy. I guess part of it is that she hasn't been away from Cait before and she's adjusting....well, maybe.....but I think she just lacks any and all social skills. ; ) She's learning....have to keep reminding myself that, and poor Toula too.

Alright, the barking has turned to crying.....she's a spoiled baby!!!!!
WE'VE CREATED A MONSTER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (her pic is down below on an earlier post.....WARNING: looks can be deceiving!!!!!!)

Well!!!! I finally got to meet up with some of my girlfriends from college, girls I hadn't seen in 2 years! It was great!!!! We met up at the Smithsonian and walked around the Natural History Musuem a bit....and thanks ladies for letting me see the Insect Zoo and get all excited : ) You're right Jasmine, I was hoping that little boy who kept asking me about that huge beetle would be so excited by the time I finished pointing it out to him.....and yet he just said, "oh" and went to get his dad....oh well! : ) I'm going to definitely see if they have any openings in the insect zoo to work there. : ) yeah! ; )

But it was great to see my good friends, experience the DC metro once again....so slow! Miri and Kim were there as well and Kim, Caitlin and I got stuck in a massive downpour of buckets upon buckets of rain at the metro stop running to the car. It was fun tho.....sort of reminded me of a rainy night in Oxford running around in the Linacre College garden. ; )

In two weeks we're meeting up again (without Cait, she came along for the first trip), but seeing Abbie, my roomate from college and our dear friend! It will be great to see her, as I haven't seen her in two years! We're all looking forward to it, and hopefully will have a fun weekend planned. This time we'll meet up somewhere and stay overnight so we can spend more time together. : )

Am studying hard for the GRE and am focusing on applying for late admission to schools. I've thought about it and I'd like to stay in the field of insect ecology or biological diversity. While I love all animals....I think insects are pretty cool. Preferrably not spiders.....even after studying them for so long in college, I've lost any courage built up and am once again, freaked out by spiders! : )

My right knee is doing well and I'm walking the dog a mile everday, except the last several days, as we've had nothing but heavy rain and severe thunderstorms! My left knee is now pretty sore....but I'm thinking it's a remnant of walking around the Museum in DC...and overcompensating when my right knee got tired. But, I'm running better now....just need to build up endurance...my goodness....just going up a flight of stairs at a normal pace still get's me winded sometimes.... : ) I want to get back to my old self....but it's happening.

So she's been lost in that sea of faces
That crowd of people just following the tides
They don't even know the places
In which each one resides
Just dull, drab, dreary
Just weak, worn, weary
Going thru the motions
Without showing any emotions

Did she lose her confidence -- her drive?
Does she remember how to survive?
Can she ever feel alive?

She longs to break free.....

Stop rehashing old battles
Get back up in the saddle
Don't look back again
Keep her eyes focused on Him
Live a life anew
Have a purpose in what you do
Don't despair or be depressed
That pain from the past is repressed
It's not coming to harm
So take life's arm
And move on, move up, move free
She say's, 'don't forget me'

So I climb slowly up to the stage
I hum a few notes in my head
I look out at the crowd and think
'It's not them I'm here to impress --
My singing's only meant to bless."
So I clear my throat
Get rid of that scratchy feeling
And smile secretly to myself
As those butterflies finally fly free
In that stomach of mine
And I close my eyes
Go deep inside
And open my mouth
And the music comes forth
Shaky at first,
Gradually stronger,
Until even I am overcome
By the life song I sing
Familiar harmonies come through
From my friends like you
The beat has changed
But I like it just the same
I've got a new song in my heart
And the ache of newfound joy to let loose

Here are some pictures from my brother's commissioning into the Navy!! (See how short I am compared to him!!)

Here's Cait, Jared and Me...hm...bunny ears, eh? Not very officer like, young man! : )

The family, with the former Midshipman, now an Ensign (well not quite yet at the time of pic)

Celebrations after, we had a huge dinner and my brother, sister and I all got Margaritas!! woo-hoo! ; )

Here are some pictures I've been hoping to post, some of me and Gussie, or Toula or Cait's new puppy, Maggie.

Gussie Sophia Mallis

Toula (she's 3 years old)

Maggie Mallis (Cait's puppy!)

Me and Miss Maggie (6 months old) at Cait's

Just look at those eyes!!!! This is Toulie!!!

Job search: on-going! HELP!!!!! If I could, I would love to go back to England. I kind of fell in love with the UK ; ) But for the interim, it looks like I'll have to settle for the good ol' US of A : )

There's tons of bio-tech jobs, but alot of them require knowledge of procedures I don't know, cause I focused so much on ecology/zoology. So, i'm looking at a few environmental jobs, teaching jobs (if I can), and trying to find a job with an international conservation organization.

I'm staying at my parent's place outside of DC, but let's hope I find a job/place soon for myself! I'm praying that the insurance will kick in also, so I can pay back my sister and parents for my prosthesis. The malfunctioning one ; ) But you know what, a life without bumps in the road would leave for a really boring ride.

I'm trying to run a little bit (not really running by any normal standards, I suppose) (and not very far!!), trying to get back on track. It's nice having Toula around (my dog) to run outside with and play with, but she's not too good on the leash....I'm doing my exercises regularly and I've even driven the big red van! woo-hoo....now, if only I knew where I was going! : ) The local gym (cheapest one) costs $10 a day to work out at!!!! CRAZINESS!!! So, I'm making due as I can with my knee strengthening. Tug of war with Toula, while doing squats and lunges helps a bit, LOL : )

Anyways, I've also been very bad at keeping in touch. I don't have internet access with my laptop here at my parents place, but I can use their computer, so no IM's, but now I can email again! So, hopefully in the near future (aka later today) I can churn out some emails. My wrist is bugging me (it's the one I over extended the tendons on one to many times at a kid), so I'll probably keep them short and sweet (shocking!!!) ; ) I think from the 6 months or so I was on the crutches, I just aggravated the wrist.

