Here's Hope!!! :)

I remember standing on a beach once, around 6 years ago. It was close to sun rise and I had been sitting in the sand watching the waves crash as the tide went out. I hadn't bothered this time to look for shells or colored glass...I just was....breathing deeply...letting the wind sweep through my hair. I had been burdened by a hurt heart...a crushed dream....fears for the future....

But as that wind blew, gently yet strong....I knew what I could do....

So I picked up a handful of sand and as I turned to the low lying red sun as orange flames crept over the water...I let the sand trickle out and blow into the ocean....get washed away....

If only I had let Him release my self placed inadequate bandaids before...I lifted my hand up towards heaven...and with hope, faith, resolve, said...."Have at it, Lord!"...let your cleansing water, soothing wind, tender voice...clean and heal the oozing wounds in my heart. And you know something...as the sun changed from red to fiery orange, to a bright and happy yellow...I felt so light.

Free...

His plans are not to harm you, but to give you hope and a future....His best for me is just beginning....He reminded me of that memory today and how light, free and hopeful I had felt.

Um...yeah, it's been FOREVER since I last wrote -- Holy Crap!!!

Wow, it would take too long right now (at the cusp of my lunch break) to write everything, so I'll write this:

COMING SOON -- UPDATE!!! : ) and yeah, God's done amazing things in my life this last year and I'm forever changed and blessed by them!

Does anyone even read this anymore?

Some food for thought, until I write on my life:

You chose the cross with every breath
The perfect life, the perfect death,
You chose the cross

A crown of thorns You wore for us
And crowned us with eternal life,
You chose the cross

And though Your soul was overwhelmed with pain
Obedient to death You overcame

I'm lost in wonder, I'm lost in love
I'm lost in praise for evermore
Because of Jesus' unfailing love
I am forgiven, I am restored

You loosed the chords of sinfulness
And broke the chains of my disgrace,
You chose the cross

Up from the grace victorious
You rose again so glorious,
You chose the cross

The sorrow that surrounded You was mine
"Yet not my will but Yours be done" You cried.

I'm lost in wonder, I'm lost in love
I'm lost in praise for evermore
Because of Jesus' unfailing love
I am forgiven, I am restored

And though Your soul was overwhelmed with pain
Obedient to death You overcame
The sorrow that surrounded You was mine
"Yet not my will but Yours be done" You cried.

I haven't blogged in a little while, but last week was busy and I was knackered! First: Monday was my birthday! I turned 25 -- a quarter of a century...I am now officially old. I understand how my friends feel -- 25 is a milestone in itself and when a good chunk of your friends are engaged/married/parents...yikes...you begin to feel like the old spinster from the small town you grew up in. : ) But, I still have some hope! ; )

Anyways, Tuesday was spent reading papers, and trying to get all of my field/lab equipment rounded up. Wednesday we went out to Natural Bridge again and hiked out to some hemlock plots in the National Park and it was a decent hike (lots of stone steps...but not too far a distance). So, that was alright. Thursday was again spent reading lots of papers, running miscellaneous errands on campus to the main agricultural building and breathing a huge sigh of relief because my beat-sheets finally came in! Friday we were back out at Natural Bridge and the first hemlock stand we went to was very damp, humid and with tons and I mean TONS of poision ivy. Thankfully, no one got any! (very surprising, considering it was unavoidable)...I'm just waiting for the day (preferably after I get my student health insurance card!!). The second stand we went to, was at least a 20-30 minute hike up a very, and i mean VERY STEEP incline....oh my gosh. I was huffing and puffing away and was at least 200 meters behind everyone else. Okay, i'll admit, it might have been more like 300 meters....But hey, I finally arrived and got to work. Needless to say, remained yucky and sticky all day long.

DISCLAIMER: Weak or faint of heart skip to the next paragraph. Those who are ready to be grossed out or just weirded out, read on!

I am worried that I have a tick imbedded in my head. See, on Thursday I felt this itchy little bump on my scalp and it was hard. So I thought it was a tick, but when I looked in the mirror, the only thing I see is an angry red bump and it is oozing a little (I know this is gross, but sorry, have to write about it...have no other outlet!). So, after having a large tick in me my first time out in the wood, I was nervous assuming this must be one that imbedded itself under my skin. So I took out tweezers and tried to 'pull' something out. Ended up taking out a bunch of hair and bleeding a bit. So, I just let it go. It sometimes itches, but I wondered if maybe I had scratched myself on a stick, because part of my job on Wednesday out at the woods was to do a small woody plant census and I had to crawl through a thick and tangled rhododendron patch. We'll see: I'll keep you posted. For now, the bump is little and hard and not getting any bigger and there's a scab. So let's wait and see. Maybe it is a cut and I'm just paranoid about ticks.....

