Today at Physio, I had some awesome progress!!!! I'm so psyched about it! Last week, I failed almost all the balance tests, when i had to balance on my prosthesis leg. And I could barely do 10 squats (that was Tues), so on Wednes, saw the prosthetist and finally got the height and dorsi-flexion/angle of my ankle fixed! (FINALLY!!! -- this is on the second leg he's had to make, the first one was way off). So, all week long, I've been pushing myself. I weaned myself off my one crutch, and try to walk about a mile each day. I really want to build up my endurance again. I've been doing stairs more often, but still have trouble on the ones here at my Uncle's house. They're a little too high and steep for me. So, anyways, been trying to help with cleaning around the house too. I played catch and tried basketball last week too. I'm doing all my indoor exercises and stretching out my leg everyday too! SO, today was the big day. In physio, I....(drum roll)....passed all my balance exercises!!!! YEAH! I did squats on the Total Gym they have there. I did 'sidewalking' with a tension band. And.....(Big cymbal bang here, folks!).....I went on the dreaded Treadmill!!!! And (gasp of disbelief), I didn't fly off!!! I walked for a bit, and then she wanted me to leg go of the bar, which was really hard at first, but I got better as we went along. It was really exciting. She was so happy with my progress, and now, I'm really working hard on getting my aunts and uncles to let me try to drive a car!!!

Alright, will write more later. (Am planning to email all of my friends today/tomorrow). I'm off to help with dinner and cleaning the house!

So, I've been down in VA for the last week for my Mom's 50th birthday!!! It was nice, they took me to the ocean for the weekend, and then on tuesday (her day) they went out to eat, while I baked Mom a birthday cake. It was a nice respite for me, and I'm really anxious to get back to Boston and get moving!! I have therapy lined up for tomorrow and hopefully, I'll be going up/down stairs. I pushed myself to go upstairs with no help, but it was a little difficult, going down however, was almost disastrous! One step at a time, eh!? ; ) Yeah, I nearly lost my balance. I have to remember to stretch myself out in the morning and at night before bed, because I'm stiffening up and have lost a little bit of the flexibility I had gained. I really would love to be settled in my own place, either working or studying. I'm looking at schools in the Boston or DC areas, and also jobs, likely in Virginia.

Cait is desperate for me to settle down by June, so I can take my 'niece' Maggie for a while. I still haven't met her yet, but I hear she's a little under the weather these days. I was hoping to see Cait and Jared, but it didn't work out for them to come to Mom & Dad's this weekend. My Mom can't find their digi-cam!!!!!! So, I couldn't take any pics of me and my pal Toula. I saw Gussie's death certificate, and it made me cry. But I know she's in a better place.

I'm hoping I'll have a better attitude and that things will speed up here! To be honest, I've had up and down times in terms of dealing with this recovery. I mean, I'm glad I can finally walk now, albeit a bit unsteady. My leg is still too short!!!! UG!!! So, on Friday, hopefully I'll get that fixed, and very soon it'll be all finished. I'm praying the insurance will cover the prosthesis or atleast most of the cost, because it is very expensive. I realize my parents are very low on funds due to me, and I'm anxious to get a job and pay them back for it, as well as my sister. In 2 weeks time we'll find out where my brother will be 'stationed' and what ship he'll be sailing on for the next 4-5 years. I'm hoping he'll get to go to some place cool, like Hawaii or San Diego. (Japan is unlikely for new grads). They have home US ports, and then their ships sail around the world on tours of duty. So, yeah, let's see. I'm sure it'll be a great opportunity for him.

Well, I'm almost done packing up and I fly out in a few hours....we gotta move!!!

I miss all of my friends so much these days, I've been kinda lonely. But being with family is always a blessing, and so I'm looking forward to going back. I don't know how I'll ever repay my aunt & uncle's kindness for letting me stay with them so long up in Boston. I've kind of taken over their couch!! ; )

Anyways, stay tuned, I plan to try driving sometime soon!!!!! woo-hoo!!! (seriously, watch out tho, there's no guarantees, and ofcourse the last time i drove was in Oxford, on the other side of the car, on the other side of the road). I was going to try here in VA, but Mom & Dad's parking lot at the school is too full of cars! So, hopefully up in Mass, I'll get a chance.

There's this kind of pit of no return
She feels like she's falling into
It's patience she must learn
But depression she's akin to
She wants so much to break free and fly
But the bars on her cage hold fast
So she just sits and sighs
As days, months, roll past
She's tired and worn
From hopes being strung out
She's sad and forlorn
She fights a silent bout
She's lonely and low
She wants to be home
She misses the familiar so
Seems she's stuck in her plastic dome
Her singing - it feels fake
Her laugh, is just a joke
She's frustrated, make no mistake
No matter what words they spoke
It feels like a never ending tragedy
There's no resolve in sight
She feels like a jetty
That the waves pound with might
Tossed here and there
She knows no direction
How can she share
Her misfit reflection?
Ups and downs, lefts and rights
Spirals and vertigo, a whirlpool
If only a horizon on which to set her sights
Then maybe she wouldn't feel the fool

Life's little difficulties can set you for a whirl
You go from a high to a quick drop low
All around you the possiblities swirl
Which one is hers to claim, to know?
She doesn't want to know despair
She wants to be strong, head held high
They say that life is never very fair
She wants to proove them wrong, soar the sky

She wants her freedom back
She longs to break the chains
It's the key that you lack
So you resign to the pains
You hope someone comes along
Sees her there, head hung low
Says, 'buck up, it won't be very long
Now,' -- remember, I told you so

LEG UPDATE!

