Happy Early Thanksgiving!!! ; ) I know I'm a day early, but tomorrow I'll be too busy to write what I want to write, so I figured I'd do it now during a quiet moment in the house. So glad to be home for a holiday, sad to miss being with my Mom and Dad, Cait and Jared, but I'll be with my Mom's entire family here, and see all of my cousins so it will still be an awesome time.
So a quick update on me: Have finally started the official physical therapy (it's about time, eh!?) on Monday and let me tell you, it's great! I had an appointment at 8am today and it went well. I started some new exercises that target walking muscles and she stretched out my knee a lot. It hurt a bit, but was worth it! Next week, bring on the weights baby! ; ) Yep...we're going to try going through the exercises with weights strapped around my stump. I have a doctor's appointment in 2 weeks and I'd like to leave there with permission to begin physio with my prosthesis! So the goal for the next 2 weeks is to strengthen this leg....I mean, I have man's arms now, so I need to tone up the rest of my body right? ; ) hehe...It feels good to be told not to be nervous and just move my knee about, try different positions, etc. My therapist is just a few years older than me and really cool and friendly. So the exercises are: quad contractions with my leg straight, terminal extensions, hamstring extensions, and front leg raises with the knee turned slightly out so I don't cheat with my hip/stomach muscles, and the new ones are lying on left side and doing the leg raises with my hip forward just to work the front muscles of the leg, ones that work my gluteus maximus (woo-hoo), where i lie on my stomach and lift my leg up straight back, and lastly ones that target my inner thigh, where i lie on my right side and do a leg lift up with my left leg bent over for balance....Okay why all those details, I dunno, but it helps me writing it out to remember all I need to do. 3 reps of 10 on the new ones, and 3 reps of 12 on the old ones. : ) I am so determined to just gain my independence back! I will not settle for a jelly leg anymore!! : ) ; )
Alright! Thanksgiving!!! I am cooking 10lbs of Mom's baked mashed potatoes! Yikes!
Now, the most important part, I just want to express how blessed I am and how thankful I am for all of those blessings I've received this year. I wish I could name everyone, but I know I'd inadvertently forget someone and feel awful about it, so I'll just say what it is about people I appreciate so much.
This year I was blessed with the opportunity to meet and make so many incredible friends from all over, to study at a place where some of the world's best minds meet, to share my Oxford world with my parents and especially with Caitlin, my sister; In my biggest time of need to have so many warm friends around who made me feel so loved and who sacrificed a lot to help me, to be privileged to become an 'auntie' ; ) to witness the miracle that is life in the birth of little Oxa and sharing with Imelda in her transition into motherhood, to throw colours for Holi, to share in my sister's dream of seeing Ireland, to learn new languages, to meet my friends' families, to come home and hear from friends who I'd left behind in the States, to see my best friend, to stay with family, to sing in Hindi ; ) to make lifelong friends most of whom happen to be from India! ; ) I guess most of all to have the privilege to, as my friends from home tell me I do, to see God in those around me and in those I meet, and to be able to see them through God's loving eyes.
Inspite of bad things that may have happened in my life or in the lives of those who touch mine, I cannot help but see the good things and the blessings coming through. The thing Thanksgiving always reminds me of is hope. Hope for a better future for my friends and family, hope for better health, hope for a better tomorrow, but most of all hope to last when the challenges arise. Because without hope, there is no such thing as faith, and without faith there is no such thing as love.
So to those who know me, I'm thankful for all of you, I'm thankful for all of the times I shared and will share with you. Be blessed this Thanksgiving and if you haven't already, take a few minutes to think about the people and the things you've been blessed with this year. You'd be surprised how many you'll find!
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Me and Sarah, the first time we met! ; )
Beautiful Manjari and me! She was the wonderful girl who took such great care of me after my fall! This is on her birthday!
Aman sent this one to me! Hahahahaha! I wish I was there with you guys! I would've loved to see you dancing! What exactly are y'all doing here? ; )
Me and most of my rescue squad!! : ) (Aarti, Manjari, me, Aman, Sridhar, Niranjan and Cheenu)
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Hello again from Massachusetts! It's official, I start therapy on Monday at 11am. As it turns out, this seems to be an injury-prone time for a lot of people and it's hard to get fitted in for therapy, but they found an opening for me, so no long 3 hours trips into Boston traffic, just a 5 mile drive, and two of my Aunts have offered to alternate taking me. I was feeling kind of bad living at my Uncle's house rent-free, so tonight I cooked up a new pasta recipe with roasted red pepers and garlic....yum! Thankfully it came out great! ; ) I'm glad my Aunt is letting me help around the house, and it's kind of fun helping the kids with homework and being amazed at all the cool stuff they get to do in school (especially science class) that I never did. I played a recorder (like a flute) for the first time in years, it was pretty funny! Ryan's getting really good on his guitar, he's about to sing and play John Lennon's Let It Be for me!!
Saranya, thought of this! You'd be happy, my Aunt has me on a wine kick. I love white wine!!! ; ) My Uncle offered me beer, and I declined for wine instead!! ; )
I played a card game with my Nana today for a little while, and it was hilarious. She's like, "I don't know dear if I remember how to play this game." And then 2 minutes later, "pht, pht, pht, pht" she's discarded all her cards and gone out. 10 rounds, all lost my me, later, we took a break. I was like, "Nan, you kicked my butt!" and she's like, "I sure did!" She asked me if I could make my Mom's famous potatoes....and I said I would, but I need to ask my Aunt about it for Thanksgiving. It's a holiday coming up and I know everyone thinks it's about stuffing your faces, and I think for a lot of people it's sadly lost it's meaning. But, Thanksgiving is a time for family, it's a time to get together as one for a meal. And especially in this day and age in America it's a rare thing to share a family meal at all. For my family, it's a time to remember those who have gone, and be thankful for all we have been blessed with, to remember each other and share how much we mean to each other. Because, no matter what bitterness lies in the past, there is nothing to replace family and the bonds that we share.
I am sad that I'll miss my own family dinner and miss seeing my Pop Pops and my Dad's brother and his family. I haven't seen my Uncle in a few years. But hopefully I'll see them soon. I am so thankful to be with family though, and my family (Mom's side) up in Massachusetts has tried to so hard to make me feel at home, and I do! See, it's the act of loving someone inspite of themselves. You know, inspite of me sometimes laying down the law (so to speak), giving mislaid advice, being a bit bossy sometimes, my family still loves me! ; ) Despite all of our weaknesses, the bond that is family is so much stronger. So, this Thanksgiving coming up, I do have so much to be thankful for! I'm in the mood to share now, but Thanksgiving is in another week, so I'll wait and on the day, give you a summary list of all I'm thankful for.
You know, looking back, even in the bad times, I cannot complain because God was always there. His blessings always came through when I needed them most, and He's never failed me yet.
Today watched news and it's so heartbreaking what is on these days and the amount of hate and crimes against fellow mankind that one could get overwhelmed. I realized how desensitized over the years I've become to things like that. But just the same, I had to tell my cousins to leave, because they are just too young to see the things they show on the news these days. They are already anxious and overly cautious enough as it is. I mean the scariest things now for them are the wind blowing the garbage cans around in a stormy night. I think I'm feeling wicked overprotective of them, but in a way you kind of have to be. I mean if kids grow up only knowing love and laughter, then this world could be a better place! I know it's so idealistic, but I'm sometimes tragically too idealistic.....but one can always hope.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.
And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
Saranya, thought of this! You'd be happy, my Aunt has me on a wine kick. I love white wine!!! ; ) My Uncle offered me beer, and I declined for wine instead!! ; )
I played a card game with my Nana today for a little while, and it was hilarious. She's like, "I don't know dear if I remember how to play this game." And then 2 minutes later, "pht, pht, pht, pht" she's discarded all her cards and gone out. 10 rounds, all lost my me, later, we took a break. I was like, "Nan, you kicked my butt!" and she's like, "I sure did!" She asked me if I could make my Mom's famous potatoes....and I said I would, but I need to ask my Aunt about it for Thanksgiving. It's a holiday coming up and I know everyone thinks it's about stuffing your faces, and I think for a lot of people it's sadly lost it's meaning. But, Thanksgiving is a time for family, it's a time to get together as one for a meal. And especially in this day and age in America it's a rare thing to share a family meal at all. For my family, it's a time to remember those who have gone, and be thankful for all we have been blessed with, to remember each other and share how much we mean to each other. Because, no matter what bitterness lies in the past, there is nothing to replace family and the bonds that we share.
I am sad that I'll miss my own family dinner and miss seeing my Pop Pops and my Dad's brother and his family. I haven't seen my Uncle in a few years. But hopefully I'll see them soon. I am so thankful to be with family though, and my family (Mom's side) up in Massachusetts has tried to so hard to make me feel at home, and I do! See, it's the act of loving someone inspite of themselves. You know, inspite of me sometimes laying down the law (so to speak), giving mislaid advice, being a bit bossy sometimes, my family still loves me! ; ) Despite all of our weaknesses, the bond that is family is so much stronger. So, this Thanksgiving coming up, I do have so much to be thankful for! I'm in the mood to share now, but Thanksgiving is in another week, so I'll wait and on the day, give you a summary list of all I'm thankful for.
You know, looking back, even in the bad times, I cannot complain because God was always there. His blessings always came through when I needed them most, and He's never failed me yet.
Today watched news and it's so heartbreaking what is on these days and the amount of hate and crimes against fellow mankind that one could get overwhelmed. I realized how desensitized over the years I've become to things like that. But just the same, I had to tell my cousins to leave, because they are just too young to see the things they show on the news these days. They are already anxious and overly cautious enough as it is. I mean the scariest things now for them are the wind blowing the garbage cans around in a stormy night. I think I'm feeling wicked overprotective of them, but in a way you kind of have to be. I mean if kids grow up only knowing love and laughter, then this world could be a better place! I know it's so idealistic, but I'm sometimes tragically too idealistic.....but one can always hope.
When I find myself in times of trouble
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
And in my hour of darkness
She is standing right in front of me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
And when the broken hearted people
Living in the world agree,
There will be an answer, let it be.
For though they may be parted there is
Still a chance that they will see
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
Yeah
There will be an answer, let it be.