Okay...So, what's up with loud and inconsiderate neighbours!? Last weekend, a large hispanic family moved into the apartment next to mine and for Sunday and Monday nights had loud get togethers outside on their patio (which means I heard every word, etc. and it was so distracting because I could understand a big portion of the conversation) until 2 - 2:30am both nights. I was kind of mad, but since I'm new, I didn't want to complain or anything. So I let it go. Well, for the rest of the week, the apartment was empty and no sounds were heard. (Back track: my first week in my apartment, the one next door was empty and then on the weekend I heard a woman's voice and someone doing dishes). So, I haven't noticed anyone going in or out of the apartment and assumed the family broke their lease. Okay, jump to last night: I was at this singles group at the new church I'm going to and we ended up going to IHOP (the International House of Pancakes -- awesome, incredible breakfast foods, one of my favorite places when i was little living in New England). So I didn't get home until 1am. I did a few dishes and went to bed. At 1:30 AM I hear someone trying to open the latch on the gate to my patio and I freaked out a little. So I put my leg on, ran downstairs with one of my crutches in hand to make sure that my patio door was locked tight. Then I noticed that a large group of kids (i guess kids is relative, definitely younger than me) entering the apartment next door through the patio door and all the lights suddenly coming on downstairs and outside to the patio. The next thing I know I hear low music and I think, alright, well, I can deal with that. So I go to bed again. 1:45AM comes around and suddenly the music is way loud and the bass is wicked high and my floors/walls are vibrating. Seriously, vibrating. I don't have a bed, so my air mattress is vibrating with the floor. I can't sleep. I go downstairs again and hear loud voices, sounds of drunk singing to the music and loud music. So I go upstairs and put my headphones on and try to sleep again. No such luck, the music overpowers my head phones and the bass just makes my headphones vibrate. I was pissed. So I look up the office number, because I remembered while signing my lease that they had made clear certain time limits for loud parties. (I think 1am on weekends). I also remembered they said the police do not handle noise disturbances, so I call the office phone and ofcourse get the machine. I press the number for reporting noise disturbances, and it is now 2:45am. I leave a slightly loopy message (being wicked tired and mad). The machine says that someone will handle it ASAP. (Whatever that means, it's so relative a term!). So nothing happens, the music gets even louder and I get even madder. At this point it's too late to fall asleep and I can't over the music and so I sit in the floor and play Sudoku for a while. At 3:30am I call the courtesy officer again and leave a message explaining exactly how the noise is bothering me and that the people had mistakenly tried to enter my residence through the back and that I wasn't sure if they were even supposed to be there. (Again it's all a message on a machine.) Finally 4 am rolls around and the music gets turned down a bit and I hear the older person (I say older, meaning like my age to early 30's supervising the kiddies) goes to bed, slamming the doors, etc. By 4:30 am I hear a car pull up and then I hear kids going out the back and car doors slamming and driving off. So, I assume the courtesy officer showed up. I mean this is just common courtesy people: If it had been like a party from 10-12 or even 1am that would have been fine, understandable as it was a Saturday night. But to start the party at 1:30am and have it go on til 4am and beyond is just irresponsible and annoying. So at 3:30am I had also called and left a voice mail to the manager's office with a complaint. I don't mean to be a complainer, but it was ridiculous and because I live alone and do not see or know my neighbours I was very uncomfortable going over there and knocking on the door at 3 am to ask them to turn it down. Anyways, we'll see how the next few nights go, but I will make a point of touching base with the manager. It seems like someone is living there now, as there's a dog out on the patio and a babygate, but I just don't know what's up. I'm just tired and mad.

Anyways, tomorrow I go through some spiders/bugs I caught and will classify them to species if possible. I'm off to the grocery store, as I have no food! I got my first paycheck deposited into my account and for two weeks of work it was $311.70 -- almost twice that was myt gross income, but that was the net after taxes and social security were deducted. So, my budget just downsized dramatically!! I'm paid every two weeks. And those two paychecks combined aren't enough to cover my rent/utilities for a month! yikes!

Well, enough of my complaining...usually not like this: lack of sleep! I'm excitied about the new people I'm meeting and looking forward to making new friends. We'll see what happens! : ) Missing all my old friends too!

Ms. Brightside: girl, thanks so much for your posts. I am missing you a lot. I just read your email today and I think you're right: we're getting older (and that explains a lot). The PhD will take 4 years. I'll be thinking of you and what you do post Sol's, but remember: as long as your intentions are right and your actions are for the good of the people you are trying to help, then you are making a difference. Even when the field you are in is rife with corruption and cynacism. Man, Jul, I miss being able to stick my head outside my window and look up and carry on a conversation with you! Lots of memories and you're also right, I miss the place, Oxford, too -- mostly because of the people there! Kentucky is close to the middle-east of the country and sort of in between the south and the mid-West. It's below Chicago. If you do come Stateside, I'd love to host you!!! Then, I think we should go out to California and visit Saranya there and drive through Napa Valley and do some wine tasting! I had some Stella the other day and thought of you!! : ) Julia, please do take care and keep me posted on your plans. If you need anything or need me to read over any applications or essays, let me know. I'm here for whatever I can do or give you! : ) I remember us cooking dinner together so often while you were writing up! : ) Well, here's a hug for you: >--0--< (Okay, that might not have worked!) But am giving you a hug right now : ) Caitlin asks after you all the time and says hello! She's so busy in med school now, but I'm really proud of her.