Alright, well, they've taken my prosthesis back for some major adjustments, so I'm again back 100% on crutches....I think my arms must hate me so much! I have to wait until 8 March before it's ready for another test run. This is fine by me though, because the first type of the prosthesis was not aligned properly, also I lost some muscle mass in my stump, so it shrank probably to about the size it was before I injured myself. So they are remaking the whole socket and then reattaching the foot at the proper angle. I never thought I'd get to use my college physics, but it helped me explain and understand the problem with the mechanics of my leg! woo-hoo! I'll have that leg for a few days, and then hopefully, if all is well (please, dear God!) then they'll take it and finish it off, shape it into a leg and put fake skin on it. I can't wait!!!

I'm hopefully going to get a haircut soon. My long curly hair is not used to this New England weather, plus, I think it's been over a year since I last had it styled, and it was trimmed only in October....yeah....any suggestions!?!? Cait, I hear you cut off 12 inches of your hair for Locks of Love (they take human hair and make wigs for paediatric cancer patients). How short is it now!?

This is me and mi amiga mejor Miri dressed for Fancy Dress 2004

This was the formal dance at W & L

Our friend Cinira did our hair, straightening mine completely!

Miri thinks I look semi-Korean in this one ; )

Anyways, when I showed my cousin this, she asked who the pretty girl in the front was...

Guess I've lost that look now, eh? :D

My two closest friends from college

My roomate Abbie, me, and Miri

Graduation Day (May 2004)

Abbie was my roomate for two years in a row...plus shared an apartment

with me one year and with Satomi, Kim, and Miri too.

I don't know how she or the others put up with me!

To all my other friends: I wish I could put pics of all of you up here....send me some!!

PICTURES FROM COLLEGE AT W & L

(I got off Miri's webpage!) ; )

This is our Evening Abroad at W & L, sophomore year

Abbie is from Uganda, but wearing a Korean dress

Satomi is from Japan, but wearin a Ugandan wrap

I'm from the U.S. but wearing a "yukata" from Japan

And Miri is from Korea, but dressed as an "American" ; )

This is at the MSA semi-formal, Junior year with Miri, Kim, Abbie and me

Choral concert, Senior year with me, Miri, Julian, Jasmine and Satomi

This pic is from Miri, but it's her and our friend Sahir

Graduation day! Satomi, Miri and me with our diplomas

She’s a good girl, loves her mama
Loves jesus and america too
She’s a good girl, crazy ’bout elvis
Loves horses and her boyfriend too

It’s a long day living in reseda
There’s a freeway runnin’ through the yard
And I’m a bad boy cause I don’t even miss her
I’m a bad boy for breakin’ her heart

And I’m free, free fallin’
Yeah I’m free, free fallin’

All the vampires walkin’ through the valley
Move west down ventura boulevard
And all the bad boys are standing in the shadows
All the good girls are home with broken hearts

And I’m free, free fallin’
Yeah I’m free, free fallin’

Free fallin’, now I’m free fallin’,
now i’mFree fallin’, now I’m free fallin’

I wanna glide down over mulholland
Iwanna write her name in the sky
Gonna free fall out into nothin’
Gonna leave this world for a while

And I’m free, free fallin’
Yeah I’m free, free fallin’

Here's Maggie!!!!!!

NEW BEGINNINGS ~~~

I walked today! I stood today on....TWO feet!!!!!!!!! : ) It's amazing how weak and wobbly you become after several months without your prosthesis! I have a half finished leg that I've got now to continue therapy with and when I can be sure the pain is just from weight bearing and not a bad fit, then the prosthetist will take it back and add on the soft foam shaping and that fake skin! : ) I'm so sore in my knee especially, hip and stump, but my goodness, i walked! I stood! Even though I use my crutches for support now, I have two legs! I have two feet! It will still be a slow recovery, but this is such a huge step....and another wonderful thing happened, they have found a place for me in the health insurance program, so I am waiting to finalize that and hopefully, the leg will be covered!

I am back at my Uncle's house. Caring for my Nana was too much for me.....I needed a break, and even though I feel some sort of guilt, I know I did my best that I could do at that moment, and it doesn't change how much I care for and love my Nana. Although she is confused now because i'm not there, I think it's best for both of us. I want to be the granddaughter and her to be the Nana....not anything different. I see her struggling with her illness and it breaks my heart ten times over, but I just wish peace for her, for her not to worry, and for her not to feel paranoid or like she's being lied to, just for her to be comfortable and see a real smile on her face. For her to feel free to move about, and doing it safely.

There's also a new addition to my family. I am the proud Auntie of little Maggie Mallis. Caitlin got a puppy! She's a little female black lab, but Cait thinks she'll be big. She calls her Maggie, and Mags for short (I think). Here's some shots she sent me....I can't wait to meet this little dog! ; )

Okay, well, it's not working, so I'll try again later to upload the pics, but please trust me, she's cute! : D

Nana ~

"Remember the good times that we had? We let them slip away from us when things got bad. Clearly I first saw you, smiling in the sun. I wanna feel your warmth upon me, I wanna be the one.....

And I will remember you. Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories.

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. I'm standing on the edge of something much too deep. It's funny how I feel so much, I cannot say a word. We are screaming inside, oh, we can't be heard.

And I will remember you. Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories.

I'm so afraid to love you. More afraid to lose. Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose. Where once there was a darkness, a deep and endless night, you gave me everything you had, oh you gave me light.

And I will remember you. Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by, weep not for the memories.
I will remember you. Will you remember me?
Don't let your life pass you by.....

Weep not for the memories....

Weep not for the memories."