And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light that shines on me,
Shine on until tomorrow, let it be.
I wake up to the sound of music
Mother Mary comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.
Let it be, let it be.
There will be an answer, let it be.
Let it be, let it be,
Whisper words of wisdom, let it be.
Saturday, November 12, 2005
YES!!!! I am back in the Boston area now indefinitely getting physio and seeing my doctor in the city. But, guess what i am doing now!? It's been over a month since I last listened to Raaga.com, and I am finally able to do so! Bheegey hont is playing now ; ) My Aunt & Uncle's computer is great! It's really nice to be up here with family.....I'm not as down as I have been. I miss all of my friends. A very close friend went through some heart ache recently this week. She's a lot like me....in terms of never rationalising her passion....and some jerk guy took advantage of that. I want to tell her this: Don't ever lose that....
You are such a beautiful girl inside and out! You are a blessing to those who hold you dear and to those all around you. You're selfless, passionate, full of emotion, poetic, caring. You have a wonderful heart that everyone can see. You're a very pretty girl, with nothing to be ashamed of. You're funny and silly when no one else wants to be ; ) You're serious and listen with understanding when someone needs an ear. You're my best friend and I love you so much! This guy doesn't know what he's lost, because he never really knew you. He saw how quickly and easily you 'fell in love' so to say and maybe it scared him, maybe he took advantage of your vulnerability, but please know that there are great guys out there. There are guys who will respect you for you, who will love your passion, who will be appreciative of how deeply you can feel. Don't lose heart, and don't ever think lowly of yourself. Besides, white guys are pretty clueless ; ) ; ) Plus, people, this girl is so talented, she writes her own music, has perfect pitch, plays the piano and flute beautifully, can sing too, and and and, let me add, and she is a talented writer who is currently doing well in law school. ; ) You have so much to offer as a person and don't ever doubt yourself. I know the right guy is out there and when you both meet each other, he'll just love you for you.
I wish I was there to give you a hug
I know it's not exactly a cure
But I recall those times you were there for me
And it was your hug that made me secure
I wish I could erase the pain
I can't, but can only say I know how it feels
Don't question you, you were not wrong
It's your innocense that he steals
Maybe he didn't meant it
But play with your heart he did
Maybe too scared to commit
But create false dreams he did
It's not your fault, don't blame yourself
You are a wonderful girl
This broken heart will renew
It's like a baby pearl
You got a taste of love with a man
But you didn't actually lose your heart
Now you can know and appreciate
When true love does start
Maybe we're idealistic in way too many ways
But seriously, don't ever rationalise
That passion that gives you hope
The right man will surely recognize
Your beautiful heart, your you
A friend not too long ago told me not to rationalise my passion, and he made me appreciate something I had thought was a big weakness. It's not. I can't change who I am, and I can't ever stop giving so much of myself out to others. I can't stop loving so much. It's who I am....and there is someone out there who will understand and appreciate that for me and for my hurting best friend.
You are such a beautiful girl inside and out! You are a blessing to those who hold you dear and to those all around you. You're selfless, passionate, full of emotion, poetic, caring. You have a wonderful heart that everyone can see. You're a very pretty girl, with nothing to be ashamed of. You're funny and silly when no one else wants to be ; ) You're serious and listen with understanding when someone needs an ear. You're my best friend and I love you so much! This guy doesn't know what he's lost, because he never really knew you. He saw how quickly and easily you 'fell in love' so to say and maybe it scared him, maybe he took advantage of your vulnerability, but please know that there are great guys out there. There are guys who will respect you for you, who will love your passion, who will be appreciative of how deeply you can feel. Don't lose heart, and don't ever think lowly of yourself. Besides, white guys are pretty clueless ; ) ; ) Plus, people, this girl is so talented, she writes her own music, has perfect pitch, plays the piano and flute beautifully, can sing too, and and and, let me add, and she is a talented writer who is currently doing well in law school. ; ) You have so much to offer as a person and don't ever doubt yourself. I know the right guy is out there and when you both meet each other, he'll just love you for you.
I wish I was there to give you a hug
I know it's not exactly a cure
But I recall those times you were there for me
And it was your hug that made me secure
I wish I could erase the pain
I can't, but can only say I know how it feels
Don't question you, you were not wrong
It's your innocense that he steals
Maybe he didn't meant it
But play with your heart he did
Maybe too scared to commit
But create false dreams he did
It's not your fault, don't blame yourself
You are a wonderful girl
This broken heart will renew
It's like a baby pearl
You got a taste of love with a man
But you didn't actually lose your heart
Now you can know and appreciate
When true love does start
Maybe we're idealistic in way too many ways
But seriously, don't ever rationalise
That passion that gives you hope
The right man will surely recognize
Your beautiful heart, your you
A friend not too long ago told me not to rationalise my passion, and he made me appreciate something I had thought was a big weakness. It's not. I can't change who I am, and I can't ever stop giving so much of myself out to others. I can't stop loving so much. It's who I am....and there is someone out there who will understand and appreciate that for me and for my hurting best friend.
Sunday, November 06, 2005
Thanks so much Saranya for sending me these pics!!!! This is me after my graduation on 1 Oct!! My family couldn't make it over to England, so it was great to have some of my closest friends there for me!
Here I am with my Graduation 'family' : )
Aarti, Aman and Saranya
Me and Aarti!! She surprised me with a champagne shower!!
It was awesome! ; )
Me and Amanji! Thanks for being there for me and getting all dressed up!
Me and Saranya!! Thanks bhaiya! : ) I know I had some real family there for me.
Stuti and Saranya!! It was so great to graduate with her at the same time!
Here's the whole crew from the MSc class who graduated on 1 Oct
There's Ed, Vedanta, me and Stuti who graduated and ofcourse
Aarti, Saranya and Aman ; )
Was a fun time for all of us, and I have to say Aarti's champagne escapade was the best of it! : ) I have to come back to see the three of you in your DPhil gowns!!! ; )
Monday, October 31, 2005
Before I start here! STU!!!!! I've been trying to email you and I don't think I've got your address right! If you read this, can you send me an email or else just post a reply....is it a "_" or a "." between your first and last names for gmail??? I've sent out emails to both ways, but i'm not sure if it's working! I hope you get this!!!
I'm putting my poem first this time....it's more important than my ramblings!
Today is the last day of October! I can't believe it. I'm back in Virginia, as confused as ever as to what to do with myself and this knee of mine. I need immediate health care, but the problem is I can't afford it and don't have health insurance. I saw my doc in Boston and saw a therapist once....and have my home exercises, but I should be seeing someone again. It's frustrating and it seems like Boston is out. Boston though, is where I qualify for free doctor visits and therapy at the hospital in the city....it's just that I have no means of transport into the city....all my relatives work during the day or else have kids and can't make the trip into the city on a regular basis. My Nana has also expressed some doubt as to my staying with her....and I know it would be too difficult as her house isn't exactly crutches-user friendly and she's dealing with her Alzheimer's. So for now I'm back at my parent's place in Virginia. Oh! My Mom and I tried to see if I could qualify for disability, but because of my education, my physical disability is cancelled in a way. Because I'm educated, I can use my mind at tasks, rather than my mobility. UG! But it's true....here, you have to show that for 12 months you will be absolutely debilitated to even qualify to apply.....it's crazy...they don't really have any options for people like me, stuck in limbo, mid-injury. Oh well....Let's see.
Can I be honest here? I've turned into an absolute poop....i'm a cranky bitch these days and I don't like it. It's not fun, I'm miserable and my parents are miserable. I hate this feeling of disability. I finally told my Mom off and took a shower alone....took me forever to do it....but finally did. I hated having to wait until she had time off from work for me to do it. I felt bad for telling her off and we' ve made up...it's frustrating for both of us. I'm lonely here...there's no one my age to hang out with, socialize with or even talk to. I've got my parents....and then 11 boys on the hall between ages 13-18. What fun!? ; ) Wow...sarcasm too. Sigh....I don't like being like this. Today I resolved to have a good day and just get on with life as best I can for now...and what do ya know? but the pain in my knee comes back....but hey...it's okay....I'm dealing....I've got 2 dogs as daily companions....one, poor girl, is getting old....that's my Gussie. She's so sweet....but a stinker none-the-less....and then there's Toula....who is the epitomy of all evil....and I mean that 100%....this dog, jumps and climbs and sits on top of you when you are seated in a chair or on the couch...she doesn't seem to understand that you are not her pillow....she wakes you up in the middle of the night (either by said act; as the couch is my bed for further notice), or else with a very cold, very wet nose, planted into your cheek, face, or neck.....and then she runs away, lays down the floor and looks and acts like she didn't do anything wrong....so when i protest in the middle of the night, or else cry out in pain (as my leg/brace seems to be a favorite target of hers)...my Dad comes out and tells me to be quiet and get to bed....but it's her!!! She also chews anything imaginable....it's hard to keep up with her....she's spoiled!! Gussie's even lost any sort of training I had given her while growing up! Eiyeiyeiyeiyei!
It was nice this weekend, my best friend called me and we talked for 2 hours....it was great. She's 2 1/2 hours away from me back at W&L where we both went for Undergrad, she's there at Law School. It would be nice to visit there again. I know my friend Jasmine is nearby, and I'm hoping to call her....I need to find all my US friends' phone numbers! I miss Abbie too, but she's very far away in Arkansas....and then all of my friends back in Oxford, in India, in Indonesia, in the Solomon Islands....everywhere....I feel kind of cut off from everyone these days. The computer is in my parents' room and I need my Dad to turn it on and sign in....so if I forget to ask when he and my Mom go on the hall to work with the boys...well, it's too late. See since this is a school for troubled teens, and we're on their network....I can't even do normal things like listen to Raaga.com (I'm dying!!!!)....visit some Oxford websites....look up some things....it's so annoying!! Plus my Dad has the password to sign-in...and won't give it to me...dunno why...but he won't. I can't even download yahoo instant messenger or msn and that's killing me, cause I know I'd be able to catch almost all of my friends on that....anyways, life has to go on somehow.
So today, I'm going to try to email as many people as I can.....spoke to my sis yesterday, which was cool...she's been cooking my recipes!! ; ) These are ones I did once in Oxford: my Greek chicken and the Salsa dip thingi I had made. I owe Imelda my corn pudding recipe!!! I will email that out to you right away!!!