I'm going to leave Panera's...I haven't been all week long and I think they might have thought something was wrong, because they were like, "You're back!!" etc. See, before this week I was in here almost every night. With work and church activities, my week is really full (which is a good thing) and I'm just too tired to come to Panera's to use the internet. They can pretty much guess what I'll get when I come in....so I realize that I might be developing an addiction to Panera's Mocha Almond drink and the cookies...my goodness those wonderful, glorious, moist, lovely, flavourful cookies!!!! Okay, Rach, enough, girl you are going to gain back your chocolate paunch and then some if you don't start rationing sweeties! : ) (I tend to talk to myself now too in my apartment, since I don't have a roomate and there are no dogs around to hang out with!!). (Caitlin says that's a sign of insanity....that remains to be seen: stay tuned!) : )

Missing everyone a lot and extending a future invitation to come and stay with me in Lexington -- i promise that eventually I will get furniture, including a real table, real chairs and a real bed maybe. : )

I'm back at Panera's! : ) It's like my new home...they know me now. It's kind of scary....they know exactly what I"ll want, although today I threw them for a loop and got this iced mocha almond drink...pretty good! : )

Anyways, today went well. Both meetings were good and I got to sound off some ideas. I think for now, a good compromise has been reached on all fronts....diplomatic me! But I will be doing even more sampling: beat sheets and shaking the tree, pitfall traps in the ground. I'll be collecting all predators, but starting to key out (taxonomy) the spiders first. I'll plan to publish (I have to have something in press by the end of the summer) the spider stuff and work on other predators. Since I'm catching insects from on/in the tree and those dwelling on the ground, I've got some long days, more like long long nights in front of the microscope and using microdissection tools to identify all these insects to species. The crazy thing is, I kind of like doing that stuff -- it's neat, and the bugs become much less scarier when you can see them up close and notice cool things about them or realize just how detailed in structure and function they are and appreciate the complexity that went into their creation. Plus, they are dead when I handle them ; )

So, tomorrow I'm going to a church service and their 20/30's single group afterwards. It should be fun, I went to a thing there on Wed and loved it. Everyone was friendly, the music was very contemporary and it kind of felt very similar to the church in Oxford I went to, which was great. I figure I need to meet people and put myself out there and get active. That's just what I've learned from striking out on my own so often the last several years of my life. Cait's hoping I'll meet my future hubby and hers while I'm in Lexington (hahaha!). Anyways, this is where Melanie goes and another girl from the department, Anna. On Monday I'm going to a 1 year birthday party for my lab mate's son. So that should be fun and there'll be lots of little babies around : )

On a note of babies, I'm loving this time of year! There're tons of fledging birds everywhere and they all seem to like coming on my patio. I've seen robins, blackbird, and there's a trio of pigeon chicks who use my patio to get fed by their parents. It's kind of cool. I really am a nature freak!

The apartment is still so very empty....so tomorrow I'm going to Goodwill and the Salvation Army to try to russle up some furniture. I'm going to be buying a futon from Melanie, so hopefully by the end of the summer, I'll be amenable to guests! It's such a part of my nature to have people over and cook for them or host events....and it's killing me that I can't. Seriously, "welcome to my apartment, don't mind the echo and watch your step I don't have lamps in that part of the apartment; oh and please find a comfortable corner on the floor and make yourselves at home....there's only one cushion, so fight amongst yourselves for it....oh, sorry there's no tv, no stereo...there's well, there's some science textbooks and my childhood random knickknacks you can go through....yep, that's pretty much it." Very warm and friendly ; ) So, that's my next game plan, while in the throughs of major fieldwork that will require me overnighting at several of the sites. I don't think I'll be camping out completely; I'm pretty sure there's a cabin at most of the sites that I can use, and my supervisor has said I won't go out to the field alone. (Which is good, some of those sites are literally along a steep hill on the side of a mountain...)

But I'm looking forward to this new chapter in my life....it should be a good one. Still feeling a bit lonely, but I think I'll be plugged into a good group of friends, and I've met more people from the department who are all friendly, so that's good. In fact, this weekend, I'm taking care of Anna's cat. Her name is Izzy and she's very cute and talkative! Anna lives in the next complex over, so I'll just walk over and feed Izzy/probably make use of Anna's tv and internet! : )

I sure do miss having a dog around though.....went on a pet adoption website today. But I can't get a pet and not have any furniture, so first thing's first.

So, here I am in Lexington, Kentucky. I'm sitting at a Panera's using the internet until, well, until they kick me out. No one around me in my apartment complex has a wireless account I can piggyback off of. It's been too long since I blogged and I'm sure S's comments sections are like books now because of my contributions. So, it's time I wrote on my own blog again ; )

So, let's recap (I don't know if anyone still reads this thing anyways):
Tuesday (15 May) I drove 9+ hours from the DC area to Kentucky and arrived at the rental office just in time to sign the lease and pick up the keys. But wait...something was amiss. The unit I was assigned, was not cleaned (ever -- they claim otherwise, but you had to have seen it). There was an old used plunger in the bathroom, green gunk all over the tube, secondly the walls had never been painted over, there were huge red stains in the carpets and they definitely were never vacuummed. The fridge hadn't been replaced as she had told me, the kitchen floor was covered in dirt and mud. And, yes, it gets even better guys. In a twist of fate, whose irony was not lost on me: There were spiders everywhere. Cobwebs, and live egg sacs everywhere, from the ceilings and walls in the bedroom, to the rugs/walls/ceilings of the main room. It was horrible. So I ran the block down the hill to try to catch someone at the office to say, there was no way I was moving in there. Thankfully, the woman who had handled most of my application was still there and at first insisted she had walked through the apartment and that it was clean and had been cleaned. I told her she must not have, because it was worse than a camping cabin out in the woods, and that there's no way it was cleaned any time soon. So we went back and forth, with me just dog tired, and almost to the point of tears, but not giving in an inch. Finally she offered to put me up in the hotel for a night, while the cleaners did a once over. I told her it needed more than a once over, it was never cleaned. She finally caught on that I was not going to budge on the matter. So after me trying to call my supervisor, the only person I knew in town and not getting through and just about to lose it, she said she did have a unit available. (In the beginning I had signed a lease for a non-updated apartment because the rent was cheaper). Well the unit I was put in had been vacated/cleaned the week before and was a partial upgrade. It was closer to the office and in a better location in terms of the neighborhood. And it was clean, my goodness was it clean. The walls had been painted and the carpet was fairly new. It made all the difference, and NO SPIDERS! So, we did a through walk through, and she offered me the unit at the original rent price per month. So I agreed. The next day we redid the lease and the rest is history as they say.