She knows she's been silent for way to long. It's just that she's been stuck in a sort of modern day prison. It's a prison she's free to leave, but she can't bring herself too, because it's one that her Nana is forever in. What's real is no longer reality, and the dear little woman who stands before her, accusing, paranoid, suspicious, unkempt, and unreasonable is still the Nana who fixed her bruises when she was little, baked cookies with her, sang songs with her. Where does the line get crossed from granddaughter to caregiver, she wonders? Does it ever? Now that she's been pulled free, there's this heavy feeling of guilt. If this, I could have done more.....if that, I could have helped her more. For a long time no one believed her or maybe they did, but didn't want to hear the darkness that her Nana, their mother, had fallen into. She was left to her own devices, on crutches, to care for this stubborn, fiercely independent Irish woman. And she feels as though on some levels she's failed, or she's the enemy....even though she has not and is not. You see, finally the children have come to accept and recognize that Nana is no longer a care giver, but one who must be cared for herself. She's not a child and yet her basic needs are so similar. There's a great place, appropriately called Sunrise, that would provide Nana with her own apartment, but would attend to her basic needs, all meals would be provided, laundry and cleaning done.....things that we cannot give her or she would not accept from her own family.

She was only there a month alone with her Nana, but it felt like a year. Time has lost all meaning for Nana...and she cannot bring her back. And yet, she's broken beyond all points of giving and tolerance. It's hard to remind oneself that it is the disease and not your loved one who accuses you of purposely misplacing things around the house, interfering, not caring, and saying terrible things about those she loves and who in turn care deeply for her. Nana is lonely and upset because she thinks no one visits, and yet when they do visit or come to do things for her around the house, she's upset, because their 'in her business.' It's difficult, and it's easy to stand back and say, "it's the disease, you cannot argue with her, you cannot remind her that people have visited and called." She reached a breaking point today and had to break out of the house and do laps around the block on her crutches.....so angry and frustrated at what was coming out of Nana's mouth and unwilling to accept when 5 minutes later, Nana wants to have tea and cookies and is so pleasant. You know it's the disease, but when this plays out, 24/7 it is so difficult to walk away from and let go of at the end of the day. I could not do it alone and yet I feel as though I've failed on so many levels, as if I should have been able to do everything. It's easy to see her needs, but to respond in a way that she still feels respected as the grandmother and maintains that basic human dignity that is her right, is a fine line and difficult. There are some things you cannot ask her to do or remind her of....because you are her granddaughter. And she knows it would break Nana's heart if she could hear herself and see herself if she was in her right and sound mind.

She cannot imagine the terror and confusion and frustration that must surround her Nana daily because of Alzheimer's. The reality that is yours and nothing like the reality that is hers. As her aunt put it, "it would be like me telling you you went to a carnival today, went on the upside down roller coaster, ate funnel cakes and then came home." When you know absolutely, for sure, you did no such thing. That's what it's like for her....and so to Nana, everything you are telling her must seem like a lie, and so in her eyes, when those clear moments have passed, it seems like her family is doing some terrible things. Nothing makes sense anymore.

And it's sad. It's awful. It's terribly tragic and profoundly desperate....

You can no longer make memories or remember those that have happened. You reread those newspapers for hours, you keep making cups of tea, you watch the same tv show over and over again. And you get up, and do the same thing the next day. You're struggling to make sense of what is going on and trying so hard to remember what has happened. The things you hear from others don't make any sense and can't possibly be true because you don't remember them and therefore you haven't experienced them for yourself......

Even if you were at the carnival, on the rollercoaster, eating funnel cakes....5 minutes later, you would have no clue what had just happened.

A few nights ago, I was awakened at 3 or half 3 in the morning by a scream and then wailing and moaning in the night. Terrified and cursing, and expecting the worse, I fumbled on my crutches to the stairs, and went up as fast as I could, on my butt, using both legs to get me up the steep stair case. All the while yelling for my Nana and saying it was okay, everything was going to be okay, I was coming. Then hearing silence. I reached the top of the stairs, having dragged my crutches with me, turned on the hall light, and heard Nana asking, "Rachael....what are you doing up here, are you all right? What's going on?" I said, wanting to cry and holding it in, "No Nana, I heard someone cry out in the night, and crying. I wanted to make sure you were alright. I'm so glad you're okay." "Yes, I somehow made it up those stairs, can you believe it?" "Okay, Nana, sorry to have woken you. Did you have a bad dream?" "You don't remember, it's okay. Go back to sleep now, everything's fine. I'm so glad you're alright." "No, I don't need help on the stairs, I'll manage to get myself down them." "You just lie back down and go to sleep. Sweet dreams this time, Nana." "Okay, love you. Good night. Sleep well." I slowly slid down those steps on my butt again. I shut off the lights. Went back to the sleeper sofa, and cried myself to sleep. What if something had been wrong? I was powerless to do anything.

THE YEAR IN REVIEW:

My year in review....2005...wow, it really flew by! This New Year's I won't be dancing though, but that's okay. It's been pretty much decided that the prosthesis I had will no longer fit, and it's almost definite that I'll have to get a new leg. Where the money for that will come from, I'm not sure. But, God always provides. So, back to my original thought: the blessings of 2005.

January: Hm....gosh, it seems so far away; I was busy learning how to drive a stick-shift on the opposite side of the road! Hahaha...and I was pulled over by the police for the first time in my life for driving down High Street. I almost fell in the Thames checking those bloody polecat/ferret traps. I got to see the pretty English country-side in snow.

February: Still working on those ferrets, and sang in the Tsunami Relief event. I sang the Indonesian national song. I still remember all the words, even now.

Indonesia, tanah air beta, pusaka abadi nan jayah
Indonesia, seh jak dulu kala, selahlu di puja puja bangsah
Di sana tempat lahir beta, Di buyai di besarkan bunda
Tempat buhlin dung di hari tua, sumpai air menutup matah

March: In despair after only catching 1 ferret and realizing I was up a creek without a paddle on this one as I began to write up my first thesis. Yikes! And, my sister visited me for the week in March. I got to introduce her to all my friends and classmates. I think she was a hit! I drove Imelda to the JR where we got a tour of the maternity ward and told what the child birth would be like (boy, were they wrong!)!!!