One funny thing I have to share: My arms have turned into man's arms!!!!! I feel like they've doubled in size, along with my shoulders....sigh...but I've got more definition and toning in my arms than I ever wished for, and than most guys i know!!....wish that would extend to my stomach!! ; ) It's from the crutches and me pushing myself to move around more....I even put music on the other day (my Dad's old records, including that Greek one!) and danced around with my crutches....but the only sort of dance-like thing I can do is....THE TWIST!!! ; ) hahahaha...got an abdominal workout there....and also was spent for the rest of the day! It was fun, except when Toula went nuts cause she got nervous with my 'dancing skills' and ran around the room mulitple times, bouncing like a ping-pong ball (or wait...table tennis ball, for Saranya) off the couch. She nearly knocked me over and started barking and growling at me. The funny thing with her is, she's big dog...she's like I don't know 50-60 pounds....but her bark is like a yap and her growl is hysterical....she's no more ferocious than a goldfish! ; ) So i started laughing, which set her off even more....had to stop when Gussie got in on the act, her bark is much louder than her bite, but she's an old gal, and she's the boss.
I hope all my friends are doing well! I'm sorry if I haven't been in good touch....but please know that I am thinking of you all the time and miss you a ton....I have two friends in Connecticut...Charity and Kim....hope they are doing well! Kim you'll graduate soon with a Masters in Psych! And then there's Mrs. Kim ; ) She's nearby too and has become Mommy Kim I think by now. I haven't found people's phone numbers and their new email addresses were saved in my Herald webmail...which i was stupid enough to forget to copy down. So for now, am going through my things and hopefully you guys will get a call from me soon! My cell phone isn't mine anymore, the lovely brother of mine, Jared, has taken it over in my Oxford absence....so feel free to call him and bug him -- he needs it!
I'm putting my poem first this time....it's more important than my ramblings!
Julia, I know what you mean about saying good-bye
And how all those tears seem to have gone dry
You think you've let go to the things from before
Only to find them knocking at your heart's door
I think we're meant to really hold on
Yet in the process let go of things that are gone
I know it's sounds off and not quite right
But I think it's a battle we all have to fight
We hold on to memories and our friends we held dear
But we let go of those daily bonds which kept us near
We can't see each other and talk and laugh like we did
But we aren't completely lost, heaven forbid
We have just found a different place
Since we don't meet face to face
It's one that lies deep in our hearts and our mind
It's a special spot, one of it's kind
It's reserved for those we want to see, but cannot
It's for those after which we always sought
You know those dinners and late night chats
The teas, baby talk, an Indo-Pak match
It's for the ones who made us smile
It's for each one's unique style
Punting for the first time, London town
Champagne and a heavy graduation gown
You, me and Imelda at the John Radcliffe
Little Oxa, who gave our hearts a lift
For me, cooking rajmah for everyone
With special classmates, lots of fun
Under the influence of Brits and Indonesians
But ultimately won over by all those Indians
We both found a home together
And a close cirlce of friends that distance cannot sever
I miss you a lot and I think of you often
It's our shared smiles that helps my pain to soften
Though we might not always keep in touch
I hope you all know that I love you so much
Today is the last day of October! I can't believe it. I'm back in Virginia, as confused as ever as to what to do with myself and this knee of mine. I need immediate health care, but the problem is I can't afford it and don't have health insurance. I saw my doc in Boston and saw a therapist once....and have my home exercises, but I should be seeing someone again. It's frustrating and it seems like Boston is out. Boston though, is where I qualify for free doctor visits and therapy at the hospital in the city....it's just that I have no means of transport into the city....all my relatives work during the day or else have kids and can't make the trip into the city on a regular basis. My Nana has also expressed some doubt as to my staying with her....and I know it would be too difficult as her house isn't exactly crutches-user friendly and she's dealing with her Alzheimer's. So for now I'm back at my parent's place in Virginia. Oh! My Mom and I tried to see if I could qualify for disability, but because of my education, my physical disability is cancelled in a way. Because I'm educated, I can use my mind at tasks, rather than my mobility. UG! But it's true....here, you have to show that for 12 months you will be absolutely debilitated to even qualify to apply.....it's crazy...they don't really have any options for people like me, stuck in limbo, mid-injury. Oh well....Let's see.
Can I be honest here? I've turned into an absolute poop....i'm a cranky bitch these days and I don't like it. It's not fun, I'm miserable and my parents are miserable. I hate this feeling of disability. I finally told my Mom off and took a shower alone....took me forever to do it....but finally did. I hated having to wait until she had time off from work for me to do it. I felt bad for telling her off and we' ve made up...it's frustrating for both of us. I'm lonely here...there's no one my age to hang out with, socialize with or even talk to. I've got my parents....and then 11 boys on the hall between ages 13-18. What fun!? ; ) Wow...sarcasm too. Sigh....I don't like being like this. Today I resolved to have a good day and just get on with life as best I can for now...and what do ya know? but the pain in my knee comes back....but hey...it's okay....I'm dealing....I've got 2 dogs as daily companions....one, poor girl, is getting old....that's my Gussie. She's so sweet....but a stinker none-the-less....and then there's Toula....who is the epitomy of all evil....and I mean that 100%....this dog, jumps and climbs and sits on top of you when you are seated in a chair or on the couch...she doesn't seem to understand that you are not her pillow....she wakes you up in the middle of the night (either by said act; as the couch is my bed for further notice), or else with a very cold, very wet nose, planted into your cheek, face, or neck.....and then she runs away, lays down the floor and looks and acts like she didn't do anything wrong....so when i protest in the middle of the night, or else cry out in pain (as my leg/brace seems to be a favorite target of hers)...my Dad comes out and tells me to be quiet and get to bed....but it's her!!! She also chews anything imaginable....it's hard to keep up with her....she's spoiled!! Gussie's even lost any sort of training I had given her while growing up! Eiyeiyeiyeiyei!
It was nice this weekend, my best friend called me and we talked for 2 hours....it was great. She's 2 1/2 hours away from me back at W&L where we both went for Undergrad, she's there at Law School. It would be nice to visit there again. I know my friend Jasmine is nearby, and I'm hoping to call her....I need to find all my US friends' phone numbers! I miss Abbie too, but she's very far away in Arkansas....and then all of my friends back in Oxford, in India, in Indonesia, in the Solomon Islands....everywhere....I feel kind of cut off from everyone these days. The computer is in my parents' room and I need my Dad to turn it on and sign in....so if I forget to ask when he and my Mom go on the hall to work with the boys...well, it's too late. See since this is a school for troubled teens, and we're on their network....I can't even do normal things like listen to Raaga.com (I'm dying!!!!)....visit some Oxford websites....look up some things....it's so annoying!! Plus my Dad has the password to sign-in...and won't give it to me...dunno why...but he won't. I can't even download yahoo instant messenger or msn and that's killing me, cause I know I'd be able to catch almost all of my friends on that....anyways, life has to go on somehow.
So today, I'm going to try to email as many people as I can.....spoke to my sis yesterday, which was cool...she's been cooking my recipes!! ; ) These are ones I did once in Oxford: my Greek chicken and the Salsa dip thingi I had made. I owe Imelda my corn pudding recipe!!! I will email that out to you right away!!!
One funny thing I have to share: My arms have turned into man's arms!!!!! I feel like they've doubled in size, along with my shoulders....sigh...but I've got more definition and toning in my arms than I ever wished for, and than most guys i know!!....wish that would extend to my stomach!! ; ) It's from the crutches and me pushing myself to move around more....I even put music on the other day (my Dad's old records, including that Greek one!) and danced around with my crutches....but the only sort of dance-like thing I can do is....THE TWIST!!! ; ) hahahaha...got an abdominal workout there....and also was spent for the rest of the day! It was fun, except when Toula went nuts cause she got nervous with my 'dancing skills' and ran around the room mulitple times, bouncing like a ping-pong ball (or wait...table tennis ball, for Saranya) off the couch. She nearly knocked me over and started barking and growling at me. The funny thing with her is, she's big dog...she's like I don't know 50-60 pounds....but her bark is like a yap and her growl is hysterical....she's no more ferocious than a goldfish! ; ) So i started laughing, which set her off even more....had to stop when Gussie got in on the act, her bark is much louder than her bite, but she's an old gal, and she's the boss.
I hope all my friends are doing well! I'm sorry if I haven't been in good touch....but please know that I am thinking of you all the time and miss you a ton....I have two friends in Connecticut...Charity and Kim....hope they are doing well! Kim you'll graduate soon with a Masters in Psych! And then there's Mrs. Kim ; ) She's nearby too and has become Mommy Kim I think by now. I haven't found people's phone numbers and their new email addresses were saved in my Herald webmail...which i was stupid enough to forget to copy down. So for now, am going through my things and hopefully you guys will get a call from me soon! My cell phone isn't mine anymore, the lovely brother of mine, Jared, has taken it over in my Oxford absence....so feel free to call him and bug him -- he needs it!
Friday, October 21, 2005
hi everyone! i am now in Boston where I'm being treated for my dislocated knee. it's looking good, thus far....well...yeah. so, the low-down is this: Wed saw the surgeon who had done my amputation, he said cast off, knee healing niclely and fitted me with a knee brace. Thurs: cranky, cranky day...started my physio (physical therapy)....ouch, aahhhh, booo..... :*( Didn't realize how weak my leg had become just being immobilized for 16 days, but jelly is the only word i can think of to describe it. the therapist asked me to contract my quad muscle....and i was like, "grrr..." and got this wimpy little blip of a contraction....so....am grit determined to work as hard as i can to get better. my therapist says i'll be dancing again by New Year's....let's hope so. I didn't realize how much of a long haul it would be.