Did I mention I have no furniture? On a student budget, right now, i can't allow room for that. So I have an air bed and a folding card table/chairs. In a 2BR townhome. The second bedroom is very tiny, so I know there's no way I'll find a roomate, and as my sister pointed out, I can very well ask someone to move in when I don't have any furniture. But if you do come to visit, my bathroom is awesome (all decorated in a sea theme). There's a tiny closet bath downstairs with a sink and toilet that I've decorated in an African theme. The kitchen is good to go. So I've got the basics, except no furniture and nothing up on my walls yet. Sigh....in time.

So speed up to now (Thursday 24 May). I've been officially working since Monday. Tuesday and today I went out with Melanie (she's the lab tech and really awesome, she's been so friendly and introducing me to a lot of new friends) to various field sites where I'll be sampling. One is Natural Bridge Forest and we hiked to the top of the mountain (um..here's a good point to mention: I am way outta shape!!) and were able to clime to the top of the bridge and look out on the forest valley below. Incredible! The bridge was perfect too, an arch, reminding me of the Bridge at Hertford College in Oxford (just a lot bigger!). The second place today is a research station out in a Forest in the Western part of the state. It was almost a 3 hour drive, and was nice, not too much uphill climing like Natural Bridge. We were planting some saplings out there, but let me tell you, there is tons of poison ivy out there. Hoping I didn't get any -- I've never had a reaction before and I've contacted it many times, but they say the more you do the greater your chance of getting a bad reaction all of a sudden. So let's see. I came home with a friendly reminder that I need to be more mindful when working in the woods: (Girls and those who are weak of heart, skip to the next paragraph). I had a good sized tick stuck in me at the base of my neck on my left shoulder...I didn't notice it until I got home and was getting ready to hop in the shower. Needless to say I freaked out (since I"m alone, I can freak out for a bug -- i mean I know I'm studying them for a living, but I"m still a girl at heart!). And dumped out my makeup bag desperately looking for tweezers! I had no matches....So I pulled once and it didn't come out, but boy my skin can stretch more than I knew. After yelling, rather loudly, several choice words, I closed my eyes and yanked as hard as I could while twisting and managed to dislodge it. Thankfully it hadn't really started to feed, so it wasn't in too deep. But scary, it was a big dog tick (I think it was a dog tick, or else a wood tick). As long as it's not a deer tick, you are okay....but it's still gross, you know!?

So that was my exciting thing for the day! I met the knew PhD student in our lab too and he seems nice. He's working with hemlock trees to, but a different area. I have a feeling we'll be going out to the field together though and I'll be piggybacking off his plots. Tomorrow I meet with both my supervisor and the post-doc who'll be supervising the monoclonal antibody ELISA assay. (Ask S for an explanation on that -- still sketchy on it myself). But he's studied spiders for most of his academic career so he's pushing for a full spider study, while my supervisor wants me to look at all insect orders that may be predators of the hemlock adelgid pest. So, tomorrow's a big day. I have a protocol proposal written up, but will have to alter it to suit everyone's ideas for my summer work and make it my own.

Well, Panera's is closing in a few minutes, so I better wrap this up. I'll blog tomorrow. It feels good to be writing stuff down again!

Happy New Year!! I know it's quite late, but it is a new year for me and I'm finally catching up with my life. I accepted a position at the University of Kentucky for a PhD in Entomology! I am gonna be a Bug lady for the rest of my life, woo-hoo! ; )

This year I am resolving to getting back into touch with my friends, not get discouraged over little things, work and study hard, and just simply enjoy life.

Julia -- I am writing back to your email!! Saranya -- what is your address? It's been so tempting not to munch on your Hershey's chocolate! : ) Shreya -- I miss you! Marri -- thanks for checking in with me. Jasmine -- don't freeze in Canada!! Kim -- let's get together again soon. Miri -- thanks for letting me stay with you and 'mother' you in my own sort of way : ) Cait -- i miss my twin sis!

I'm in Virginia now visiting friends and family and researching housing in Lexington, KY. I should start in mid-May collecting spiders et al....I'll be living in horse country (yipee!!) and hopefully enjoy life in Lexington. I'd love any and all visitors!

My update: Hm...let's see. Still seemingly forever and wicked single...looking forward to my PhD and starting that new chapter in my life...no drastic changes to report: new hairstyle, and ever present chocolate paunch and that's it!

My wishlist for the year: 1. New leg : ) 2. Meet someone special 3. See long lost friends again (aka, Oxford buddies) 4. Meet the Irish Rugby team 5. Go somewhere I've never been before 6. Learn to like seafood (yes, Miri...I will try) 7. Read more books 8. See my brother's Navy ship 9. Find another American who enjoys cricket 10. Lose my severe chocolate addiction gained from living within smelling distance of the chocolate factory, where chocolates were never few and far between : )

I hope to write more meaningful and not mundane posts from now on. And keep writing my poetry, since this is my 'song.'