April: Handed in my thesis, next week my parents arrived in London. I got to show them around the city, and they eventually got to Oxford for a couple of days. Introduced them to most of my friends from India and they got to celebrate Saranya's birthday with all of us. I remember going pram shopping to Mothercare with Saranya....we couldn't decide...and then bought all these toys too. The bus ride home was hilarious, and the walk back to Linacre was great....every bump I hit, I heard, "be careful of the baby!" HA! The party in the Common Room for Imelda and Saranya.

May: I started prepping for my avian malaria research, going out and setting up traps, and eventually trapping. For the longest time I caught absolutely nothing, except two Anopheles plumbeus females, the species I really wasn't looking for. Sigh...I had some help, Jenny and Jaci came out, and I practiced dissecting any insect I could. I had my 23rd birthday away from my twin, but didn't feel lonely. I had some awesome surprises from my friends, and a great party with my Oxford 'family.' But the best early birthday present of all was I became "Auntie Rach" to little Arvinoxa Rabbanibrata Furqon, or Oxa as well all called him. Julia and I were Imelda's birth partners, and it was such an honour and a privilege to be a part of bringing little Oxa into the world.

June: June brought long days in the field checking and setting mossie traps. My first time punting, where I fell in the river....not on purpose, like Vedanta, but because the bloody punt broke! ; ) Ed pulled me out of the water, while the other guys stood there laughing. Oh well....one of my 'graceful' moments, I'm so notorious for! I cooked dinner with Julia almost every night, especially during her exam times. We were pretty lonely without Imelda and the 'cats' had taken over her kitchen! June, also brought Skomer Island, where I got to hold baby puffins, baby sea gulls, and hatching eggs. It was beautiful, isolated, and I loved it. I came back browner than I have ever been....Jenny, Mitts and I attempted swimming....but the 12 - 14 degree water (that's around 40 F I think) deterred us. I got my 'feet' wet. The beginning of June brought Stuti's birthday and our Bollywood Bop party. We danced for sooo long!

July: July brought the end of my fieldwork, and in the last week, I finally caught a bunch of mossies. Finally. After switching locations in the woods, again almost falling into the Thames, and still driving (much better I might add). July brought Julia's graduation, long hours for me dissecting mossies in the lab, Cait's second visit for two weeks. We went to Ireland for the first time for 4 days and it was wonderful! I drank a pint of Guinness and then a pint of Murphy's Stout one night, and topped it off with some Bailey's (Cait's idea!). It was beautiful, and a good time with my sis. Cricket was in full swing, and I went to all the mini-World Cup matches. I fell in love with cricket this month. Megan went home to South Africa....the first of many sad good-byes.

August: More cricket! I wrote my last thesis in the final hours.....had some help from Nick and Jaci and managed to rewrite the entire results/discussion sections after some last minute stats changes. More punting with Jaci and Shreya, and Vedanta going in again after Sri pushed him in. Punted with Julia too, singing Danny Boy while we crashed into the bushes....got attacked by a swan too.....Jul's sad farewell.

September: punting with Imelda and Oxa. Spending the night at Shreya's more than once, watching tons of old Bollywood movies....played for India in the Linacre-India cricket match...well, 'played'....fielded....rather poorly I should add! But, oh well...it was lots of fun! Gave a poster presentation....sat my viva. Passed! Passed! More sad good-byes with classmates and friends. Our last class-night together, I wore my Indonesian dress from Imelda. Mitashi left first...others quickly followed. Said good-bye to my neighbour, Mamie from Pakistan. She offered me a lot of wisdom and encouragement. Imelda went home with Furqon and Oxa to Indonesia. I cried so much that day. She kept calling me and texting me while at the airport.....the last call we both sounded very teary. See, Imelda was my closest friend at Oxford....we became fast friends the first day we met. We were part of the Abraham gang: Saranya, Imelda, me and Julia. I can remember the early months of my time in Oxford, with Imelda trying to find me a man...."new term, new man!" she'd say. ; ) When she left, it felt like it was just Shreya and me left. Hiromi and I had dinner a lot in those last days in the Abraham building. Neha came to visit, and we stayed up all night packing her up and crashing at Shreya's. Lots of tears passed that morning she went back to Switzerland.

October: Hm....October 1, the day will live on in infamy. Well, not really. I graduated! I had a fun party at Saranya's new place, and....I had my first ever trip to the ER! I dislocated my knee....and I made a big spectacle of myself too, I think. I think Manjari and Saranya later said I sounded like a dying elephant when they gave me the gas. Anyways, I survived....and thankfully, everyone else did too. I stayed with Manjari for the next 4 days, and that was wonderful for me to finally get some time with her! I had lots of visitors too before I left. I didn't get to say good-bye to everyone I wanted too. I never saw Fatima or Hiromi. Sad sad leaving, lots of melodrama at the airport, but I made it on the plane, seriously only because I had Saranya there with me. I don't know how I could ever repay everyone's kindness to me, or place a value on the friendships I made in Oxford. I can't, only to say that they will be forever remembered and treasured, and hopefully friends will be seen again. I still have my cast that everyone signed! Made it home in one piece to Virginia. Cait came down, and wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles, my brother Jared, even gave up a weekend with his girlfriend to come see me (for 18 hours tops...). ; ) Came and went from Boston, was fitted with a knee brace.

November: Back up in Boston area, staying with my Mom's brother and his family. Having a nice time catching up with the little ones around, helping with homework and finally started physio. Doing mad work with exercises and weights. The doc called my leg jelly....imagine that ; ) So, that's when the weight work began in earnest. Thanksgiving up at Auntie Shaune's and saw the whole 'Mansfield' clan, except for my own family. It was also the hardest month, in that I lost my special dog, Gussie. I never got to say good-bye. She was 13, and we grew up together. She was always my buddy, and she was a great friend. I loved her so much.