Anyways, today is Friday, I'm writing from my Aunt and Uncle's computer while my cousin Ryan practices guitar. He's good guys!! : ) They live across the street from my Nana. Let me say, staying with your grandmother can be very dangerous for the mid-section....wow....and even though i tell her, "Nana, whew...i can't eat another bite"....she pulls out a cookie...or a pudding...or something and insists i eat it....yikes. I took a shower here, as they have a first floor bathroom....oh it was glorious....finally after 21 days with no shower....I am a new woman! ; ) YES!!! My Mom nearly had a heart attack helping me out these days with that and my home exercises from therapy. I have to do them 4 - 6 times a day....4 for now since i've just begun. they are the most simple things....laying with my leg elevated and lower leg supported, contracting my quad for 5 secs at a time....36 of those (but should be doing it thru out the day constantly)....then terminal extensions, where my leg hangs down at a bend, and i just lift my lower leg up and down....3 reps of 12...and who knew i'd be pooped after this! but last one is hamstring exercises, where i need help turning over onto my stomach and then a pillow goes under my quad, and then i bend my leg upwards.
Full knee rotation is 130 degrees....and i have right now...or thursday at evaluation....drum roll please, am impressive....huge number of ...... 40!!!!! :*( hehe....i was like, oh boy, by next week, let's double it....the therapist was like, "hold on there young lady...you work to the pain, not thru it!" let's see....am determined to get better....and now my stubborn streak is kicking in! See...i never felt disabled before....ever...with my prosthesis....and now I truly am....my 'foot's been taken away from me....i'm stuck.
I'll keep my progress posted....have two more sessions of home exercise to go! today is much better...for the last two days i was in a huge amount of pain, but today not so bad....i just over did it a bit doing the last set of exercises.
Anyways, today is Friday, I'm writing from my Aunt and Uncle's computer while my cousin Ryan practices guitar. He's good guys!! : ) They live across the street from my Nana. Let me say, staying with your grandmother can be very dangerous for the mid-section....wow....and even though i tell her, "Nana, whew...i can't eat another bite"....she pulls out a cookie...or a pudding...or something and insists i eat it....yikes. I took a shower here, as they have a first floor bathroom....oh it was glorious....finally after 21 days with no shower....I am a new woman! ; ) YES!!! My Mom nearly had a heart attack helping me out these days with that and my home exercises from therapy. I have to do them 4 - 6 times a day....4 for now since i've just begun. they are the most simple things....laying with my leg elevated and lower leg supported, contracting my quad for 5 secs at a time....36 of those (but should be doing it thru out the day constantly)....then terminal extensions, where my leg hangs down at a bend, and i just lift my lower leg up and down....3 reps of 12...and who knew i'd be pooped after this! but last one is hamstring exercises, where i need help turning over onto my stomach and then a pillow goes under my quad, and then i bend my leg upwards.
Full knee rotation is 130 degrees....and i have right now...or thursday at evaluation....drum roll please, am impressive....huge number of ...... 40!!!!! :*( hehe....i was like, oh boy, by next week, let's double it....the therapist was like, "hold on there young lady...you work to the pain, not thru it!" let's see....am determined to get better....and now my stubborn streak is kicking in! See...i never felt disabled before....ever...with my prosthesis....and now I truly am....my 'foot's been taken away from me....i'm stuck.
I'll keep my progress posted....have two more sessions of home exercise to go! today is much better...for the last two days i was in a huge amount of pain, but today not so bad....i just over did it a bit doing the last set of exercises.
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
The last few weeks have been both incredible, sad, and scary, and now I have reached my last night in Oxford, sitting alone with my thoughts....she smiles as a tear slides down her cheek.
Where to begin?? Let's just list the important events....am all senti already ;)
Lots of sad farewells since Mitashi's: Stuti's in particular, Chandru too....Chandru how did your huge suprise go? I am sure your family was so happy to see you, the best surprise for a mother is to see her children! Stuti, I am praying for you and yours...what a privilege to see your parents again and meet your brother. I am thinking of you often...and hey, I love the rings you left...I can wear them on both feet! and the bags are beautiful...thank you. I will come to see you in Ahmdebad ofcourse!
I graduated!!! Yeah!!! I'll get pics from Saranya later, but I had part of my Oxford 'family' there: bhaiyahji Saranya, anuj Aman, and ofcourse, Aarti, meri pyaari dost! Who happened to have so much guts, she doused me with champagne and half the population of oxford too ;) hehe...thanks guys, it meant so much to look up and see you all waving at me! : ) So, I am now: Rachael Elaina Mallis, MSc...hm...nawww...just call me Rach still please....i haven't changed that much.
There were many nice get togethers and parties, with some crazy head banging by Sri and Saranya...oh guys...please send me a copy of that video or else put in on the OIS website!!!!!! :D
But there was also the fateful night, which brings me to my quiet reflection. I'm stuck now with nothing to do and no one around....and can't move out on my own. Haha, those who know me best know I am the most independent person ever, in terms of physical movements...and here I am stuck, unable to move, and it's not because of my prosthesis, it's because of another injury. I am in a full blue cast (which I will try to get ppl to sign!) on my whole little leg!!
What happened? Well, the singer broke her leg (literally) on stage ;) Yes...I slipped on some water in the kitchen while going for water at my graduation party, and dislocated my knee. I can laugh and joke now...but I have to be honest, it was the most horrible pain I have ever felt in my entire life....I kept screaming out for Saranya. I saw my knee too....and that was the scariest part...and I think I really was one of those 'trouble' patients...I fought the pain medicine...I just had trouble thinking beyond the pain and when I tried to think of something else, tried to breathe deeply, all I could think of was, "oh great, you've done a number on yourself" or "oh God!! please don't let them take off my prosthesis" or "Saranya, make the pain stop"....I guess it was pretty dramatic...but you know what, I wouldn't have done it anywhere else. All of my friends were there with me....Manjari was amazing, she held me the whole time and kept talking to me in my ear, Saranya ofcourse was there, and held my knee and explained everything that was going on...he took incredible care of me....Aman was there, he called the ambulance, and has arranged for taxis to get me from here to there, Aarti tried to lift me when I initially fell and could you believe the girl, she did. Sridhar was there, Halim was there, Niranjan was there, Sarah was there, Divya was there....All these guys...they packed a bag for me, Manjari and Saranya came to the hospital in the ambulance with me, and all of these guys have visited me at Manjari's and sat with me for hours. I am so blessed to have such friends.....
And I had plans too...I was hoping to cook a final dinner goodbye for all of them, I was hoping to go buy gifts to leave behind....deliver letters telling each one how much they mean...but maybe I don't have to...Maybe everyone knows how much I care and appreciate them. I hope so....(pause, crying now....have been trying to be funny or atleast have good humor, but it's not working)....
There's a song that I keep singing in the back of my head...you know I've sung in Indonesian, Hindi mostly, and even Spanish for everyone, but haven't sung an English song. The one I would've sung to say goodbye is this one....it applies to all of my friends here, both near and dear....and those who have left...those who remain....first let me say, the hardest part of holding on is letting go.... ;) it's time for me to let go...and I so desperately don't want to.
When I'm down, when my soul's in need of rest
Come your words of comfort and of hope
I see your face, always smiling back at me
A stream of light shining straight to the heart
Child of God, Child of Light
There'll be no more lonely nights
Cause you have brightened up my life
There's a road that leads me to this place
A path of love, running straight to the heart
Over the years, I've learned one important thing
It's that real friends
Shall never truly be apart
You were there in my darkest time of need
With a hand, reaching straight to the heart
Child of God, Child of LIght
There'll be no more lonely nights
Cause you have brightened up my life
Take this gift, it is all I have to give
A prayer of love, forever straight to the heart
So, now tonight I will stay my last night at Saranya's place, and I think have Shreya crashed....aaahh, more crying...Mom, Cait, you'd be so happy (Shreya, Cait loves you, haha...you took her place, seriously!)...Shreya plucked my eyebrows for the first time for my graduation! Woo-hoo...miracles can happen, eh? So tonight, she's gonna trim my hair, make me slightly presentable, so when I reach the US of A again...I'll look American....but...I'll talk, dress, and eat like an Indian tho!
I hate goodbyes, but I always want to make sure I tell each person how I feel....I want them to know incase we don't meet again. I want them to know just how much this year has meant to me, how much each one has given me, how much I cannot ever repay, how much I love them, how much I've learned from them, how much I'll miss them, and how much.....how much....how much i love them again....
Oxford is just a place, but the people that I have met...my friends, my 'family,' they made it home. I feel almost like I am leaving home again. And I wish it didn't hurt so much....it hurts more deeply than any dislocated knee ever could.
Where to begin?? Let's just list the important events....am all senti already ;)
Lots of sad farewells since Mitashi's: Stuti's in particular, Chandru too....Chandru how did your huge suprise go? I am sure your family was so happy to see you, the best surprise for a mother is to see her children! Stuti, I am praying for you and yours...what a privilege to see your parents again and meet your brother. I am thinking of you often...and hey, I love the rings you left...I can wear them on both feet! and the bags are beautiful...thank you. I will come to see you in Ahmdebad ofcourse!
I graduated!!! Yeah!!! I'll get pics from Saranya later, but I had part of my Oxford 'family' there: bhaiyahji Saranya, anuj Aman, and ofcourse, Aarti, meri pyaari dost! Who happened to have so much guts, she doused me with champagne and half the population of oxford too ;) hehe...thanks guys, it meant so much to look up and see you all waving at me! : ) So, I am now: Rachael Elaina Mallis, MSc...hm...nawww...just call me Rach still please....i haven't changed that much.
There were many nice get togethers and parties, with some crazy head banging by Sri and Saranya...oh guys...please send me a copy of that video or else put in on the OIS website!!!!!! :D
But there was also the fateful night, which brings me to my quiet reflection. I'm stuck now with nothing to do and no one around....and can't move out on my own. Haha, those who know me best know I am the most independent person ever, in terms of physical movements...and here I am stuck, unable to move, and it's not because of my prosthesis, it's because of another injury. I am in a full blue cast (which I will try to get ppl to sign!) on my whole little leg!!