GUYS!!!!! BEFORE I FORGET....I finally made RAJMAH!!!!!!!!!! I couldn't find any rajmah masala, so I kind of made up my own trying to remember how it tasted and mixing spices. It actually worked! I only made enough for me, but I gave Dad a little bit. It was so good to be eating spicy foods again! Miri, I can't wait to have some of your Mom's kim chi!!!!!

Also, whatever accent or pitch in voice I might have gained in England and from my friends has been replaced by an annoying yankee Boston accent! I'll try to work on it guys.....not much help though, being in Virginia, gaining back those "y'alls" and slow drawls. : )

My brother's Navy commissioning was really neat. We have some great pictures of him in his dress whites uniform. His girlfriend is a nice girl too, I finally met her!! And get this!? Her birthday is the day before mine and Cait's....so NO EXCUSES for Jared!!! He can finally remember his sisters' birthday, and yes, little brother, typically twins have the same birthday!! : ) I think after a few years, I'll let all the birthday stuff go, but for now, it's a fun family joke. ; )

Here I am in Chocolate Country.....aka Hershey, PA, USA. I'm staying with Caitlin for a few more days, and then it's off to Jared's graduation and Navy commissioning. I'm excited for him, I think the Navy will be good for him. It's been fun, but if you can believe it, the only chocolate i've had here is not Hershey's, but Cadbury's!!!!! :) What can I say, nothing tops it. :)

After Jared's grad this weekend, I will be back outside DC at my parent's house job hunting in the city. I need to get a job or find a research position. So I'm completely focused on it, as I'm finally done with Physio....yes!!! And I know I'll be at my parents, and have a place to stay for the next few months while I get my life back in order. Boston, unfortunately just didn't work out for me. Have exercises to continue at home, and I even drove Maggie to the vets with Cait, so am driving a bit. Admittedly, very slow and a bit jerky, but hey, it's been a long time and the last time i drove was in England, on the opposite side of the road, opposite side of the car!

This new prosthesis i have is crap.....sadly, this is the worst experience i've ever had getting a new prosthesis. It certainly doesn't help when the guy has never worked with the type of foot before, sees the leg as something to keep hidden, not an extension of my own body, and does a third-rate job on it. The skin is already peeling off and today I bought a pair of sandals with a small heel and went to adjust the ankle, like I could with the old leg, and broke the bloody thing internally....the 'soft lining' tore around the whole front of the ankle under the fake skin and now I've got a huge indent in the ankle. To be honest, i feel like, 'the heck with it,' and will hope to find a job that provides a good health plan where I can get the kind of leg I should have gotten, especially for the cost of it. $5700, plus all the other recycled parts worth about $1000 from my old leg.....sigh....

You see, the leg I had when I dislocated my knee was my best one yet, with the fake skin, adjustable ankle, silicone bladder.....it fit so well and was fit into a mold of my good left leg. This prosthetist just took a light tracing of my leg on brown paper and that was it. This leg is so skinny and the ankle, apparantly was not stable. I couldn't believe it. I mean I guess it is kind of funny, I'm sitting there and then all of the sudden you hear this loud horrible pop/tear sound and I see this huge hole under the fake skin!!!! yikes....

But I guess I can learn to just be less self conscious....I mean it's been a long time since I felt ashamed almost about my leg. This one makes it so obvious that it's not real.

I think I know what I could have had and that's why I'm writing so cynically and bitterly about it.

So now it's on to a job or more studying. I'm looking forward to jumping back into the 'real world,' and want to get on with my life. Leg or no leg, I know I have overcome alot and can still overcome. I don't have to be hindered by my leg....i'm just a little worried that the bloody thing is going to fall apart on me!!! ; )

I'm lonely for my friends and spending time with them. I feel as though my parents are disappointed in me somehow, and they are calling all my relatives, including Cait, to get on my case about jobs, but I've been sending out my resume. It takes some time....it's not like jobs get back to you within the hour that you send in your application! Anyways, I just want to be back out on my own, independent, all debts paid, happy, around friends.....feeling better about myself....not self conscious, down, sarcastic, cynical.

So let's see what happens........

Today at Physio, I had some awesome progress!!!! I'm so psyched about it! Last week, I failed almost all the balance tests, when i had to balance on my prosthesis leg. And I could barely do 10 squats (that was Tues), so on Wednes, saw the prosthetist and finally got the height and dorsi-flexion/angle of my ankle fixed! (FINALLY!!! -- this is on the second leg he's had to make, the first one was way off). So, all week long, I've been pushing myself. I weaned myself off my one crutch, and try to walk about a mile each day. I really want to build up my endurance again. I've been doing stairs more often, but still have trouble on the ones here at my Uncle's house. They're a little too high and steep for me. So, anyways, been trying to help with cleaning around the house too. I played catch and tried basketball last week too. I'm doing all my indoor exercises and stretching out my leg everyday too! SO, today was the big day. In physio, I....(drum roll)....passed all my balance exercises!!!! YEAH! I did squats on the Total Gym they have there. I did 'sidewalking' with a tension band. And.....(Big cymbal bang here, folks!).....I went on the dreaded Treadmill!!!! And (gasp of disbelief), I didn't fly off!!! I walked for a bit, and then she wanted me to leg go of the bar, which was really hard at first, but I got better as we went along. It was really exciting. She was so happy with my progress, and now, I'm really working hard on getting my aunts and uncles to let me try to drive a car!!!

Alright, will write more later. (Am planning to email all of my friends today/tomorrow). I'm off to help with dinner and cleaning the house!