December: I was given the green-light to put on my prosthesis, only to find it was too small. Even after all residual swelling was gone, I couldn't squeeze it on, despite a very painful, and determined attempt at putting it on at therapy. I think I scared the therapist and my Aunt, when I put all my weight on that leg, trying to just get the bloody thing on. Didn't work. Went to Maine for the weekend with my Auntie Sue and Deanna. It was beautiful and the respite I needed for a bit. Was feeling pretty lonely for my friends and family.

Last week of the year: Christmas came and I spent Christmas Eve at Nana's, and went to Catholic mass with her and my Auntie Shaune, Uncle John and Emily. It was alright, I'm not Catholic, so couldn't participate in the Communion. It was so hot in that church and the lady who sang, oh Sweet Jesus....It was all I could do to keep from laughing or cringing in pain as she went way, and I mean way, off-key. Christmas breakfast back at my Uncle Keith's and dinner at Auntie Shaune's. The 26th, my sis and Mom arrived for a visit! Yeah! My Dad, unfortunately was down with a sinus infection and having problems with his breathing machine for the severe sleep apnea he has. Had a nice time staying at Nana's with Mom. Wednesday saw the whole clan together again at Nana's. I had a lot of fun that night, and a few too many beers. Mom had a lot of wine and she and my uncle started laughing....and let's just say that when my Mom laughs, she sets off a ripple effect and gets us all going. It was soon discovered that I too can laugh like my Mom, and eventually I got a major case of the giggles and couldn't stop. Everyone started teasing me! Oh well. My cousin Andrew was like, "Wow! England was really good for ya, it got ya to loosen up a little, finally!" I think I scared Nana. Anyways, today had therapy, worked with the big weights, 8 lbs, woo-hoo! I have another Doc appointment in January, and an appointment with a prosthetist to get an eval done on whether my current leg can be adjusted or whether I need a new one. Tomorrow, New Year's Eve, I've been slated to babysit my cousin Emily at Nana's house. Tonight, my last night with Cait, we're here at my Uncle's watching the kids, Dee and Ryan while they're away for the night. Fun times....I finally ate some spicy food!!! Green Thai curry! The Boston side of my family shies completely away from any spice whatsoever....I've been dying up here! Anyways, I need to get some sleep....Cait and Mom leave very early tomorrow morning, and I want to be up to say good-bye. I was hoping for time with them to myself, but that never happend. Oh well. I'm looking forward to what 2006 will bring me....who knows....I just have my sights set on the horizon.

She thought she'd get her foot back, but who could've guessed she'd have gained more muscle than before, and therefore the leg would not fit!!! Her stump, though tender and highly sensitive, wasn't the problem, it was the pesky growth of muscle around her knee. The leg stopped 2 inches below her knee and wouldn't budge. Atleast she knows she can put her full weight on that leg.....as she resolutley and perhaps foolishly lifted her good leg in the air balancing only half inside her prosthesis, hoping to get it on all the way. Alas, even that foolhardy act didn't work. So she's already enacted Plan B: attempt the same with her old leg (yes, the yellow one!) that's hopefully still loose. ETA: Monday night, when family arrives with leg and clothing provisions, including necessary boots. She recalls those hair-raising ice events while simply crossing the street. She feels kinda like an old lady who's relatives have to hold her arm as she moves. ; ) Now I know why Nana keeps telling me she's an independent woman!

She had a bit of freedom going Christmas shopping in a wheelchair in the store. She could push herself no problem, as she has man's arms now....however...those girly notions of pretty long fingernails went out the door when she tried to stop suddenly when a little kid ran in front of her and she ripped two nails off. Let's just say that pain was worse than any in her stump today. Anyways, wow, could she finally go fast, however most of the store was not 'wheelchair friendly' -- but she did pretty good with her shopping. Nana and Auntie are all that's left. Hopefully tomorrow will see the shopping escapades done.

I'm so excited for my family coming up on the 26th. Though I'll miss Christmas with them, I'll sort of be with them in spirit. I'm going to cook a big Christmas breakfast for my Uncle's family, like I used to for mine. I baked two loaves of bread today: Pecan Swirl, and Apple-Walnut (yum!!!). Then it's a full breakfast with scrambled eggs, hash browns, bacon and sausage. I think I am going to Catholic mass on Christmas Eve, my Auntie and Nana asked me to go with them. It should be interesting. Hopefully I won't make any mistakes (as I'm not Catholic, I don't know the routine). Another point of controversy is should I take Communion? Protestants believe you can take Communion if you believe in Jesus, however in the Catholic church, if you are Protestant you were not permitted or extremely discouraged from taking it. It's seen as a sin and an affront to practicing Catholics. My Nana makes me take it, but I feel weird. I'm not sure how my Aunt will feel if I do. I guess I should just outright ask her. We'll see.

Anyways, since I'm sure my brother doesn't read this blog, I have to share something hilarious!!! Most of you all are aware that Jared fails to remember birthday or Christmas presents, or if he does get me and Cait one, he either has Mom buy it and then put his name on it (without paying for it), or picks us up these hideous hair ties or scrunchies from the dollar store. Terrible, usually it's nothing or it's like our choice of a free sample from Bath & Body Works....anyways....Cait and I always got him very nice gifts, like his favourite expensive cologne, etc. This year....it's poetic justice.....oh yeah! Cait rocks and is so awesome. Even I couldn't think of this! She found these pore reducer machines at the dollar store, battery operated. They come in either blue, pink or white......muhahaha....guess what colour Jared's getting? PINK!!!!!!!! : ) : ) : ) Yes...ironic and poetically just.....an ugly, cheap-o, useless gift....finally, Cait and I are saying, "NO!" And since he's got a serious, steady girlfriend, he may actually buy us gifts. In fairness to him, one year, about 3 months late, he did give me a birthday gift: a t-shirt from San Diego zoo and a very nice ceramic picture frame from the same place, and Cait, just a 50 Cent shot-glass! hehe...so he tried with one of us.....but with twins, it's all or nothing....we come in the same package....I mean, who ever heard of twins having different birthdays?! Jared has consistently called me on either May 30, or June 1 for the last 3-4 years, while Cait gets a call on the day: May 29.