What happened? Well, the singer broke her leg (literally) on stage ;) Yes...I slipped on some water in the kitchen while going for water at my graduation party, and dislocated my knee. I can laugh and joke now...but I have to be honest, it was the most horrible pain I have ever felt in my entire life....I kept screaming out for Saranya. I saw my knee too....and that was the scariest part...and I think I really was one of those 'trouble' patients...I fought the pain medicine...I just had trouble thinking beyond the pain and when I tried to think of something else, tried to breathe deeply, all I could think of was, "oh great, you've done a number on yourself" or "oh God!! please don't let them take off my prosthesis" or "Saranya, make the pain stop"....I guess it was pretty dramatic...but you know what, I wouldn't have done it anywhere else. All of my friends were there with me....Manjari was amazing, she held me the whole time and kept talking to me in my ear, Saranya ofcourse was there, and held my knee and explained everything that was going on...he took incredible care of me....Aman was there, he called the ambulance, and has arranged for taxis to get me from here to there, Aarti tried to lift me when I initially fell and could you believe the girl, she did. Sridhar was there, Halim was there, Niranjan was there, Sarah was there, Divya was there....All these guys...they packed a bag for me, Manjari and Saranya came to the hospital in the ambulance with me, and all of these guys have visited me at Manjari's and sat with me for hours. I am so blessed to have such friends.....
And I had plans too...I was hoping to cook a final dinner goodbye for all of them, I was hoping to go buy gifts to leave behind....deliver letters telling each one how much they mean...but maybe I don't have to...Maybe everyone knows how much I care and appreciate them. I hope so....(pause, crying now....have been trying to be funny or atleast have good humor, but it's not working)....
There's a song that I keep singing in the back of my head...you know I've sung in Indonesian, Hindi mostly, and even Spanish for everyone, but haven't sung an English song. The one I would've sung to say goodbye is this one....it applies to all of my friends here, both near and dear....and those who have left...those who remain....first let me say, the hardest part of holding on is letting go.... ;) it's time for me to let go...and I so desperately don't want to.
When I'm down, when my soul's in need of rest
Come your words of comfort and of hope
I see your face, always smiling back at me
A stream of light shining straight to the heart
Child of God, Child of Light
There'll be no more lonely nights
Cause you have brightened up my life
There's a road that leads me to this place
A path of love, running straight to the heart
Over the years, I've learned one important thing
It's that real friends
Shall never truly be apart
You were there in my darkest time of need
With a hand, reaching straight to the heart
Child of God, Child of LIght
There'll be no more lonely nights
Cause you have brightened up my life
Take this gift, it is all I have to give
A prayer of love, forever straight to the heart
So, now tonight I will stay my last night at Saranya's place, and I think have Shreya crashed....aaahh, more crying...Mom, Cait, you'd be so happy (Shreya, Cait loves you, haha...you took her place, seriously!)...Shreya plucked my eyebrows for the first time for my graduation! Woo-hoo...miracles can happen, eh? So tonight, she's gonna trim my hair, make me slightly presentable, so when I reach the US of A again...I'll look American....but...I'll talk, dress, and eat like an Indian tho!
I hate goodbyes, but I always want to make sure I tell each person how I feel....I want them to know incase we don't meet again. I want them to know just how much this year has meant to me, how much each one has given me, how much I cannot ever repay, how much I love them, how much I've learned from them, how much I'll miss them, and how much.....how much....how much i love them again....
Oxford is just a place, but the people that I have met...my friends, my 'family,' they made it home. I feel almost like I am leaving home again. And I wish it didn't hurt so much....it hurts more deeply than any dislocated knee ever could.
Sunday, September 25, 2005
Last night, I heard the veena played live for the first time by my friend Manjari. Wow. It was so beautiful and she played so gracefully. The sound is so hard to put into words except to say it is haunting in a way, rich in tone, and I think when played by someone who obviously loves the instrument and music, really speaks to you if you're willing to sit back, listen, and just let the music take you places. We have nothing quite so pretty as that in the States.
I remember when I was little my Dad had this old records (yes, we're talking like, the big black records) of classical Indian and Greek music (my dad being Greek). So he used to play them for us when we were little. We used to get so excited playing with my Mom's sari and kaftans from India and this peacock feather fan she had. You know, I almost had a bhaiyah? But because my parents were only engaged, they wouldn't allow the adoption. My Mom still thinks of that little boy. But back to the records....so my Dad would play them a lot, and I remember him putting on the Greek ones and making us dance around the table in the living room. From an early age...always dancing dancing dancing round that table to lively Greek music. I forget the steps now, but it was so much fun. Am sure anyone peaking into the windows would've been scandalized. Look at that Pastor and his kids...dancing like banchees around that table, jumping everywhere, spinning, laughing....tsk tsk so not proper.
I think we were lucky in our upbringing. I mean, my Dad tried to be strict and sometimes I think he was, but he never suffocated us. I know my parents sacrificed a lot to let us do and have the things which really define us today. They paid for my sister's dance lessons, and she danced for 14 years. (May sound biased here) I used to love going to her recitals, because she was the best one as far as I was concerned. Her feet were always properly placed (she did ballet), and she stepped so gracefully up onto her toes. I remember when she was learning seeing her wrapping her feet up and bandaids everywhere, but when she danced you never knew it. She did modern, lyrical and jazz dancing too, which I loved to watch. We both played flute, my sis even 'upgrading' to the piccolo! I wish I had mine here, because I used to play all the time. I sang in choirs. At one point my parents paid for me to have a few voice lessons when I was 13, and in high school my band director gave my sister and I lessons. That's when we started singing together for school talent shows. I mean, no voice ever fits with yours or harmonizes with yours like your sisters : ) I loved those times. Hahaha, sorry...funny memory here. We did a Jeckyl & Hyde themed show one year, where I sang a song, "No One Knows Who I Am" where I was s'posed to sing the word "Damn!!" but, was so nervous with my parents there, I sang the first verse again...haha...chickened out...but then my Sis and I did a duet called, "In His Eyes." That was so great. But I remember singing it at home at Christmastime, and my Mom taping us. This was late at night, and we were trying to 'stage' it. I just kept singing the wrong words, and Cait would sit there, and go "UUHHHHH..." (rolling of eyes, shaking of head). Cut, retake. ; ) And then in the most romantic moment of the song, it's quiet and I start off with, "Will his eyes reveal to me, promises or lies?" and Cait goes, "but he can't conceal from me..." (supposed to be "the love in his eyes"). Except, needless to say, turkey does this to you, and beans...i mean c'mon....needless to say, I let loose a really big one....caught on tape of all things." Hehehe...oh boy, was she mad. Anyways, yeah....fun days.
My parents got me into horseback riding when I was younger. From second grade through 6th grade I was riding. I used to go and muck stalls just to be near the horses. I love horses. I loved the feeling of riding them, being free to go whereever and however fast you pleased. Making friends. It's hard to explain but the horses I rode became friends. I remember my first big fall from a horse, Anna. This beautiful small Arabian mare. She was one of the sweetest dispositioned horses I knew. We were cantering for one of the first times, and my foot came out of the stirrup and I got off balance....so I slid off the side of her, and was dragged for about 20 feet by my real foot which was stuck in the other stirrup. Thankfully the saddle I was using had these safety features where if enough pressure is applied the stirrup snaps off from the saddle. So that happened. I had my helmet on yeah, so didn't hit my head, just a thud, and whoosh thru the sawdust and dirt in the arena. Anna stopped immediately and came over. I felt her felt soft nose nudging my cheek. She had come back and was checking on me. I was afraid to get back on, but I did, and do you know she gave me the smoothest ride ever. I think she was careful.
And then there was Jared, my little brother, the sports star. Mr. Football. I can remember as a kid, him doing gymnastics, this wicked skinny, big headed, flexible boy jumping around, doing somersaults at the age of like 5. And then soccer, we have on video this game from a mixed boys and girls team, and Jared, at age 5, pushing a girl down from his own team, so he could get the ball. What a little man! : ) Next was Little League baseball. I remember going to all his games and cheering for him. He played 2nd base or right field. In school he played all sports, football, basketball and baseball. In high school though, he became a football star (Mr. Homecoming King himself). Was not there to witness it, but when I was home, I used to go to all his games. He hated when we cheered for him, but c'mon...that's my job to torture and embarass him infront of his friends, hehe. But it was so cool. I wish I hadn't been so far away for college, because I always missed his football seasons. But we used to sit and watch sports together all the time (sometimes not by my choice...). So every Superbowl, World Series, even the Stanley Cup for hockey...we watched. I knew more than I ever wanted about sports, especially football.
The cool thing is, I can go home now and teach him a sport or two. Rugby, yeah...and cricket. I fell in love with cricket here. Wow. I never expected it. My friend Sahir had tried desperately hard to teach the game to me before I came here, and I was hopeless. Even he gave up, and yes, he even tried to teach me Hindi, and gave up. Haha. But I come here, and my friends rope me into cricket before I know what's going on. It was great. I loved going to the India matches, and even though I was scared to death, had fun playing in that one match. Haha...So let's see if I can start a cricket revolution in the States when I go home! : )
But, sorry, back to my parents. So many memories flying through my mind, what to share? :) I think I was lucky, because my parents instilled in me a love for other people. They exposed me to my first new culture: Indian, from an early age. They opened their home up in college to my closest friends, Miri and Abbie. They asked questions and wanted to learn. That's what was so cool, I felt as though I could bring these cultures I had come to be a part of home with me. Mirioni...my best friend....chingu...saranghe, an yoooonnnnggg!! :) Abbie, nina ku penda rafiki yangu....Bwana asifiwe! I got my parents hooked on Kenyan chai tea!! My Dad, who swears he will never touch a drop of tea ever....now asks me to make it when I come home. He's looking forward to eating 'real' Indian food too. Haha, so the pressure's on. I mean, basically my parents encouraged me to think outside my own world and see the world through other eyes, walk in others shoes....embrace other's uniqueness, just as I wanted my own to be. My Dad's said from early on that he thinks I'll live and marry internationally. Haha...Can I share something funny? I think my Dad's a bit disappointed I didn't meet anyone here in Oxford. He was convinced I would...well, so I was I probably too. But, yeah....he's like, "how will you meet someone international if you come home?" hahaha. But I know my Dad wants me home. ; )
I'm looking forward to seeing friends I've been away from. Kim is having her first born son any day now (I was a bridesmaid in her wedding before coming here), Miri's in law school at W&L, Abbie's in Arkansas, Jasmine is in Baltimore (Ball-more), Kim is in CT finishing up her MSc in Psych....Charity is also in CT. And then me....hahaha, oh boy, who would've thought, homeless, jobless, penniless. But with too many places to go, and not enough time to see everyone left behind back home.