Wow, it's been a long time since I last blogged...but lots of exciting things have happened! Hm...let's see....so after I took my exam at Miri's...which, let's just say was wicked hard, and I didn't answer all of the questions (so we'll see)...I got a call from Cait. I came back to Hershey early and I drove us up to Boston (long drive...and Cait can't drive my car yet). We were there for 5 days, and it was such a nice visit. I got to see al of my Aunt's and Uncle's and my younger cousins, who are all a lot taller than when I left Boston in May! I also got to spend a day with my Nana, which was good for me. She is a Bingo champion! : ) I was driving non-stop, back and forth between Hershey and Manassas, Va for a few times to pick up or watch Toula. But in the midst of that, I visited Penn State for an informal interview of sorts.

It went really well!!! I met with a few professors from the Entomology department and they were very keen to have me apply and even said I'd be very likely to get a full fellowship!! (that means tuition, research costs, living stipend, full medical insurance, etc!). So I've changed my mind from applying to the Ecology intercollegiate program because of finances. I also found out that I can minor in Ecology as I do an Ento PhD, so I'm confident I'll go that route. I'm really excited. I'll hear definitely about it in January. Meanwhile, it's a job hunt here. I'm looking at possible jobs in Lexington, VA near Miri or else jobs still in Hershey. Things seemed to have settled down here in Cait's apartment...or atleast, things were taken care of while I was in and out during November. I'm not sure...but so far, her roomate's been nothing but super nice to me. Anyways, i'm not as naive as I used to be, so am not reading too much into it. ; )

So, when I was at PSU, I stayed with Liz, my brother's girlfriend. Which was really nice. I got to chat with her, and even brought pics of Jared when he was little, had huge blond curls...a few naked in the bath pics, haha...and we got along really well. She was so helpful too, in getting me where I needed to go. It's a big campus, and I wouldn't have done it without her. : )

So, now, I'm in Hershey, finishing up application stuff and being a sort of house keeper for the apartment. I'm looking forward to seeing Jared at Christmas, even tho it is just for the day. I'm also glad and excited for Cait, who's taking a trip at Christmas with her friend Michelle (from med school) and two of Michelle's friends, to Ireland over Christmas and then Paris for New Year's!!! I know she'll love it!

I thought I might get up to Boston again during the holidays, but the flights are almost all booked up. So, i'll probably stay at my parents'. Jared flies out to meet Liz in Florida for the holidays. Mom said she misses my cooking and wants me to try out some new cookie/cake/pudding/pie recipes : ) Yippee! You know me, I'm always game to try anything when it comes to food! ; )

I do miss my friends from Oxford though. I find them on my mind more than once a day. Sigh...well, when I get a job, or else start grad school and have some source of income, then I hope to meet up with them, whereever they might be. I miss the familiarity and openness I had, especially with the Abraham crowd. You guys put up with me, no questions asked...I felt the most like myself there. Anyways, I think because it's the holidays and family and friends are the most important things to me, I'm very nostalgic and lonely in a way these days.

I miss my other friends from college too, we're all so scattered now! Abbie, in Asia; Jasmine in Canada; Kim, now in VA, and Miri...well, Miri's still in Lexington ; ) and me...well, now, I don't know exactly where to say I am. : )

Well, here's a lovely Christmas carol, made famous in the movie, 'Meet Me in St. Louis,' sung by Judy Garland:

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,our troubles will be out of sight

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Make the Yule-tide gay,
From now on, our troubles will be miles away.

Here we are as in olden days,
Happy golden days of yore.
Faithful friends who are dear to us
Gather near to us once more.

Through the years
We all will be together,
If the Fates allow
Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

I was telling Miri the other day that I feel like Mary and Joseph finding no room at the Inn...despite all of my own efforts, I haven't been able to find a reasonable job to suppport myself until i return to grad school. I'm living with my sister temporarilty and it seems like melodrama follows me everywhere, preventing me from settling down. So, long story very short, i can't stay with Caitlin much longer due to roomate issues. (Basically I've become the scapegoat for apartment issues/boyfriend problems that were there long before I arrived, but conveniently came to a head while I was there). I want to tell Miri that it's such a blessing in the storm to come and stay with her. No strings attached, no discomfort around strangers (her friends are pretty cool), and that's not to say Cait's friends aren't very nice either. I've gotten to know Michelle pretty well, and she was a good study buddy, explained genetics to me (which started out so badly, when she told me to point to the square representing the male in the pedigree and i point to the circle representing the female....seriously, I did just that...sometimes I'm hopeless!) ; ) And Michelle lets me come over and watch tv with her! And Cait's other roomate Jess seems very nice.

But it is true, I need to get settled on my own. I was always independent/self - sufficient before i broke my leg in Oxford...and now i've been relying on others to take me in until I find something. I've come to realize that no matter how many job applications or grad school applications I send out, unless I'm seeking God's will in that, unless I'm following where He's leading and not where stubborn Rach wants to go or thinks she should, then things will fall into place. Before I lost control of my leg, I was totally trusting in God's will for my life, and content to let Him lead...then when disaster struck me at my most vulnerable part, both physically and emotionally, i just holed up inside...i felt disabled both figuratively and literally. It's taken some time to release these things to God and place my trust more fully in Him than before. He didn't break my leg, and in the midst of that darkness, He is still glorified...who am I to stop Him from using me for His purposes? In Him I am fully capable, why fear? In Him I can do all things....I might be slower now, I might be more timid, but His strength is the strength of my life. I know He'll put me where I'm supposed to be and with the people I'm supposed to be with.