Oh well......brothers! what more can i say!? ; ) I just wish I was there for the look on his face! Oh yeah? Check this out:

1. Wrapping paper: 50 cents
2. Pink Pore Reducer: $1.00
3. Batteries: $2.00
4. Look on Jared's face when justice is served: Priceless!

A shoot will come up from the stump of Jesse, from his roots a Branch will bear fruit. The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him -- the Spirit of wisdom and of understanding, the Spirit of counsel and of power, the Spirit of knowledge and of the fear of the Lord -- and he will delight in the fear of the Lord.

He will not judge by what he sees with his eyes, or decide by what he hears with his ears; but with righteousness he will judge the needy, with justice he will give decisions for the poor of the earth. He will strike the earth with the rod of his mouth; with the breath of his lips he will slay the wicked. Righteousness will be his belt and faithfulness the sash around his waist.

The wolf will live with the lamb,
the leopard will lie down with the goat,
The calf and the lion and the yearling together;
And a little child will lead them.
The cow will feed the bear, their young will lie down together,
And the lion will eat straw like the ox.
The infant will play near the hole of the cobra,
And the young child put his hand into the viper's nest.
They will neither harm nor destroy on all my holy mountain,
For the earth will be full of the knowledge of the Lord
As the waters cover the sea.

In that day the Root of Jesse will stand as a banner for the peoples; the nations will rally to him, and his place of rest will be glorious. Isaiah 11:1-10.

This is how the birth of Jesus Christ came about: His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be with child through the Holy Spirit. Because Joseph her husband was a righteous man and did not want to expose her to public disgrace, he had in mind to divorce her quietly. But after he had considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to him in a dream and said, "Jospeh son of David, do not be afraid to take Mary home was your wife, because what is conceived in her is from the Holy Spirit. She will give birth to a son, and you are to give him the name Jesus, because he will save his people from their sins." All this took place to fulfill what the Lord had said through the prophet: "The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel -- which means, 'God with us.'" When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus. Matthew 1:18-25.

When they saw the star, they (the Magi) were overjoyed. On coming to the house, they saw the child with his mother Mary, and they bowed down and worshipped him. Then they opened their treasures and presented him with gifts of gold, and of incense and of myrrh. Matthew 2:10-11.

While they were there (Bethlehem), the time came for the baby to be born, and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them at the inn. And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Saviour has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger." Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favour rests." When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord had told us about." So they hurried off and found Mary and Jospeh, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told. Luke 2:6-20

Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel. Isaiah 7:14

For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of his government and peace there will be no end. Isaiah 9:6-7a

Today, we had the makings of an ice storm, but it turned too warm and changed over to rain. Went to therapy and I was the only one there. My therapist is really cool and it's always fun to go and chat with her. Today I did 5lbs!!!! Yeah!!! ; ) One small step in weight increase, one giant leap for my confidence. Next week she's going to help me put the prosthesis on. The main problem I have with it (besides needing new padding) is that the silicone bladder inside has 're-inflated' and therefore must be stretched out again. This is done through wearing it. I remember when I got my leg several painful weeks of putting it on and taking it off. But that was easier then because I had callouses built up from years of prosthesis wear. It's amazing how a few months off your 'feet' and those callouses disappear. I nearly had my leg on by myself, but the pain in my stump's skin was just too much for me, so I stopped. But I have to deal with the pain, because that's what happens, those callouses have to be built up again. I'm going to pick up some hydrocortisone cream that might help....I'm not sure.

Anyways, wow....9 more days til Christmas, and I haven't done my shopping at all. I have all these cards to send out (still need some peoples' addresses!!!!???) but haven't had a chance to go to the post office. I have a feeling they'll be sent out late again this year and atleast for my Oxford friends, won't get there til after the New Year!

Okay, so Caitlin's new puppy! It's a girl, a black lab. No name so far for her, still in deliberation, but I'm afraid that after a week of rough med school exams, Cait might go over to the darkside and name her puppy a medical term. I'm not sure....her roomate suggested melo-something or other which means, bloody poop. OH dear God! ; ) Anyways, the puppy's momma is a chocolate lab named Hershey and her dad is a yellow lab named Levi. All the puppies came out black and there were two girls and about 8 boys.

Well, tonight we're having pizza at Nana's, like we used to. So that will be a nice thing to do with her, and this weekend I'm probably going to stay over atleast one night. She's been asking me to and I think it'll be good. I was going to see if my Aunt could rent that movie, "Waking Ned Devine" for us. Cait introduced me to it, and it's awesome! We laughed so hard and Nana loved it too. So I thought it'd be good for her and a nice break from Law & Order, which she watches faithfully every night. Not that I don't like Law & Order.

Anyways, hope this finds you all happy and well. I'd love to hear from you!

Here's a few messages:
Cuidate mi amiga mejor! Saranghe-yo!!!! Apna khayaal rakhna meri pyaari dost. Nina ku-penda rafiki yangu. Miss you guys, please take care, love ya!!! (translation!)

Back from Maine. Oh, it was beautiful up there with the snow and the ocean. Hard to get around though with the crutches, but worth it none-the-less. The Bushes have their summer home there on Walker's Point. Wow. People were very friendly. The first place we stayed at, Village Cove Inn, was nice, kind of like a hotel and it was their last night open. We ate at the pub onsite and it was great (had a pint of Guiness, I might add!) ; ) and the bartender was from Ireland!!!! : ) Cool, and he was playing all of this Irish music I knew...sounded like Nana's actually, hehe. They were going to have karyoke, but alas no one else showed up and I was not about to put on a concert ; ) I've gotten shy about singing these days. Feel like I've lost the touch.