Miri, can I share this? :) I remember Miri's and my first year together in undergrad. We were discussing guys we could marry. This girl was very firm: 100% Korean, not Korean American, but Korean!! hahaha, so as we've progressed over the years together, she's come slightly over to my side of things, and has informed me that a Korean American would do for her too! : ) But this is her dream match for us: me marry a Korean, her marry a Korean American. Hahaha. Guys, the three of us are gonna be back together soon. The Three Amigas....or three troublemakers, however you might view it. Abbie....Rach.....Miri....ARM ; )
But you guys have to accept me now....according to Miri, Jared, my Dad, my sis, my accent has changed so much they don't recognize me anymore. Miri and Dad said I sounded almost Indian and British. Cait said British, and Jared just had to hang up on me because he couldn't take it. He's like, "your not my sister" and Miri was like, "you are not my best friend." Guys, I swear it's me. : ) Sometimes new friends leave lasting impressions....so don't be surprised if you hear a few Hindi words coming from this mouth yaar ; ) Sometimes new friends feel just like 'old' friends....and I know I have many lifelong friends here in Oxford.
Gosh, I am a hodge podge of things now!! : ) Feeling a bit less senti about going home....looking forward to it. But still apprehensive and sad nonetheless.
I remember when I was little my Dad had this old records (yes, we're talking like, the big black records) of classical Indian and Greek music (my dad being Greek). So he used to play them for us when we were little. We used to get so excited playing with my Mom's sari and kaftans from India and this peacock feather fan she had. You know, I almost had a bhaiyah? But because my parents were only engaged, they wouldn't allow the adoption. My Mom still thinks of that little boy. But back to the records....so my Dad would play them a lot, and I remember him putting on the Greek ones and making us dance around the table in the living room. From an early age...always dancing dancing dancing round that table to lively Greek music. I forget the steps now, but it was so much fun. Am sure anyone peaking into the windows would've been scandalized. Look at that Pastor and his kids...dancing like banchees around that table, jumping everywhere, spinning, laughing....tsk tsk so not proper.
I think we were lucky in our upbringing. I mean, my Dad tried to be strict and sometimes I think he was, but he never suffocated us. I know my parents sacrificed a lot to let us do and have the things which really define us today. They paid for my sister's dance lessons, and she danced for 14 years. (May sound biased here) I used to love going to her recitals, because she was the best one as far as I was concerned. Her feet were always properly placed (she did ballet), and she stepped so gracefully up onto her toes. I remember when she was learning seeing her wrapping her feet up and bandaids everywhere, but when she danced you never knew it. She did modern, lyrical and jazz dancing too, which I loved to watch. We both played flute, my sis even 'upgrading' to the piccolo! I wish I had mine here, because I used to play all the time. I sang in choirs. At one point my parents paid for me to have a few voice lessons when I was 13, and in high school my band director gave my sister and I lessons. That's when we started singing together for school talent shows. I mean, no voice ever fits with yours or harmonizes with yours like your sisters : ) I loved those times. Hahaha, sorry...funny memory here. We did a Jeckyl & Hyde themed show one year, where I sang a song, "No One Knows Who I Am" where I was s'posed to sing the word "Damn!!" but, was so nervous with my parents there, I sang the first verse again...haha...chickened out...but then my Sis and I did a duet called, "In His Eyes." That was so great. But I remember singing it at home at Christmastime, and my Mom taping us. This was late at night, and we were trying to 'stage' it. I just kept singing the wrong words, and Cait would sit there, and go "UUHHHHH..." (rolling of eyes, shaking of head). Cut, retake. ; ) And then in the most romantic moment of the song, it's quiet and I start off with, "Will his eyes reveal to me, promises or lies?" and Cait goes, "but he can't conceal from me..." (supposed to be "the love in his eyes"). Except, needless to say, turkey does this to you, and beans...i mean c'mon....needless to say, I let loose a really big one....caught on tape of all things." Hehehe...oh boy, was she mad. Anyways, yeah....fun days.
My parents got me into horseback riding when I was younger. From second grade through 6th grade I was riding. I used to go and muck stalls just to be near the horses. I love horses. I loved the feeling of riding them, being free to go whereever and however fast you pleased. Making friends. It's hard to explain but the horses I rode became friends. I remember my first big fall from a horse, Anna. This beautiful small Arabian mare. She was one of the sweetest dispositioned horses I knew. We were cantering for one of the first times, and my foot came out of the stirrup and I got off balance....so I slid off the side of her, and was dragged for about 20 feet by my real foot which was stuck in the other stirrup. Thankfully the saddle I was using had these safety features where if enough pressure is applied the stirrup snaps off from the saddle. So that happened. I had my helmet on yeah, so didn't hit my head, just a thud, and whoosh thru the sawdust and dirt in the arena. Anna stopped immediately and came over. I felt her felt soft nose nudging my cheek. She had come back and was checking on me. I was afraid to get back on, but I did, and do you know she gave me the smoothest ride ever. I think she was careful.
And then there was Jared, my little brother, the sports star. Mr. Football. I can remember as a kid, him doing gymnastics, this wicked skinny, big headed, flexible boy jumping around, doing somersaults at the age of like 5. And then soccer, we have on video this game from a mixed boys and girls team, and Jared, at age 5, pushing a girl down from his own team, so he could get the ball. What a little man! : ) Next was Little League baseball. I remember going to all his games and cheering for him. He played 2nd base or right field. In school he played all sports, football, basketball and baseball. In high school though, he became a football star (Mr. Homecoming King himself). Was not there to witness it, but when I was home, I used to go to all his games. He hated when we cheered for him, but c'mon...that's my job to torture and embarass him infront of his friends, hehe. But it was so cool. I wish I hadn't been so far away for college, because I always missed his football seasons. But we used to sit and watch sports together all the time (sometimes not by my choice...). So every Superbowl, World Series, even the Stanley Cup for hockey...we watched. I knew more than I ever wanted about sports, especially football.
The cool thing is, I can go home now and teach him a sport or two. Rugby, yeah...and cricket. I fell in love with cricket here. Wow. I never expected it. My friend Sahir had tried desperately hard to teach the game to me before I came here, and I was hopeless. Even he gave up, and yes, he even tried to teach me Hindi, and gave up. Haha. But I come here, and my friends rope me into cricket before I know what's going on. It was great. I loved going to the India matches, and even though I was scared to death, had fun playing in that one match. Haha...So let's see if I can start a cricket revolution in the States when I go home! : )
But, sorry, back to my parents. So many memories flying through my mind, what to share? :) I think I was lucky, because my parents instilled in me a love for other people. They exposed me to my first new culture: Indian, from an early age. They opened their home up in college to my closest friends, Miri and Abbie. They asked questions and wanted to learn. That's what was so cool, I felt as though I could bring these cultures I had come to be a part of home with me. Mirioni...my best friend....chingu...saranghe, an yoooonnnnggg!! :) Abbie, nina ku penda rafiki yangu....Bwana asifiwe! I got my parents hooked on Kenyan chai tea!! My Dad, who swears he will never touch a drop of tea ever....now asks me to make it when I come home. He's looking forward to eating 'real' Indian food too. Haha, so the pressure's on. I mean, basically my parents encouraged me to think outside my own world and see the world through other eyes, walk in others shoes....embrace other's uniqueness, just as I wanted my own to be. My Dad's said from early on that he thinks I'll live and marry internationally. Haha...Can I share something funny? I think my Dad's a bit disappointed I didn't meet anyone here in Oxford. He was convinced I would...well, so I was I probably too. But, yeah....he's like, "how will you meet someone international if you come home?" hahaha. But I know my Dad wants me home. ; )
I'm looking forward to seeing friends I've been away from. Kim is having her first born son any day now (I was a bridesmaid in her wedding before coming here), Miri's in law school at W&L, Abbie's in Arkansas, Jasmine is in Baltimore (Ball-more), Kim is in CT finishing up her MSc in Psych....Charity is also in CT. And then me....hahaha, oh boy, who would've thought, homeless, jobless, penniless. But with too many places to go, and not enough time to see everyone left behind back home.
Miri, can I share this? :) I remember Miri's and my first year together in undergrad. We were discussing guys we could marry. This girl was very firm: 100% Korean, not Korean American, but Korean!! hahaha, so as we've progressed over the years together, she's come slightly over to my side of things, and has informed me that a Korean American would do for her too! : ) But this is her dream match for us: me marry a Korean, her marry a Korean American. Hahaha. Guys, the three of us are gonna be back together soon. The Three Amigas....or three troublemakers, however you might view it. Abbie....Rach.....Miri....ARM ; )
But you guys have to accept me now....according to Miri, Jared, my Dad, my sis, my accent has changed so much they don't recognize me anymore. Miri and Dad said I sounded almost Indian and British. Cait said British, and Jared just had to hang up on me because he couldn't take it. He's like, "your not my sister" and Miri was like, "you are not my best friend." Guys, I swear it's me. : ) Sometimes new friends leave lasting impressions....so don't be surprised if you hear a few Hindi words coming from this mouth yaar ; ) Sometimes new friends feel just like 'old' friends....and I know I have many lifelong friends here in Oxford.
Gosh, I am a hodge podge of things now!! : ) Feeling a bit less senti about going home....looking forward to it. But still apprehensive and sad nonetheless.
Saturday, September 24, 2005
She's been thinking about what will happen when she goes home. Will she find everyone changed? Will the people she knew remember her? Will she find it's she herself who has changed so much? Those butterflies are swarming inside that belly of hers...and no amount of laughter can change that now. The unknown...it never leaves an easy feeling, does it? You see, she had built a sort of home here. She thought she'd be staying longer. God has other plans though, but what they are remain to be seen. Maybe my home needs me more...there are things for me to do. I could help with hurricane recovery, animal resue, environment clean-up. She's just afraid of what she'll find back home.
Fear of leaving what she's come to love so much here.
For Julia, Saranya and Mother:
(The Abraham gang)
There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some are gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With people and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
But in my life, I loved them all
But of all these friends and loved ones
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and friends that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
But in my life I loved you more
Fear of leaving what she's come to love so much here.