Miri: (see pink font for you!) Thanks, for seeing the big pictures in my life, for not allowing me to wallow in self distress, for having compassion and loving me despite my many and frequent weaknesses. For edifying words, and gentle admonishments...God's really used you. I want you to be bold, walking in faith that God's going to use you and your law degree to serve others, not just as a typical lawyer, but as Isaiah says, bringing light to those in captivity and breaking free the prisoners in darkness. He's got big plans, and maybe now is the time to walk in faith, without seeing the end goal, but knowing you are straining towards it. Don't be discouraged when work gets hard at school, God honors your efforts. I'm excited for your future, and for what God's going to accomplish in and through you. So, do not be discouarged, do not fear, the Lord is with you and will go whever you may go. Never alone -- a powerful covenant to hold fast to. So even though I might not be around all the time, remember you're never alone, and I'm always praying for you.

I'm in Lexington now, studying like mad for the Advanced Bio GRE. Miri has an exam too on Saturday, the MPRE (I think professional responsibility exam). So we're both keeping each other going! It's so nice to be back in a familiar place with a friend who's like a sister. We're kind of like little old ladies, it's pretty funny.

I got to briefly see many of my old biology professors this time, and will visit more thoroughly next week (after the exam!). Miri's friend are all nice again.

It was also really neat. When I arrived on Sunday, I went with Miri to the worship practice for GCF (the christian fellowship that I used to be worship leader for, for 3 years). She plays flute again (we were together on the team for those 3 years). And so I went to the practice, and they invited me to sing with them. It was nice, to sing some of our songs we always sang and learn a new one. And they still have my 'Big Box of Worship' ; ) Miri told me she keeps claiming ownership to it! haha. GCF is so small now, but it's made up of a good crew. I like the new Intervarsity staff worker. It did feel weird not recognizing many faces.....felt so nostalgic for old times again.

Anyways, I better get back to studying.......Must do well on this test!!

Oh! And ofcourse, bought stuff to make my 'world famous' mint chocolate brownies.....just need to find the time to bake them! ; ) (I think Miri's counting on that!)

Been reading more C.S. Lewis poetry and the poem below is one of the one's I've really come to love. It's kind of funny, seems like every time I come down to Lexington to visit Miri, I'm reading C.S. Lewis. Last time in August, it was his Trilogy.

NO BEAUTY WE COULD DESIRE

Yes, you are always everywhere. But I,
Hunting in such immeasurable forests,
Could never bring the noble Hart to bay.

The scent was too perplexing for my hounds;
Nowhere sometimes, then again everywhere.
Other scents, too, seemed to them almost the same.

Therefore I turn my back on the unapproachable
Stars and horizons and all musical sounds,
Poetry itself, and the winding stair of thought.

Leaving the forests where you are pursued in vain
-- Often a mere white gleam -- I turn instead
To the appointed place where you pursue.

Not in Nature, not even in Man, but in one
Particular Man, with a date, so tall, weighing
So much, talking Aramaic, having learned a trade;

Not in all food, not in all bread and wine
(Not, I mean, as my littleness requires)
But this wine, this bread. . . no beauty we could desire.

(C.S. Lewis)

Loser me!!!!! I forgot to write about my 'niece'!!!!!

Maggie is doing a bit better. I ended up having to take her into the Veterinary Hospital in Philly to see a renal specialist. It turns out Maggie has a severe UTI. And guess what that infection is? E.coli!!!! and the penicillin resistant strain....sigh.

So, the girl of the hour is stuck taking this huge fluroquinolone (is that right?) pills and pepsid for her belly. We've been starting to shift her back to puppy chow from that gross, smelly, foul, bad breath causing, fiber rich, anythign else poor, W/D diet canned food from the vet's. YUCK!!! But Ms. Mags loves it!!!

So this Saturday, after 10 days on the antibiotic, Maggie will have a 'cystocentesis' done, where they take a sterile urine sample directly from the bladder with a needle, and culture it out to make sure the e.coli is not resistant to the antibiotic she's currently on now. They'll also check her urine specific gravity...which hopefully will be greater than 1 (last time it was 1.0008, which is too watery). So, the poor dear, we have to not allow her to go to the bathroom, and grab her, run to the car, speed to the vets for an 8am appointment so they can get a full bladder sample.

Further updates, and what will most likely be a hilarious recap of the morning, will soon follow! : )

So, i'm sitting here, taking a study break and listening to Cait's roomate discussing her sort of boyfriend (very looooonnnggg complicated story). I'm not too sure what I think....am trying to be polite. She insists she's found a soul mate, and here I am waiting patiently. I don't have to cut down other girls to make myself feel better, and it's hard to listen to some of our conversations. I actually tune her out by daydreaming about being back in Oxford or down in Virginia with my close friends, where conversations were mostly enlifting, encouraging and not bitter, paranoid, obssessive, anxious or full of drama. AAaahhh...bliss....Virginia sun, Woods Creek trail....our tree....the park next to Linacre, rainy days in Oxford....cricket!