Anyways, the second place we stayed at was the English Meadows Inn. Oh, It was beautiful and exactly what I needed. We were in a suite in an old carriage house from 1860, and the bedding and decorations were all from the Victorian period, all antiques. Very British. Downstairs was a real fire place and we were the only ones in the whole place, so we got to explore all the room and have our own personal fire. So, I got a rocking chair and read some and wrote out a lot of Christmas cards (coming to you all soon!). If you haven't sent me your address, please do quick!!! I had my own twin size bed, with a down duvet and a goose-feather pad on the mattress. Oh wow. It was so warm and cozy! Then, in the morning, full English breakfast! Fresh coffee, mini-ginger scones, apple/pear compote with yogurt and homemade granola, then a three-cheese crustless quiche with orange slices, banana and pomegranate seeds! Wow....I was in heaven and fully stuffed. All served on British Christmas china. Complete with a cute cat named Tigger with the lovliest green eyes ever. It was a much needed dose of England...to be honest, it's almost like reverse culture shock in a way. Sometimes I feel so out of place here lately...and it just was a chance for me to feel at home. The owners had lived in London for a while themselves, so it was neat to swap stories with them. To hear, "Cheers!" and to be asked, "what did you read at University?" ; ) You know...

Also, I will soon be the proud Auntie of a puppy! Cait is going to get a puppy, she told me today. She's asked me to look after her when her residency starts in 2 years. So, I'll have to find my own place and get settled soon, but I couldn't say no! She said I could help name the dog, it's a girl and a black lab. She'll get her in January, but she's picking her out today. Will keep you posted on that development!! I'm excited. I think it'll be good for both of us...we had big holes in our hearts after losing Gussie. Plus, it's only fitting, because Cait took in Enoch, my gerbil and has been caring for him now for the past 2 years. ; )

I got a much needed dose of New England air, sea breeze, 17 inches of snow, and British hospitality. I'm feeling better, and looking forward to getting back on my feet, both figuratively and literally soon! I've been asked to think about singing for my family for Christmas...yikes! ; ) Let's see....trying to think of my favourite carol, and I have to say, I do love "O Holy Night." But I am always open to other songs!

O holy night, the stars are brightly shining;
It is the night of the dear Savior’s birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining,
Till He appeared and the soul felt its worth.
A thrill of hope, the weary soul rejoices,
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn.
Fall on your knees, O hear the angel voices!
O night divine, O night when Christ was born!
O night, divine, O night divine!

Led by the light of faith serenely beaming,
With glowing hearts by His cradle we stand.
So led by light of a star sweetly gleaming,
Here came the wise men from Orient land.
The King of kings lay thus in lowly manger,
In all our trials born to be our Friend!
He knows our need—to our weakness is no stranger.
Behold your King; before Him lowly bend!
Behold your King; before Him lowly bend!

Truly He taught us to love one another;
His law is love and His Gospel is peace.
Chains shall He break for the slave is our brother
And in His Name all oppression shall cease.
Sweet hymns of joy in grateful chorus raise we,
Let all within us praise His holy Name!
Christ is the Lord! O praise His name forever!
His pow’r and glory evermore proclaim!
His pow’r and glory evermore proclaim!

Hello.....SNOW!!!!! Finally, I feel like I'm home at last....snow!!!! Oh, glorious snow!!! And the weirdest thing occurred in this Nor'easter...thunder and lightning!!! I've never been in a blizzard with thunder and lightning before!!!

Sadly, am heart broken as I can't play in the snow just yet...have to watch from the windows as the kids have a snowball fight. Oh, the times when I was a kid building snowforts and having snowball fights....playing king of the snow mound. ; ) Oh to be young. Alright....off my kick now.

I have to say my email's been wacky lately, I've been missing people's messages and getting them late. So, please know I'm not forgetting about any of you all, and I think of you often and miss you!

Well, the doc appointment went okay....he said to wean myself off my brace. Which I'm doing just fine with....I only need to wear it if I'm being active on the crutches, otherwise, not. So I slept for the last few nights without it and finally I can sleep more comfortably. I got the green light for starting to wear my prosthesis, however when I tried to put it on at the doc's office, i couldn't get it on. Still have some residual swelling. Anyways, long story short, they brought in a prosthetist, however it's not covered under the aide i'm getting from MassHealth. So, I have to pay big, big bucks to get the leg refitted. Some padding had torn out and gotten ripped....the guy tried to get me to buy shrinker socks for the swelling and they cost $600+!!!!! I had to say no! So, right now I'm trying to find a way to get my leg fixed at a lower cost or at partial coverage. Sigh....this injury has been such a battle. I kind of feel like I'm stuck in my own personal winter season.

So, I'll keep you all posted. I'm going to Maine, if the weather holds tomorrow to Kennebunkport for a few days with my Aunt and cousin. It should be lots of fun. We're actually going to stay in two different inns, one with it's own pub and another that's modelled after British hospitality. ; ) Full English breakfast served, woo-hoo. I'll feel at home ; ) I'm trying to be more positive, and finally got a nice phone call from the little brother....still the same kid. He's doing a thesis on Lord Nelson of all people and he finally, through experience, agrees with me that British comedy is just the best! : )

I'll write later about Maine, and I hope this snow doesn't keep me down with my crutches!

She sighs reminding herself she's got to breathe thru these exercises! Whew....a proud glint returns to her eyes, 2 lbs....she did 2 lbs with her exercises. What an achievement!! Two weeks ago and she could barely bend her knee without a lot of pain and she's lifting 2 lbs! She's back to 107 degrees of flexion! 28 more to go! While all that work at home and working thru the pain sometimes has been taxing, she can't wait for tomorrow. Tomorrow is the day. Will the doc approve her prosthesis? Can she get a new and improved one? Can she finally take her first steps after 2 1/2 months out? It's kind of like an early Christmas. The anticipation of a blessed event. The birth of her freedom.