For Julia, Saranya and Mother:
(The Abraham gang)
There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever, not for better
Some are gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With people and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
But in my life, I loved them all
But of all these friends and loved ones
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I'll never lose affection
For people and friends that went before
I know I'll often stop and think about them
But in my life I loved you more
Thursday, September 22, 2005
Today is a much better day. Last night was so hilarious. Fatima is back in Oxford, hoo-ray!! :) Am so happy to see her again and catch up. Stuti crashed at my place last night. Dear, sweet Stu....and she pulled the handicap alarm in my room. Hehehe. And I, clueless as to what to do, tried calling the housekeeper, who is away on holiday...there is no night porter here at Linacre college...so I was stuck. Who'm I gonna call? But Saranya...haha...what an awesome guy, he comes out at half past midnight to get the porters keys from a locked safe and come and shut off the alarm. This is only done by a magnetic key thing. That was so nice of him to come out...and pretty funny too. Poor Stu, I didn't tell her not to pull it...I forgot to warn her ;) Anyways, was thinking on that....the multiple ways we'd get out of it. Hahaha...the best idea was I'd lie on the floor looking as if i'd fallen (with my leg off ofcourse), straining for my crutches....but alas....from the time we got Saranya, the alarm had been sounding a good half hour atleast...so if I really was in need of serious help, I'd be dead! Because there is no one to respond!!! Thankfully, Bhaiyah to the rescue!!
I went to see the new Pride and Prejudice movie tonight with Shreya, Chandru and Brisena (a new friend). We laughed a lot...it was slightly funny, but they made the most romantic parts of the book, soooo lame....i mean the two marriage proposals were a far cry from the heart pulling moments they were in the book. Shreya was in stitches the whole time :) hehehe...needless to say, Colin Firth is the man, I recommend seeing the BBC version, rather than this one.
I am realizing how much packing I have to do, and that I need a place to stay as soon as I leave college accommodation. I'll try not to wear out my welcome....anybody with spare floor space??
Here's my 'Room Requested' Add:
Nice girl seeks small floor space to sleep for next few days. Comes with excellent cooking skills, can sing you a song, do your mending, washing, ironing (scary, eh? hahaha)...just needs space for two suitcases and a backpack... ;)
Let's try again:
Help!! In desperate need of a patch of floor to sleep on. 4+ years experience as a roomate, considerate to other's needs, only needs a small space of 5 feet by 2 feet (well, probably bigger than that, but i like to think i'm that small)...will teach you self survival cooking essentials (if you so need to be taught)...will teach you all about zoology (am looking for a job as well too....)...could be enjoyable company. :)
Will keep you all posted! Don't worry, Mom and Dad...I'll be fine! :)
"You are tying the tip of your heart to a pillar that cannot be moved." Oh, Stu, you are right...thanks for listening and the advice. You so eloquently put into words how I was feeling :) "thhhaennkkssss" (said thru a 'closed' mouth in a wide smile) ;) Sometimes we need someone else to tell us what it is we are doing and why we are feeling in such a way. You know I've been incredibly blessed by friends with excellent foresight....Abbie, Miri, Imelda, Julia, Stuti....ladies....if only I could listen to you and really listen! I, on-the-other-hand, am very blessed with hindsight. Oh yes, hindsight, only afterwards do I realize what I should have done, how I've misinterpreted this or that....or just simply had false hopes about something...I'm always learning these things the hard way, which isn't always the best way, yeah? Anyways, Stuti...I will try hard to unfetter the tip of my heart from that pillar!! Because it's been pulled in all directions only by myself, attempting to move that pillar with me, when it is immovable and I lack the strength of Sampson (though I think my long hair rivals his) to move it. (If you aren't sure, ask me the story of Sampson).
You are tying the tip of your heart to a pillar that cannot be moved...
I went to see the new Pride and Prejudice movie tonight with Shreya, Chandru and Brisena (a new friend). We laughed a lot...it was slightly funny, but they made the most romantic parts of the book, soooo lame....i mean the two marriage proposals were a far cry from the heart pulling moments they were in the book. Shreya was in stitches the whole time :) hehehe...needless to say, Colin Firth is the man, I recommend seeing the BBC version, rather than this one.
I am realizing how much packing I have to do, and that I need a place to stay as soon as I leave college accommodation. I'll try not to wear out my welcome....anybody with spare floor space??
Here's my 'Room Requested' Add:
Nice girl seeks small floor space to sleep for next few days. Comes with excellent cooking skills, can sing you a song, do your mending, washing, ironing (scary, eh? hahaha)...just needs space for two suitcases and a backpack... ;)
Let's try again:
Help!! In desperate need of a patch of floor to sleep on. 4+ years experience as a roomate, considerate to other's needs, only needs a small space of 5 feet by 2 feet (well, probably bigger than that, but i like to think i'm that small)...will teach you self survival cooking essentials (if you so need to be taught)...will teach you all about zoology (am looking for a job as well too....)...could be enjoyable company. :)
Will keep you all posted! Don't worry, Mom and Dad...I'll be fine! :)
"You are tying the tip of your heart to a pillar that cannot be moved." Oh, Stu, you are right...thanks for listening and the advice. You so eloquently put into words how I was feeling :) "thhhaennkkssss" (said thru a 'closed' mouth in a wide smile) ;) Sometimes we need someone else to tell us what it is we are doing and why we are feeling in such a way. You know I've been incredibly blessed by friends with excellent foresight....Abbie, Miri, Imelda, Julia, Stuti....ladies....if only I could listen to you and really listen! I, on-the-other-hand, am very blessed with hindsight. Oh yes, hindsight, only afterwards do I realize what I should have done, how I've misinterpreted this or that....or just simply had false hopes about something...I'm always learning these things the hard way, which isn't always the best way, yeah? Anyways, Stuti...I will try hard to unfetter the tip of my heart from that pillar!! Because it's been pulled in all directions only by myself, attempting to move that pillar with me, when it is immovable and I lack the strength of Sampson (though I think my long hair rivals his) to move it. (If you aren't sure, ask me the story of Sampson).
You are tying the tip of your heart to a pillar that cannot be moved...
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Inadequacy.....inadequate....my word for the day.
Inadequate words to say good-bye to my friend, only able to do so with a quick hug and tears. My friend...Mitashi. This a girl so full of life, who always made me smile, who used to crash in my place every time we had a thesis or an assessed essay due....the girl who taught me to talk in gibberish ;) Yes...our Mitts. Lovely, late, brutally honest Mitts ;) I don't know why, but I felt so protective and motherly towards her...maybe because I saw some bit of idealism I thought I had lost...(but Mitts, wasn't too overbearing, was I? -- if I was, it just means I cared that much more about you) :) She remembered something I had told her, how I felt like Radha sometimes and gave me that in her g'bye gift....Well, girl...don't worry I will see you soon in Pune, and meet your Krishna...and maybe have met my own by then...who knows? As you reminded me so many times, be stubborn and don't give up...and stop wallowing in past brokenness. YES! Mitts, we never said it to each other, but i mean it: Thanks...you taught me there was a lot more to life. Safe journey home, and only the best in matters of the heart :)
Inadequacy....Radha kaise na jale....even though i said "YES!" up there...can I wallow one more time? Not wallow...but explore is a better word....why after all this time, after I've proven to myself that I am not physically inadequate, do I still feel so much so? I push myself beyond my limits so many times, even to the point of extreme pain and fatigue, but why? Why do i still feel like I have so much to prove in that department? Why does having just one foot make me feel so inadequate? I think these things come back to haunt me now, when I'm leaving Oxford, saying good-bye to friends....leaving security...starting over again. Inadequacy...it's an ugly word...
I hate when people pity me...I think that also contributes to my little 'inadequacy' problem, that if you know me, happens every now and again...normally I'm not like this at all, I'm full of jokes. Pity makes you feel even more inadequate. As if there really is something wrong...I mean it reminds me of the guy in my high school who asked me if I'd be able to 'have sex and get pregnant' with just one foot...my gosh!? where do feet come into that process!? ;)
I mean c'mon...you people out there with two legs...what are you thinking? Most other animals have 4, 6, 8, legs! Even 10!! but yeah, you all have that common demonator (wow, you know it's bad when I try to incorporate maths into this!!) of two. Well...see it from my side...plants have 1 stalk...yeah...and they stand alone, like me. (The biologist in me coming out....man, I knew I should've gone into botany instead of zoology!!)
Oh, Rach...stop this stupid rant, it's really all directed at yourself, you're mad at yourself and no one else. I hate when I let myself slide into that inadequate feeling.
I might not realize it all the time
But really deep down I am all fine
I mean who can come and save the day?
Unfettered by nerves stamp out the fire that got away?
Who can rescue their little cousin from that pesky bee?
Even if it tried, it couldn't really sting me
Who loved kickball, so obvious to tell...
Me, who with my 'mighty leg' could kick so well
Who can fall out of a canoe
Get caught in rapids and a waterfall
Come out with her leg all askew
Twist it back into place, and say, 'whew, was that all?'
Who can actually say, if I break this one, s'okay
I got an extra one in my closet for such a day
Who can know the full beauty of her sister's dancing feet
As she watches mesmerized in her seat
Who knows empathy beyond her years?
Who knows the pain behind the tears?
Who feels free when she rides the horse's back?
When she realizes it's nothing that she really lacks...
It's only what others see missing outside
When it's they who miss the me inside
I can walk, run, swim, climb, canoe....
Ride horses, train dogs....even sing too
When i was young I even thought...
'Those poor kids, they don't know what they got...
They must be special cases you see...
Because they have two feet, unlike me...