I'm waiting for a chance to tell her I'm uncomfortable when she talks about my sister or compares the two of us. I don't want to hear about past arguments concerning Maggie, apartment finances, etc. It's too hard...i mean, this is my twin here.... ; ) We both can cut each other down (me and Cait), but no one better mess with the other. : )

Well, that part above is from 16 Oct....today is 19 Oct...and I'll finish this post.....

I'm doing alright, i finished my way through a big study book for the Advanced Bio GRE and the test is 4 Nov, and I'm going down to Virginia to take it, and will stay with my best friend. It should be a fun time, and good to see her again. I promised to bake brownies! : ) The things with Cait's roomate are still awkward, but I'm hoping I'll get a chance to set things straight, and get a word in edgewise.

I made a low-fat (who would've thought....) cake with Cait's friend Michelle today. We made a carrot cake, with carrots, whole wheat flour, pineapple, applesauce, and the bane of my existence: splenda (YUCK!!!!)....but it actually came out incredibly moist and fruity. The frosting however, was a disaster and is just this cream cheese sticky glaze.....but hey...it's edible, so i'm not complaining too much : ) Next time though, no trimmed down desserts for me....sugar, fat, cream, oil, butter all the way!!!!!! : ) I've been studying in a little coffee shoppe with Michelle and it's been so helpful (first to get out of Cait's apartment, and second Michelle knows genetics!). So, over chai tea I've studied, embryology, development, ecology, evolution, physiology, etc.

I need to have patience for the long term....right now I don't see the big picture.....I just see myself, living with my sis, trying to get back into school, looking for jobs...SINGLE!! (put that in caps for my Dad, who thinks I will never get married...) hahaha....well, I have faith, that there's someone special out there for me....and I am learning to be patient....because when the time comes, it will be worth all the heart ache and waiting. But I need patience to trust that my future will happen the way it is supposed to....before I could see what was ahead in a way: college for 4 years, Oxford...etc. Now, it's all unknown.....and while it's exciting to think about 'the great adventure', i find myself scared to take my first blind steps....but forge ahead I must.

Chocolate.....smile.....that's the ticket.....

Sorry, under the influence of the chocolate factory...the Reese's is just across the road, and the Hershey's is less than 5 min's away.....sweeettttt! but also, deadly!!!! I have over consumed chocolate...is that possible? I used to think not....but now...i believe. : )

I am lonesome for my friends, but I trust that I'll see them again. Sooner than later. God has a way of sticking us all together! Well, for now, I will sign off.....this weekend holds: full course turkey dinner, lonely weekend nights, drama beyond belief, gossip galore (which I will try desperately to ignore), cleaning frenzy, and.... and just maybe...some fun. : ) Stay tuned......

I wish I could take you in my arms little one
To take on your pain and disease
To dispel it from you
To see the sparkle return to your eyes

How helpless are we?
I long to see you run free
I would, that I could, take your sickness upon myself
Because I am stronger than you

You gave joy and laughter
It's not fair that you, you of all, should suffer
This mystery is almost too painful
You were meant to keep her from being alone

And now nothing is certain
But is it ever really?
You look at me with mournful eyes
My heart breaks with each glance

Powerless to heal
I can only cry with you
O, little one, that I could take your place
You are innocent, and I've lived longer than you

TWINS!!! Here's a picture of me at Cait's apartment in August. Well, I'm back in Hershey for the month or until I have a job somewhere. I'm looking for a temp position at a store or as a waitress for the interim, and am waiting to hear back about a few internships in DC with Conservation International. I looked at WWF, but they don't have anything available. I'm set to take the Biology GRE's...yes another exam!...on Nov. 4, and I'll be going to Miri's in Lexington, VA to take that. Let's just hope, and pray, that everything works out in terms of me getting into grad school for next fall. I'm feeling pretty discouraged with how the chips keep falling, not in my favour....but I still believe I'll end up where I'm supposed to be.

Maggie's been very sick lately....first we thought she had a blockage, and then a parasite (protazoan or tapeworm)....but today at the Vet's, they found nothing in her stool culture, and did blood work and her creatinine level was high as well as her amylase levels, indicating something is possibly wrong with her kidneys and that the GI problems (for over a week have been battling vomitting, dry heaves, and diarrhea) are a side effect of the kidney stuff. So she was on a GI antibiotic last week....now for this week, the poor dog is going to run the gammut of med's/deworming/special diet foods. So starting today we're giving her 3 Pepsids each morning and night, she's on special high fiber, low protein, low fat diet from the vets (cans of it).....tomorrow I give her the doggie equivalent of amoxicillin for possible kidney infection, and the same GI antibiotic, two and three times a day respectively, while on this special diet. This regimen continues Mon-Wed, but with an added deworming treatment at lunch time (this powder stuff that I think is going to take a miracle for her to eat)...and then Thursday, a tapeworm treatment....and Friday back to just the antibiotics and pepsids....then Saturday back to the Vets to check her creatinine levels again. Let's hope that things will sort themselves out and this puppy will go back to being her happy go-lucky self. Poor sweetie.

Anyways, I will be in touch with my friends ASAP....moving around and not knowing where I'd end up, I haven't had much to update people on. But I am feeling kind of lonely....and a bit like a failure, seems like I can't find a job anywhere. Let's see how things go....will keep trying....