She regrets those times when she refused to dance with Dad thinking it would be too embarrassing....now she longs just to put one foot in front of the other. Will it be tomorrow? Even if for the time being she can only wear her leg in physio it's a start. It's a new beginning. Both nervous and excited, those butterflies from long ago have returned.

Her Nana wants out of the house, she wants to move about. She wants that ticket to freedom for both of them. With the return of the leg, comes the return of the wheels! I could drive Nana to the coast, I could drive her to Grampy's graveside, I could take her out for lunch, for tea, I could help her still feel independent. She sees where her stubborn streak came from...her Nana is an independent woman...and so is she.

Today she decorated for Christmas at Nana's house, unpacking those old treasured candles, snowmen, ribbons, train, and nativity. Nana said she felt so alone, and seemed so sad. She felt like crying, but for Nana's sake held those tears in. This Christmas has to be the best one. She just wants her family around her. I want her to not feel so lonely and realize how much she's loved and cherished. Tomorrow she wants to surprise her by walking in the door....not asking for assistance on her crutches. Sure, she's idealistic and it's wishful thinking, but Christmas is about one miracle and above all the hope and love that inspired it. Doesn't everyone deserve a Christmas miracle?

She smiles reflectively...her heart's singing that old tune....

Silent night, holy night
All is calm, all is bright
Round yon virgin, Mother and child
Holy infant, so tender and mild
Sleep in heavenly peace
Sleep in heavenly peace

Silent night, holy night
Shepherd's quake at the sight
Glories stream from heaven afar
Heavenly hosts sing "Alleluia"
Christ the Saviour is born
Christ the Saviour is born

Silent night, holy night
Son of God, Love's pure light
Radient beams from thy holy face
With the dawn of redeeming grace
Jesus, Lord at thy birth
Jesus, Lord at thy birth

Psalm 130 ~

Out of the depths I cry to you, O Lord;
O Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy.

If you, O Lord, kept a record of sins,
O Lord, who could stand?
But with you there is forgiveness;
therefore you are feared.

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning.

O Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.
He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

But for you who revere my name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings. And you will go out and leap like calves released from the stall. Malachi 4:2

And now I will show you the most excellent way.

If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

Love never fails.
But where there are prophesies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face.
Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love.
But the greatest of these is love. 1 Corinthians 13.

Miri, this is for you.....

Come not, when I am dead
To drop thy foolish tears upon my grave,
To trample round my fallen head,
And vex the unhappy dust thou wouldst not save,
There let the wind sweep and the plover cry;
But thou, go by.

Child, if it were thine error or thy crime
I care no longer, being all unblest:
Wed whom thou wilt, but I am sick of time,
And I desire to rest.
Pass on, weak heart, and leave me where I lie:
Go by, go by.

It made me feel better and just embodied what I was feeling at the time. Hang in there and just think of those words, "go by, go by." Thanks to Tennyson for those.

Happy first day of December. It's a new month, and today was a good day with my Nana. I spent the day across the street at her house and her memory was good for the morning. You count those time as the blessings. We talked about how hard it is to say good-bye to pets and when I told her about Gussie she got teary, as she remembered the dog, Lady and cat, Kit-te, she had for years. It felt good to talk to her and for her to remember things. You know, these are times when she brings up stories from the past, like from my Mom's childhood or even her own childhood and it's neat for me to listen and learn about my family. Like for example, she still is slightly scandalized that my Grampy, a married man, went sledding with his kids ; ) I like hearing stories about Grampy, as we were really close. He loved horses, and he's the one who really got me into riding.

I'm feeling hopeful about this month. I know there's a lot to look forward too, like hopefully a full recovery, nice times with family and a chance to return to my parent's home. Maybe even reconciliation in my extended family. But there's hard stuff in store too, like family decisions about my Nana's future and care. An achey knee from those 1 pound leg weights. One pound!! Who would've though one pound was enough to put my little leg out of commission, hehe. ; )

Hi, I'm Rachael's cousin Deanna. (Rach is typing this out for her). I am 9 years old. Rach has told me much about you guys and I hope she will tell me more things about you. I think it is cool to have my older cousin Rach to stay at my house. (Thank you!! -- You're welcome). In Science I'm doing a terrarium, and I have two boys and two girls in my group. The boys are ICKY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And the girls are cooooooooo-oooooooooo-ooooooooo-lllllllllllllllll Rachael has a puppy face dog on and probably wants me to say she's the best cousin in the world, but she is also leaving out her sister Cait, and my other cousin Emily (cause the boys don't count, that's for sure!). Um..hope to hear more about you soon, DEANNA "What-EV-eeerrrr.....just kidding" (hehe, Dee)

; ) It's fun, been helping her with homework a lot. She dances all the time and whistles, it's pretty cool. She's a sweet kid and always asking if she can help me out. She says interesting things like, "what is a boar? -- an adult male PIG!" and "shake your bootie baby, like your mama don't care" and this is one that Caitlin and I taught her, "girls go to college to get more knowledge, boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider!" hehehe Another one is (she's dictating these to me now), "Umm...." and "AT-(snap)-TI-(snap)-TUDE(snap)" (waving arms in a wavy motion). ; ) Isn't my cousin the calmest person you ever met? (she's telling me to write this, and we are being sarcastic, Dee told me to write this) ; ) Anyways hope to hear from you guys soon, from BOTH of US ; )

Dee (most importantly -- I let her type that), and Rachael (the um...um.....tehehehe....um...no no....hehehe...okay stop, okay sto-o-o-p....RACHAEL....Okay now start writing....hmhmhm....hahmhm...the weirdest person ever to live on earth, but the smart one) hehe from Deanna. That's it.