So that makes them different and i should be kind
One leg is normal, i thought in my mind'
I wish I could go back to that innocent age
Before anger, hurt, and rejection wrote on my life's page
But I can give hope to young ones like me
Say look around at all you see
Nothing is ever impossible to do
The limits are what lie deep inside of you
If you believe and have faith you will overcome
And that 'little leg' will have turned into a normal one
For my special blessing to have in life
Is the power to help others overcome their own strife
That blessing might come with a personal cost
But what i've gained is more than the foot i lost
I can appreciate the differences in eachother
I can show love to a broken other
You see my life without a foot is not the end
For me my prosthesis is my friend
Without, yeah, i'm a fish out of water
I hop, and I crawl, I tumble and totter
I think i should stop before my leg rails,
It's been so good, I owe it painted nails
It has been my ticket to freedom every day
And a point of connection to those i meet along the way
When i wear pants I look just like you
It gives me my denominator of two
YES! I am not inadequate, and I do seriously owe my fake leg a washing up and i think painted nails for graduation. Even though, it's in full sub-fusc and will be wearing tights and a closed to shoe. Just remember, oh, dependable leg of mine: It's not what's on the outside really, but what's on the inside that counts. :) Extra plug for my leg: this one allows me to wear heels, so this past year has been my first in heels....but man, women with two legs are insane....why did i think heels were so speical? Not just because i'm shorter than everyone else... :) And yeah, I am the cool cousin who saved the day...
But the best part of all has been being able to write to kids who have undergone amputations and tell them it's all going to be okay, tell them they can play basketball, dance at their senior prom....and telling thier parents, don't worry...inspite of the pain the rewards are far greater, because without having lost something, you can never fully appreciate it. Your kids will be ones who will make the kind of friends who 'stick closer than a brother,' who will be the kind ambassadors tolerant of others differences, and running to embrace each person's uniqueness. They'll see life from a deeper perspective, and they will be strong. Maybe not phsyscially strong, but character-wise, emotionally and spiritually...they'll be filled with compassion for the weaknesses of others.
But even us strong kids have our moments of weakness...but mine has passed already, erased by the memory from last summer, of seeing a little 5 year old girl, so much like myself, with a birth defect and amputation, running around on her prosthesis, chasing bubbles in the air to her heart's content....seeing the awkawardness with which she moved, but only momentarily, because I was captured by the smile and squeals of delight, but mostly by the sparkle of joy in her eyes. And you know what? She caught every bubble!
Inadequate words to say good-bye to my friend, only able to do so with a quick hug and tears. My friend...Mitashi. This a girl so full of life, who always made me smile, who used to crash in my place every time we had a thesis or an assessed essay due....the girl who taught me to talk in gibberish ;) Yes...our Mitts. Lovely, late, brutally honest Mitts ;) I don't know why, but I felt so protective and motherly towards her...maybe because I saw some bit of idealism I thought I had lost...(but Mitts, wasn't too overbearing, was I? -- if I was, it just means I cared that much more about you) :) She remembered something I had told her, how I felt like Radha sometimes and gave me that in her g'bye gift....Well, girl...don't worry I will see you soon in Pune, and meet your Krishna...and maybe have met my own by then...who knows? As you reminded me so many times, be stubborn and don't give up...and stop wallowing in past brokenness. YES! Mitts, we never said it to each other, but i mean it: Thanks...you taught me there was a lot more to life. Safe journey home, and only the best in matters of the heart :)
Inadequacy....Radha kaise na jale....even though i said "YES!" up there...can I wallow one more time? Not wallow...but explore is a better word....why after all this time, after I've proven to myself that I am not physically inadequate, do I still feel so much so? I push myself beyond my limits so many times, even to the point of extreme pain and fatigue, but why? Why do i still feel like I have so much to prove in that department? Why does having just one foot make me feel so inadequate? I think these things come back to haunt me now, when I'm leaving Oxford, saying good-bye to friends....leaving security...starting over again. Inadequacy...it's an ugly word...
I hate when people pity me...I think that also contributes to my little 'inadequacy' problem, that if you know me, happens every now and again...normally I'm not like this at all, I'm full of jokes. Pity makes you feel even more inadequate. As if there really is something wrong...I mean it reminds me of the guy in my high school who asked me if I'd be able to 'have sex and get pregnant' with just one foot...my gosh!? where do feet come into that process!? ;)
I mean c'mon...you people out there with two legs...what are you thinking? Most other animals have 4, 6, 8, legs! Even 10!! but yeah, you all have that common demonator (wow, you know it's bad when I try to incorporate maths into this!!) of two. Well...see it from my side...plants have 1 stalk...yeah...and they stand alone, like me. (The biologist in me coming out....man, I knew I should've gone into botany instead of zoology!!)
Oh, Rach...stop this stupid rant, it's really all directed at yourself, you're mad at yourself and no one else. I hate when I let myself slide into that inadequate feeling.
I might not realize it all the time
But really deep down I am all fine
I mean who can come and save the day?
Unfettered by nerves stamp out the fire that got away?
Who can rescue their little cousin from that pesky bee?
Even if it tried, it couldn't really sting me
Who loved kickball, so obvious to tell...
Me, who with my 'mighty leg' could kick so well
Who can fall out of a canoe
Get caught in rapids and a waterfall
Come out with her leg all askew
Twist it back into place, and say, 'whew, was that all?'
Who can actually say, if I break this one, s'okay
I got an extra one in my closet for such a day
Who can know the full beauty of her sister's dancing feet
As she watches mesmerized in her seat
Who knows empathy beyond her years?
Who knows the pain behind the tears?
Who feels free when she rides the horse's back?
When she realizes it's nothing that she really lacks...
It's only what others see missing outside
When it's they who miss the me inside
I can walk, run, swim, climb, canoe....
Ride horses, train dogs....even sing too
When i was young I even thought...
'Those poor kids, they don't know what they got...
They must be special cases you see...
Because they have two feet, unlike me...
So that makes them different and i should be kind
One leg is normal, i thought in my mind'
I wish I could go back to that innocent age
Before anger, hurt, and rejection wrote on my life's page
But I can give hope to young ones like me
Say look around at all you see
Nothing is ever impossible to do
The limits are what lie deep inside of you
If you believe and have faith you will overcome
And that 'little leg' will have turned into a normal one
For my special blessing to have in life
Is the power to help others overcome their own strife
That blessing might come with a personal cost
But what i've gained is more than the foot i lost
I can appreciate the differences in eachother
I can show love to a broken other
You see my life without a foot is not the end
For me my prosthesis is my friend
Without, yeah, i'm a fish out of water
I hop, and I crawl, I tumble and totter
I think i should stop before my leg rails,
It's been so good, I owe it painted nails
It has been my ticket to freedom every day
And a point of connection to those i meet along the way
When i wear pants I look just like you
It gives me my denominator of two
YES! I am not inadequate, and I do seriously owe my fake leg a washing up and i think painted nails for graduation. Even though, it's in full sub-fusc and will be wearing tights and a closed to shoe. Just remember, oh, dependable leg of mine: It's not what's on the outside really, but what's on the inside that counts. :) Extra plug for my leg: this one allows me to wear heels, so this past year has been my first in heels....but man, women with two legs are insane....why did i think heels were so speical? Not just because i'm shorter than everyone else... :) And yeah, I am the cool cousin who saved the day...
But the best part of all has been being able to write to kids who have undergone amputations and tell them it's all going to be okay, tell them they can play basketball, dance at their senior prom....and telling thier parents, don't worry...inspite of the pain the rewards are far greater, because without having lost something, you can never fully appreciate it. Your kids will be ones who will make the kind of friends who 'stick closer than a brother,' who will be the kind ambassadors tolerant of others differences, and running to embrace each person's uniqueness. They'll see life from a deeper perspective, and they will be strong. Maybe not phsyscially strong, but character-wise, emotionally and spiritually...they'll be filled with compassion for the weaknesses of others.
But even us strong kids have our moments of weakness...but mine has passed already, erased by the memory from last summer, of seeing a little 5 year old girl, so much like myself, with a birth defect and amputation, running around on her prosthesis, chasing bubbles in the air to her heart's content....seeing the awkawardness with which she moved, but only momentarily, because I was captured by the smile and squeals of delight, but mostly by the sparkle of joy in her eyes. And you know what? She caught every bubble!
Monday, September 19, 2005
This is my song from the past year.....these are the friends whose smiles and laughter were my melody.....these are the friends who shaped me.....these are the moments that made Oxford what it was to be. I want you to see them, and i'll save my words (their stories) for another day. (Friends from US -- don't worry!! I'll put you in too when I get home!!). 
Imelda, me and Julia for the Tsunami Relief Night (Indonesian traditional dress)
Me and Aarti after throwing colours for Holi (March)
Imelda, Hiromi and Fatima (the more 'mature' ladies) :)
Imelda, me and Julia for the Tsunami Relief Night (Indonesian traditional dress)
Me and Aarti after throwing colours for Holi (March)
Imelda, Hiromi and Fatima (the more 'mature' ladies) :)
Mitts, Jaci, Hedi and Stuti (Bollywood Bop May)
Sunday, September 18, 2005
She steps up to the microphone and nervously taps it....."ahem...i-is this th-thing on?".....everyone laughs....and she smiles....she likes when people laugh, it makes her stomach's butterflies dance in rythem....she closes her eyes and goes deep inside...it's time to let people in, to let people see what she sees, hear what she hears, feel what she feels....the music begins, first in her heart, then in her head....then out loud.
She's singing you see...
That singer is me...
Eyes closed, head tilted high...
Soul soaring in the sky...
What is my song?
I know it's so long...
For I want everyone to know it...
This singer's a poet...
Her pages are worn...
Some even torn...
But all bear the marks of her friends...
The words come from life's little bends...
The amazing miracles that have taken place...
She remembers the smile on each one's face...
The tears and joy in just one year...
Do you have a listening ear?
I want to share my life's song...
And you know me, it'll always be long...
I want to let you enter in...
As i attempt to begin...
I sing a melody...
It's not just my own you see...
You all gave it to me...
You all are my harmony...
My rythem is our daily laughter...
My words are my reflections after...
So relax, close your eyes, and follow me...
I want to show you what I see...
Experience life the way I do...
My music plays because of you...
She stops....thinking her number was way too long, and opens her eyes and wonders who had caught a glimpse of who she really was. Some faces stare, others smile....she thinks they must've followed a while....she smiles slightly to herself, knowing that each song she sings is meant to share that hidden part....and she walks away from that stage glad to remove the spotlight, once again the nervous butterflies return....this time in pandemoneom....she laughs and stepping outside throughs her hands in the wind....humming a familar melody....finding a friend to sing harmony....and another to give a beat....and still another to form a chorus....she steps back, happy to share in the song and find herself party to life's secret concerts.
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