Overwhelmed by grace I fall to my knees
I wait as Your peace floods my soul
Your Spirit blesses like a gentle breeze
It's only in You that I am whole

It's only in Your will that I am free
I leave my burdens behind
You walk shoulder to shoulder with me
Your love is like no other I could find

I lift my arms in total praise
Palms stretched outward to receive
Your blessing or to skim the blaze
Of your glory, the whole of which I cannot conceive

Your presence floods my being
I'm lost for words to express my devotion
Even the worship that I sing
Is inadequate measure of my emotion

I can't explain the freedom found in Your grace
I can only imagine the day when I can fully see You
To be with You face to face
And express how thankful I am for all You do

I see my undeserving self and marvel at Your
Goodness, and bask in Your Mercy anew
I long to live a life that is Holy and Pure
Set apart, Lord for You

So consecrate me for Your purpose
Sanctify me by the power of Your forgiveness
I claim your covenant of peace with us
And walk in joy, compassion and fullness

These Scriptures have really spoken to me recently and provided a lot of comfort. I used to walk in God's peace and then I turned away from it. It is so freeing to turn back towards God's loving arms and walk in His peace. I love the second passage, where it says that no matter what goes wrong, no matter how bad it might be, God is compassionate and His love never fails and His peace never leaves you. The last verse reminds me not to spend too much time worrying, but to bring my requests before God and leave my anxiety with Him. I love the beauty of the first passage, it's a few verses from Psalm 119 that I pulled out that really hit home with me when I was reading it recently. I was tired and I needed to be reminded of God's unfailing love, and find my comfort again. I needed to accept God's compassion and seek it, rather than striking out on my own. Because on my own I was failing miserably. To live is Christ, and in Him I can do all things because He strengthens me. I had lost sight of that, but not any longer.

28 My soul is weary with sorrow;
strengthen me according to your word.
41 May your unfailing love come to me, O LORD,
your salvation according to your promise;
50 My comfort in my suffering is this:
Your promise preserves my life.
77 Let your compassion come to me that I may live,
for your law is my delight......Psalm 119.

10 Though the mountains be shaken
and the hills be removed,
yet my unfailing love for
you will not be shaken
nor my covenant of peace be removed,"
says the LORD, who has compassion on you......Isaiah 54.

5 Let your gentleness be evident to all.
The Lord is near.
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving,
present your requests to God.
7 And the peace of God,
which transcends all understanding,
will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.....Philippians 4

So here I am in Lexington, Virginia at Washington & Lee University where I used to attend for undergrad. I drove my best friend Miri to Law School here for her final (3rd) year. It's such a blessing to be here and have fellowship with her, be with people my age, and meet her friends here and see that she's got a nice group. I've also managed to meet up with the Baldwins, a wonderful couple who really looked after us (spiritually, and homesick-wise) during out time at W&L. I've seen a few people and faculty that I knew, and while last week most of my former professors were away on holiday, I am hoping that on Monday they'll be back in town so I can see them. I didn't realize just how much I missed this place until I drove in last Tuesday and it felt like I was coming home. I lived here most of my summers doing research, so in a way it was home.

Being able to spend time with Miri has been so good for me, and being able to share my faith and personal struggles and pray over them with her has been such a blessing. For me I'd grown really lonely....and it's so nice to be with a friend who knows me at my weakest and still loves me! (Even though I can be a melodramatic baby sometimes -- right? hhmmmm -- for Miri's benefit) ; ) But I've enjoyed this little break of mine and I'm sad to be leaving in 2 days. I'm worried about the future and getting into a PhD program....I'm worried about being single at my age....I'm worried about finding a temporary job and a place to live....so that I can be independent as I was before Oxford and breaking my leg, and so my family doesn't have to make anymore financial sacrifices for me. I think I feel that burden the most. So it's been good to share this with Miri and pray over it and just trust that God is in control and that He does have plans to prosper me and not to harm me. I've been able to let go of a lot of the anger and frustration about my leg and redealing with my self esteem about it. So I'm getting back to my old self, or rather, returning to being Rachael, instead of "here I am, leg girl" : ) I need to learn how to rely on others rather than holding things inside me and trying to deal with them on my own. I think we can experience God's comfort and healing through others. So I'm glad it is with my best friend.

I miss my other friends too, and am trying to remember that the world is a lot smaller than me think, and I know that a day will come when I'll see them again. So, if you guys are reading this, I miss you all a lot, and think of you often.

You speak in whispers that I strain to hear
O, if only I could drown out the static
Just to hear You clearly, plainly

You speak in simple tones and words
But I somehow always manage to mangle them
I seem to lose their meanings

I long for Your embrace
I long to lose this fear; to be filled with Your peace
Why do I hasten and bustle, when I could rest in You

You tell me to stop and see You
I used to look for You in grandiose things
But I was mistaken

You, I found in life's simple beauty
A hawk flying free, a praying mantis on a flower,
A gentle ocean breeze, children's laughter

I look at Man and see Your sadness
We are tainted and bent, but O, save by Your grace
We can be made whole again

You give me eyes of compassion and love
You fill me with the Joy that is found in Your Spirit
Your sacrifice girds me with the strength and courage I need

O, to clear this noisy clutter from my head
I long to just hear Your still small voice
To be held in Your arms

I long for Your presence
To walk long hours with You
To sing my life song for You

Heal me by Your touch
Assuage the open wounds on my soul
Pick me up and send me on my way, O Lord

Here are some recent pictures of the girls in my life...my 'kids' ; )

Also the last two are from yesterday, when Cait had a party for me and Maggie.